Teresa 6 - Cancer 0

2014.05.28

Wednesday

Slept past my usual time this morning. That made for a semi-rushed getting ready for today's chemo.

What we would say to Cancer if we could...

What we say to one another....

I took my 7 pills and then went up to get my foot ready to stay dry during the shower. The plastic wrap variation is a lot better than the bag around the foot.

One sexy foot wrapped in saran wrap to keep that toe dry.

At 7:55 it was time for Peter to drive Eric to school and then drive me to the hospital. After dropping Eric off at school it was time to be stuck in the morning traffic. Does not make me in a good mood. It took over 40 minutes to get there. I wanted to do chemo by myself today so I could sleep and just listen to music. It also gave Peter the opportunity to do some more clearing out of closets and cabinets in anticipation of the movers.

I had a last minute appointment for a medical pedicure.  (nothing at all like a pedicure in the USA). Because of the risk for infection, I didn't dare cut my own nails. We all know what happened the last time I did that. Lena was great to talk with and she was careful with my toes and made sure they were cut the right way. She even put a new bandage on my toe. I did glance at it a few times.  She and all the others that have looked at it always say it looks good. so, that is a relief. I was done with my pedicure in time for my 10 am chemo appointment.

After the Swedish pedicure for cancer patients

It was a bit melancholy to have it be the last time and I am nervous about whether it will be enough. Now I just have to take care of my body and let the medicine do its work. Today's nurse was not as smooth as some of the others that have taken care of me. It was the quickest chemo treatment- done in 4 hours for all those fun drugs. Nurse Anna came in and checked on me a few times during the treatment.

Last time getting the red devil!!!!!

Of course, I left my bag of cookies in the back seat of the car. But luckily, Peter came to pick me up  with Eric and brought them with him. When I presented them to today's nurse she exclaimed "oh, it's you that has been baking these cookies, I have tasted them lots of times, they are good" Then Anna came in with her coffee up in her hand at just the right time. Everyone was happy. I think they will be sad to see me go.

On the way out of the hospital, I went past Lena's office and knocked on the door. "Cookie delivery". The happy expression on her face was worth it!!  I really do like making others happy.

Home again and I ate a pizza and then tried to rest for two hours but I wasn't tired enough. So, I chatted with a few friends and just tried to sleep. Then it was time for dinner. Peter made our favorite meal and then I watched a little tv before writing today's blog post.

Playing the Pharell Williams "Happy Song" on Spotify. Having it on repeat makes my feet start tapping. A good beat.

I am so disconnected to the preparing for the move. The movers come in the morning. I am not stressed about it. I probably will be tomorrow morning, but now I am going to go to sleep and let the chemo drugs do their thing.

Thanks to all that send me messages in all the different ways through out the day. I was too tired to respond to all of them today but they really warm my heart. THANKS.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FAMILY. FRIENDS. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. THREE MORE WEEKS................ANSWERS.


 

??????????????

2014.05.27

Tuesday

Awoke earlier than my alarm clock as usual. Got up and took my pills and then wrapped my foot in plastic wrap so I could take a shower. It is the little things I miss.

We were optimistic that the traffic would be gone by 8:45 am as we drove to the hospital for the doctor's appointment. Yes, it was stressful. I wonder how people do this every day- sitting in traffic is no fun. I was 3 minutes late to the appointment. Peter dropped me off and then tried to find a parking spot.

Luckily the doctor is a patient man. I was greeted warmly and sat down. My blood work was outstanding. That is good news. I asked all my questions and got a bunch of answers. Yes, I have chemo brain. This explains my headaches and my slower response times and my general foggy feeling. The drugs have made my brain connections blurry.

I also asked the doctor what the next step would be if the cancer is not gone at the end of this treatment. His response is it would be intense chemotherapy and stem cell transplant and would involve 5 months of treatment. Holy shit. I just needed to know. Tomorrow will be chemo #6 and I am focused on that and hopeful for positive results. I will not cross any bridges until I get to them.

On the way home at 10:30 am, I was already hungry. So we went and ate at Vapianos in Täby Centrum. It was a quick lunch but it was good to eat hot food in a restaurant. Home is a hodge podge of moving boxes and every area is in the process of being sorted. I spent the afternoon taking a quick nap, selling more furniture and packing the boys suitcases and mine too. Then it was time to make the chocolate chip cookies for tomorrows nurses.

Mentally tired and physically tired just add up to exhaustion. But in 72 hours I will be able to relax. The movers come on Thursday and Friday and although we are not ready I know that it will work out. Probably not without some level of stress on my part but it will be worth it.

?????? It is the uncertainty of everything with cancer that is the worst. Nothing is a sure thing. That is why each day is so important in life. Bloody hard to make everyday a happy day. We can only do our best even if it is with our chemo brain. ?????????????

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING ASS. FRIENDS. FAMILY. 

decisions, decisions, decisions

2014.05.26

Well, my chemo brain is in full force. Today is one of the last two days we have to get everything ready for the movers coming on Thursday morning, the day after chemo #6.

In my usual life, I like to make decisions and get pleasure from getting things done. It is a sense of achievement.

Now in my cancer life, it is harder and more time consuming to make a decision. It drains my energy.

So all day I have flitted between the different rooms of the house, storage unit and garage and tried to make decisions about which stuff should follow us to London, which to send to the summer house and which to the dump or to give to charity.

I do not have peace of mind for too long in each room. Many of the rooms are only 90% done and the last 10% is frustrating me. I do not have the usual eagle eye perspective of the big picture clear in my head and this is leading to stress. The stress is there but I have developed a "who cares" attitude about most things so it is not as bad as it feels.

The most important thing is not to send any important papers or passports in the container to London. Really everything else will work out. (I keep saying this to myself...to make sure I believe it)

So tomorrow will be a doctor visit in the morning and then the final decisions. Wednesday will be chemo #6 and I need to be ready for that and prepared to rest when I get home.

Many people have expressed an interest to help, but with my chemo brain and what is left to do it makes it hard to delegate. I am looking forward to next week when maybe I will have some free time........(hahhahaha)

Time for some last minute sales of furniture that we don't want to take with us. I have posted on a facebook group that has merited numerous responses in just 20 minutes. Pretty good. Happy if these furniture pieces get sold to good homes.

FRIENDS. FAMILY. LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING ASS MY WAY.

Hot and Sunny

2014.05.25

SUNDAY

Started the day off early. It should be a day of rest. I try. I really try to rest. but so much to do and so little time left.

I started with a drive to the airport to drop Nicole and Jackson off at 8 am. Then on the way home I found a street sign of Jackson's favorite word. I had to stop and take a picture. It means speed bump but sounds really funny in English.

Back home again and I did a little sorting before the move. Then it was time to eat lunch and relax a little before Kevins's American Football game at 1 pm. Go Täby Flyers U17. They won over Solna Chiefs and Kevin played a good game today. It was a hot day on the field and in the stands. It is always a great environment with the other parents as we cheer on our sons.

After they won they do the wave for all of us and then we headed home. I was tired from the sun even though I had some sunscreen on my bald head. Peter made dinner and we ate. Everyone was hungry. After dinner I made a stab at organizing some stuff in each of the rooms. We now have two days to get ready before chemo and then the movers. (I am so going to relax next weekend.......)

I face-timed with Nicole and Jackson from the Chicago airport. They had arrived on their first leg of the journey. Miss them already. Then Marie face-timed me from the Carolina Mountains and we chatted a while. I really do like the facetime aspect, especially when the connection is great.

Side effects of cancer are different for each person. The chemo drugs are quite strong and the other pills that try and counter the side effects are really not good for the body and also can cause long term problems. For me they have been mild in most cases. Hard brittle toe and finger nails, mouth sores, loss of hair in most places, fatigue, loss of toe nail, blurry vision and dry eyes at times, can't wear contact lenses, sensitive to light, grouchy, irritable - these are mine that I live with each day. Some of these side effects will never go away and others will take up to a year to disappear.

It is amazing what we put our bodies through just to live. We humans are amazing!!

My tired self is going to go to sleep so I can leave good blood work tomorrow.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING THE CANCER IN THE ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS. INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. 

Last Saturday in the house....

2014.05.24

Got up early and stayed in bed as long as I could. Got my shot defrosted and enjoyed the relative silence of everyone still sleeping. My sister introduced me to a iphone game called 2048. It is an addictive game and I have won it twice already but I still keep playing it. Need to stop....

This morning we spent getting ready for some friends to come over in the afternoon. It was an open house to say goodbye to some of our friends. We planned an easy afternoon so that we could spend time with our friends.

I did some quick cleaning in between the need to lay down and rest a little. It was a beautiful and hot sunny day. And it would have been nice with air conditioning.

Late afternoon and the friends started arriving. This is just the first of a long list of goodbyes or see you soon gatherings. It feels good to move but always sad to leave friends. The distance between us won't matter.

As the sun got lower on the horizon, the weather improved and got a little cooler. I think my bald head got a little color today.

I couldn't have made it through this week without Nicole and Jackson. Sad to see them go home tomorrow. Good thing we will see them in a month again.

I have so many fantastic friends. I am grateful for all of you.

GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. LOVED. GOODBYES.

Friday...at last

2014.05.23

Friday

Another sunny day in Stockholm. Hot already in the morning when I walked the dog. I took my shot and got the kids off to school. Then I went past the local doctors office to get my toe bandage renewed and refreshed.

Home again and Jackson was vacuuming and singing at the same time. Once he was done, we headed off to Gnesta to pick up my new dining room chairs. It took us a little more than an hour to drive through the Swedish countryside. We got there and they looked fantastic. It was a quick process to load them into the car and start the journey back home.

New red chairs....

We hit major traffic south of Stockholm and took a detour through the city. Stockholm really looks beautiful when it is sunny and warm.

We made it home in time for me to take a 25 minute nap before picking Eric up from school. I really needed it. Then Nicole and I went food shopping and picked up some of Eric's medical supplies.

Home again and Nicole made dinner while I made some lists. The kids played together. Dinner was great. YUM yum..

Then we tackled two more rooms a little bit more. I haven't done enough cleaning and sorting this week. The closer it gets to the move the more I throw out.

Peter is now home from London and we are looking forward to a fun weekend.

My body is letting me do some stuff but when I try to do too much it just shuts down. My relatively minor side effects from chemo are irritating but part of the package of chemotherapy. Only a few days until chemo #6. That will be a good feeling.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING ASS and anything else in my way...

The Old Town

2014.05.22

THURSDAY

Yes, woke up too early but felt more rested anyway. I need to build up those energy levels. Out with the dog, got my shot out of the fridge, got the kids up, took my shot, drove them to the station and school and then home to get ready for today's excursion to Gamla Stan (the Old Town).

 

We left around 9:30 and there was hardly any traffic until we got into town. On the way in Petra called and brightened my day. Awesome to hear her voice. It took us 45 minutes to find a parking spot. I really wish I could have taken public transportation but alas - not allowed due to risk for infection. We ended up parking in a parking garage and walking the scenic route.

It was a beautiful day again with the weather and we enjoyed seeing the sights. We walked around the pretty streets of the Old Town and to see it through Jackson's eyes was special. He loved all the stories I told him and especially liked the one about the Stockholm Bloodbath and the cannon balls that are still wedged in the facade of the buildings in the main square. It makes the history real. In the middle of the walk, Clara called to check up on me. Awesome to hear her voice as well.

I spy some cannon balls.......

We ate lunch and just people watched. Then we walked over to an art gallery in Gamla Stan that was exhibiting a friends art. Johanna's paintings were fantastic as were the other exhibitors artwork. I am going to have to commission some paintings. I also met SL who is one of the many that follow my blog. That was fun to put the name with the face. I appreciate all of the comments I receive even if I don't always reply right away.

We walked back in the hot weather all the way to the car and drove first to Eric's school to pick him and then home. I rested a little bit after sorting out a few more inconveniences in life that in the big scheme of things don't matter. I let some of these inconveniences irritate me and let it out over the kids and everyone nearby. Crap, cancer sucks and has made my temper shorter and sometimes misdirected.

Dinner, driving Kevin to practice, trying to calm down, talking with Stina, picking Kevin up from practice, Mattias coming over to buy some LEGO, facetiming with Marie, getting the kids in bed----writing the blog, trying to refocus and take deep breaths.

I am grateful for what I have when I have time to reflect. I need to focus on that. It is one more month of pressure and tension that I need to focus on. In one month, we should hopefully be on vacation if nothing else happens. So, thirty more days of focus for this cancer. That is not so long if I consider that it has been more than 90 days since I got my diagnosis. At the end of these 30 days I will know results. It is what it is. OK time for sleep in this hot weather without air conditioning.......

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING SOME MAJOR ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS. LAUGHING. CRYING. FOCUS.

Beautiful day

2014.05.21
WEDNESDAY

Got up at 5:30 am - and couldn't go back to sleep. Time to defrost my shot and have a chat with some friends. A great way to wake up. Today was supposed to be sorting and then a visit to our summer house.

After dropping the kids off, I came home and laid down for a planned hour......well, snooze button and re-setting the alarm meant I slept for four hours and woke up with a headache. OUCH. The situation was remedied with 2 painkillers and some lunch. Then an hour of sorting before we left to pick up Eric at school and head to the summer house.

It was a beautiful day to be out there. The sun was beating down. We ate some snacks and then explored the surroundings. The boys and Nicole tried the zip line and laughed the whole way down.

We went home via the Vaxholm ferries so they could see a bit of the Swedish archipelago. It was a great ride and scenic view. 

Back home it was back to reality. The thing with cancer is that you can't take a vacation from it. It is with you all the time even though you try to forget it. It is now the really hard part starts- keeping the spirit up, the confidence levels up, the mental level up. I know I can do it but crap, I am tired of all of this piled on with all the other crap that is happening. I have definitely developed a more "what the heck" attitude. I only do the important things now - like hug my kids and my husband and laugh and cry with my friends. That is enough!

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING SOME ASS........

If...........

2014.05.20

TUESDAY

Awoke early after being up numerous times during the night to check Eric's blood sugar levels. I took my shot out of the fridge and taped my foot up in a plastic bag so I could shower.

I was really tired yesterday but woke up feeling a little better but still tired. I drove the kids to school and station and then came home and slept for 40 minutes before our next appointment. We left the house and picked up Eric at school so we could make it to his doctor's appointment at the diabetes center. It was a fruitful morning and the nurses and doctors really took their time to explain everything to us again to make sure we really knew it. It took an hour and a half for that appointment.

We left the hospital and sat in a bit of traffic on our way to the Vasa Musuem. We parked and entered the large hall to the sight of the majestic ship. It was fun to see it again for me. It was also fun to see it through Jackson and Nicole's eyes.

During our visit their, Peter called to tell me the movers can't come on Monday and Tuesday but on Tuesday and Wednesday. OK - THAT IS NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME. I was annoyed and irritated but said that Wednesday is a no-go for the movers as I have chemo #6. So it would have to be two consecutive days and they needed to figure it out.

We went and did some grocery shopping on the way home so we would have food in the house. My energy levels were low and we needed to make this a quick in and out trip- easier said than done with two 10 year olds exploring the store with us.

We managed and made it home to make some dinner. Right before dinner- Sophie decides to puke on the nice carpet we have. Yea- one more thing to complicate life. Nicole cleaned up the puke but the carpet will never be the same. It also means that she is not feeling well and we have to be careful in her feeding routine.

During dinner I get a message that my friend Nikki has gotten her toes tattooed. What? I couldn't believe it. Her big toenails had been gone for a while and the nail didn't grow back. So a tattoo would mean permanent nail polish color would make those toes look good. She went in for just a consultation and came out with two new big toes. That is BRAVE.  She was practicing for when we get our tattoos after my treatment is done.

After dinner I got a visit from Lorraine who had lived in Stockholm before and was here for a quick visit. It was great to spend some time with her. Thanks Lorraine for stopping by!!!!!!

Sleep finally came around midnight after all the blood checking and dog walking stuff.

If .......I stopped making plans and just lived each day at a time.....would there be less stress...???

TIRED. FATIGUED. LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING ASS still............

Hit the Wall

2014.05.19

Woke up before the alarm clock but did not feel rested. Today there was a lot to do. First day to start taking the shots. It hurt a little bit because it has been so long.

The 8:30 am appointment at the orthopedic to look at my toe seemed like a good idea when I made it. Sitting in rush hour for 45 minutes was not my idea of fun as I came a few minutes late to the appointment. Luckily, the nurse could still see me, changed the bandage and said it looked good and we were out in 15 minutes.

My plan was then to take Nicole and Jackson to Stadshuset (Stockholm City Hall) for a guided tour. After a few wrong turns and trying to find parking we made it and signed up for a tour. A very good tour guide made the visit interesting. Jackson asked some questions that stumped the guide.

Going for a swim?

After the tour, we come outside to pouring rain and me in open toed shoes. Yippie. We walked along Hantverkargatan until we found a restaurant and a place to get out of the rain. We ate lunch and by then the rain had let up so our walk back to the car was a dry one.

A little sightseeing by car on the way home and I found myself hitting the wall of no energy. I went to sleep as soon as we got home and snoozed right away. Peter woke me up just before he left for the airport on his way to London.

We made a bunch of leftovers for the kids and they enjoyed it. I have no energy but a million things to do. My body is saying no. I need to rest and build up the energy. I have hit the wall and need to back away slowly.

Everything will work out in the end with the move. The less time I have to prepare the more effective I need to be.

Without Nicole here, this week would be a nightmare. I am going to bed and setting my alarm for 3 am to check Eric's blood sugar.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. 

Nicole - guest blogger

2014.05.18

Hello-- Follow the family tree...My husband, Mike, is Teresa's brother, so your guest blogger for today is Teresa's sister-in-law. My son, Jackson, and I arrived 2 days ago to a flurry of activity, and I think today Teresa is finally tired. Thank goodness for us, because we were having trouble keeping up with her. She said she was too tired to blog, but that's because she's helping Kevin pack clothes for the move. So, even though she's not blogging she's not stopping. CRAZY ENERGY

After two days of moving a lot of furniture with Peter and helping with the garage sale, we took a day to relax a bit today. Kevin had his first American football game of the year--GO FLYERS. We could really show our spirit today.

Jackson and I are learning a lot about life in Sweden, and we're just in time, because the next few things on the list include helping to get things ready to move to London. There will be a couple of doctor's appointments this week, and Eric goes back to school tomorrow. We had the chance to go to his school Friday when we got here and we saw his classroom and met his teachers. It seems like a great place, and they have a lot of fun stuff there. Eric is a champ with knowing what to eat and how much insulin to take. He is so mature about everything. I'm very proud of him for all that he is managing in such a short time after his diagnosis. As with everything else around here, I can see already that he will refuse to be defined by this, but will control it and thrive. What a great kid. He says I'm fun, so that's good too. :-) Eric, Jackson, Marcus and I were on the swings today while Teresa threw a frisbee to Sophie, so who wouldn't be fun doing that? Sophie is truly a champ with that frisbee, and she's good for Teresa. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Teresa is taking charge of all sorts of things, and I can't tell that cancer has changed her a bit, except for the hair. She is a ball of energy, and I daresay we can't keep up with her. Despite many friends texting and messaging and reminding her to rest, she is on the go from morning until night. I keep offering drinks and snacks so that I get a good report from her to Nikki in Malta. I don't want to let anyone down. I'm on the job for the next week, and I have accepted the challenge of trying to get her to rest just a bit. KEEP TRYING. DON'T GIVE UP.

Tomorrow I get to see the famous toe at the orthopedic's office. I can't wait. We're told it is disgusting, but I don't know how Teresa would know because she hasn't looked at it yet. Should be fun if we can get her to take a peek.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of Teresa's friends here. They were all so nice when I met them yesterday at the sale, and I am truly thankful that they could be here when she needed people the most. I've heard many stories about friends who were there when she had her bone marrow test (Dale), when she got her diagnosis (Mia), and when she got the ENT tube (Maria). True friends that have bonds with Teresa that will last a lifetime, and who can make those of us stuck in the States rest easier knowing that Teresa, Peter, Kevin, Marcus and Eric are in good hands with a community of great support. THANKS.

Jack and I are looking forward to a great week, and I know we are all looking forward to our regular blogger being back tomorrow. :-)

MOVING SALE -success

2014.05.17

Not enough sleep - yes it is true. I am not surprised. Steroids, middle of the night blood sugar level tests for Eric and total exhaustion for me, means not enough sleep.

I awoke at 7 am but didn't get out of bed until a half hour later. Then it was full speed ahead with the preparations for the moving sale. We worked hard right up until 12 noon, my bald head was sweaty but I washed it before everyone came and even put sunscreen on it. I was tired but full of energy.

We had prepared and moved everything and were ready when the folk masses came to browse and buy. It was an intensive 4 hours with lots of friends and others that were looking for a bargain. We sold a lot of stuff and everyone left feeling happy with their purchases. A fantastic time in the beautiful sunny and warm day in Stockholm. Nicole kept me supplied with cold drinks and snacks during the day. She was a lifesaver.

There are a lot of different characters that show up at these type of sales. Just saying.

By 5 p.m., I must admit that I was feeling tired, my energy level had decreased and it was time for some dinner and to sit down on the couch for a few minutes before dinner. Felt good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peter made the dinner and we all sat down to enjoy it. Of course, our new reality is Eric figuring out what he wants to eat, counting the carbohydrates and then determining his insulin level. This delays the eating routine but as he gets more comfortable it will get back to normal.

I really loved seeing all the people and friends that came today. Nicole is good at reading people and said that I am someone who gets energy from being with my friends and meeting people. This is totally true. I do love the interaction between people, it is something amazing. THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU THAT CAME BY TODAY. AWESOME. GRATEFUL.

Now the cousins are watching a movie and us adults are just chilling after working hard all day. I just can't fathom that I have so much energy 3 days after chemo #5. It must be because I am focused.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. MOVING SALE. COUSINS. FRIENDS.

So much to do, so little time.....

2014.05.16

Only 5 hours of sleep will make me want to take a nap but alas, the day is long and there is a lot to do.

Pick-up of Nicole and and my nephew, Jackson at the airport. It was Jackson's first flight ever. Eric and Jackson are the same age so this is going to be a fun week.

Home and some breakfast, then it was Peter, Eric and I off to the hospital for our last round of Diabetes training with the nurse. Very useful information!

Home again to find our house guests refreshed and ready for lunch. We ate a quick lunch and then we headed off to Eric's school with Nicole and Jackson to have a meeting with the teachers about Eric coming back on Monday and how they will help him with his Diabetes and taking his insulin. The meeting went well. Nicole and the boys played outside on the playground and had a good time.
We are confident that the last 15 days of school will go well for Eric. Peter will be with him on Monday and explain to the class and then help him through the day.

After the school it was time to head to the mall for some food shopping and to pick up the package that had been sent with all of Eric's diabetes supplies. WOW. That is a lot of stuff.

The boys looking at the candy choices but not buying........

Home again and then it was time to empty the storage unit of the furniture and bring it home in anticipation of the moving sale we are having tomorrow from noon. It was a 3 hour deal to move everything. It was Peter and Nicole that did the moving and I just pointed and tried to help but was not allowed.

Then I made us a late dinner of tacos and we all sat down to eat. Laughs galore, helped by the late hour and jet lag. Never a dull moment here.

An early night for our guests is to be expected and when I am done with this then it is good night so I can prepare for tomorrows event.

I am tired but full of energy. I can't believe it has been two days since chemo. I am sometimes feeling slightly nauseous. I am so tired I will sleep well tonight.........


LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS. LAUGHS. COUSINS. 

I feel fine!

2014.05.15

Took it easy this morning. I let Peter get the kids up and check Eric's blood sugar in the morning. We are getting the hang of the procedures but not his values yet so it is a little stressful to try and keep everything right.

Today we had more diabetes training at the hospital and the final check out meeting with the doctors. They are really a fantastic bunch there and spend the time to explain everything to us even though my chemo brain is not registering everything.

I am amazed that I can get around as well as I do. I don't dare sit down too long because I might not get up. We don't have many days left until the movers come to pack up the house so things have to get done.

After diabetes training it is time to go back to the pharmacy to pick up more of the medicine for Eric and then home. I tried to rest but it just didn't work because I am so excited that my sister in law Nicole and my nephew Jackson are on their way to us. It is Jackson's first ever flight on an airplane so it will be special journey for him.

There is a lot to do before Saturday's huge moving sale at our house will take place. It will be from noon until 4 pm have gone through most of the stuff for the moving sale but definitely not all. I have found puzzles the kids played with when they were little, clothes they have outgrown, tons of toys and books. Amazing what we have collected through the years.

We have been feeling the pressure of all the things that have been going on. Even though I am doing a lot of things, I am not doing so many of the things that should be getting done. And that is very stressful. So, any steps we can take to relieve the stress is good.

Today we decided not to buy the house that we had put an offer in on in London. Our plan was to renovate it and I am just too tired to choose items and deal with the builders. We have decided that it makes the most sense for us to rent something for a year and live our lives and then find a house that fits us perfectly. It was a hard decision to make but it feels like the right one.

I am not having any time to feel the side effects. I am thankful for that. I just get by each day doing the best I can. It is gratifying all my friends that make sure I am not alone by keeping up the contact with me - either in person or by chat or a call. It is overwhelming at times to be so loved. THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS.

CHEMO #5

2014.05.14

Checking blood sugar levels in the middle of the night does not make for a good nights sleep. Eric slept in our bed last night so we didn't have to worry about how he was doing. Got up today and chatted on FB even though I was exhausted. Sent the older boys off to school.

We were at the hospital early enough to deliver all the different cookie packages I had made. Each department was overjoyed as they received our thanks and gratitude along with the cookies. The intensive care unit noticed what a difference for Eric in just a week.

Then it was time for a quick session of carbohydrate counting with the dietist. Halfway through the session, it was time for me to head over to my chemo session at the other end of the hospital.

At 11 am a new nurse called my name in the waiting room. I followed after her and she set me up. But, probably because I missed chemo last week, there was a partial blockage in my central line. This meant that it took them about an hour to get it unblocked. I wasn't surprised with the week we have been having. It ended up working out quite well once they cleared the blockage. The first half of chemo I had a visit from Charlotte and Bea. Excellent company. Thanks Charlotte and Bea.

I finished up my chemo at 4:30 and Eric and Peter were there to pick me up. Only one more time left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I leave the hospital and walk to the car I need to hold on to Peter. I feel not dizzy but unstable considering all the liquid they have pumped into me. My eyes are also very tired, sandy and dried out. It makes me really tired. I also discovered my first canker sore on my tongue. I had read about these as side effects of chemo but had hoped to skip them. I hope it doesn't become too painful or that I get more.

Tonight is my do nothing night just because my strength is gone.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. CHEMO #5. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. ALMOST DONE.

Cleared for take-off

2014.05.13

Every morning is busy just trying to get the kids up to go to school. Once I got them off to school, I sat down for 15 minutes too long to watch tv and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet.

Yep, that meant that the traffic on the roads to the hospital were jammed. I had an appointment with my hematologist at 9 a.m. Peter and Eric were going to meet me there and then we were going to check Eric out of the hospital and go home. ...............

Traffic (and my 15 minute coffee break) meant I parked the car in the parking garage at 8:58 and had to run from the children's hospital parking across to Karolinska, check in on the first floor and then up to the Hematology department. Imagine how funny it looked with me trying to run (hobble very quickly) with one foot (and bad toe) in a boot and the other in a sneaker and a cancer cap on my head.........

I got there at 9:06. Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. I am so pleased with the doctor. He has a great manner and gave me a lot of good news today that is hopeful. My blood work is (as quoted by the doctor) "better than a healthy person."  My toe looks great. (Although they were unable to give me a new bandage I was forced to go to my local nurse in Taby) Chemo #5 is on for tomorrow. I will continue with the antibiotics for my toe for the next two weeks as a preventive measure. My chemo #6 is scheduled. The PET and CT scan are scheduled for June 16th. The follow-up and results appointment is scheduled for June 19th and we have the possibility to take our planned trip to my parent's 50th Wedding Anniversary party on June 22nd.

There is now no margin of error. So I am hopeful. Of course, he couldn't guarantee that we can fly on the 22nd if there is still some cancer left. But hope is the only thing I have now. So, Midsummer in Sweden can be fantastic or f.....ed up depending on the outcome. I am putting my money on fantastic.

After the appointment we took the culvert passage under Karolinska to Astrid Lindgrens children's hospital back up to Eric's ward so he could check out. They were really fantastic there. It felt kind of sad to leave.

Then it was time to stop at the pharmacy for all of my medicine and for Eric's medicine. Of course there were some small glitches with his prescriptions but I made a call up to the Diabetes center and got it worked out. Lucky that all the prescriptions are sent electronically.

Then it was home to drop off all the stuff and then to McDonalds as we had promised Eric.  After we ate, I headed up to the local nurse and got a new bandage put on and then I met Peter and Eric so we could drive home.

Well, part of the preparation for chemo is always the baking of cookies. Today though my list of people to make cookies for got longer. I made a double batch. These people will be happy tomorrow: the chemo nurses, the nurses in ward Q63 where Eric has been staying, intensive care nurses and Sanna, the emergency room nurse who scooped  Eric up in her arms and ran into the hallway yelling after doctors to come quickly. It is the least I can do.

We now have a new reality of counting carbohydrates in the food Eric eats and calculating how much insulin he needs to take. He is hungry all the time and is eating like a pig - makes sense because he really hasn't eaten anything in the last few weeks as his body has burned all his fat and muscle to survive. It is amazing.

Tonight I received fantastic help to go through boxes and get ready for the moving sale this weekend. Annica and Mia are lifesavers in setting everything up and helping me decide what should stay and what should go. Thanks Mia and Annica.

Really tired now but still some good news on many fronts today. 

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FAMILY. TRUE FRIENDS.

Cancer Card

2014.05.12

Monday Morning and I am home with the two oldest. I am responsible to get them out of bed. I should be so lucky to only have to say "get out of bed" once. I should really record myself and just put it on repeat. They always make it to school on time but I am most often stressed a bit because I think they should be there earlier.

Right after I dropped them off, I head to the Täby lab to leave some blood in anticipation of tomorrow's doctor visit. I get there at 7:58 am and take a number - exasperated that there are more than 40 people already waiting. Then I remember what they said the last time I was there. I went up to one of the nurses and said "Last time I was here, they said that if you have cancer you should speak up, what should I do?"  She said "Come right this way and I will take care of you right away." Five minutes later I was finished and on my way out walking right past those 40 people. Ok, one advantage to having cancer is you get to skip the line. Yep, I played the cancer card.

Then I came home and thought that I would get some stuff done before heading over to the hospital. I ate a little breakfast and then watched a little tv. I was feeling sad.  I feel the adrenaline is subsiding as Eric is getting better.  This is making my emotions more raw. I have had them in check to get through all of this. Mentally drained and not enough sleep makes all of this harder.

My friends call all the time and check in on me and offer to help. It feels overwhelming to be loved and cared about so much but I am getting better at accepting help. I realize it is necessary.

I got to the hospital and went up to Eric's room just in time for our diabetes training. Today the session was about ketosacidosis. That is exactly what happened to Eric. I asked the doctor for his numbers from when he was checked into the emergency room. Holy crap. His numbers in every measurement were off the charts. I am so grateful we made it in time and that the excellent doctors and nurses in the emergency room and the intensive care unit were able to perform a miracle. I am grateful for my son.

It was an interesting session and it was followed by a meeting with the dietitian and then the doctor. It was a long day and I was tired by the end at 4 p.m. It was time for a quick nap in the hospital room before we headed over to my oldest son's school for their 10th grade personal project presentations. I was so proud of him. He got the highest grade for his work. Awesome. Good to have some good news.

Now home again and I need to mentally prepare and reflect on how it will be when Eric and Peter come home tomorrow. Eric is hungry all the time and all he talks about is food. He has lost so much weight and his body is calling out for nutrients. This is to be expected but it means we will be pros in no time on carb counting and calculating the dosage of insulin every time he eats.

YES, I still have cancer. I almost forget myself because I have been so focused on Eric getting better. But, I am hoping the doctor will say everything is ok for chemo #5 to happen on Wednesday.  I really have no tolerance levels for any other set backs or road blocks.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING ANYONE'S ASS at this point. FRIENDS. FAMILY. FANTASTIC DOCTORS AND NURSES.

Parallel Universe

2014.05.11

The last few days have been a blur but I need to write about them so I can let go and also so I can appreciate all that I have gone through when I come back and read this in 6 months.

Thursday, May 8th

The entire day was spent in the hospital in the intensive care unit as they worked on getting Eric's body back into its proper state. It wasn't until the late afternoon that he showed a dramatic improvement. Tuesday and Wednesday he was like a zombie- no energy and barely talking. I must say that the staff in this unit are fantastic. Just amazing how well they take care of him and us. By the late evening, the doctors thought that his values had stabilized enough to move him to the regular ward. It was a relief. All the nurses came and gave us hugs. We sure were a sight - the mom with cancer and a clump foot and the dad that arrived from London in the middle of the night.

I am working off of the adrenaline and I have tons of energy. The only focus is to remember to take my medicine three times a day and that Eric is getting better. Good thing my sister was here to give support and to make food for the other two kids at home.

Friday, May 9th

What a day! The only available appointment at the orthopedics was at 8:30 am which meant braving "rush hour" traffic on E4. Two nurses take me and my sister to the examination room and are going to remove the bandage. I inform them that I do not want to see it at all and promptly turn my head away and close my eyes. I am just not ready. It hurt a bit when they took off the bandage and I cried just because of all the pent up pissed off feelings about having to go through this shit - and they needed to be released somewhere- crying is always good.  The doctor came in and said the infection was gone and that it all looked good. My sister was so lucky to be able to see and experience all of this.

Not looking......a little bit of pain never hurt...

Enjoying her visit to Sweden

Right after that it was time to hobble over to the children's hospital building to go through the Diabetes training that is mandatory for us parents and for Eric before he can go home. Then we had a private review with the head Diabetes doctor about Eric. Again- thankful for all the scientists and researchers that have studied this disease and make it into a livable condition.

First time out of bed in almost 3 days!

I needed to have a break- so my sister and I went into town and ate lunch at a nice restaurant. I felt bad that her only perspective of Sweden has been a half day visit to Gamla Stan and then the rest of the time spent in different wards in the different hospitals either for me or for Eric. It was good to be normal for an hour.

Then we headed back to the hospital and I switched with Peter so he could go home for a few hours and then come back and sleep over. Eric is sharing a room with another boy that got Diabetes the day before him. They are sharing this experience together. Awesome! That evening Eric was disconnected from all the drops and could finally change his shirt that he had been wearing since Tuesday and had puked on. That was a good sign. He also took his first insulin shot. What a brave and accepting kid! I got home at 10 pm that night and finally fell asleep at midnight.

Eric's first real meal. Yippie!

Saturday, May 10th

Wow, slept until 8:30 am. I think I needed that. I am exhausted but I only feel it the few minutes I sit down each day. I am worried that I won't be able to stand up again, but I always do. My sister and I drove down to Gnesta to pick up the newly covered dining room chairs. It was good again to get away from the hospital routine and to check one thing off my list which is getting longer but with less days to complete it. A challenge to say the least.

On our way back we were hungry and stopped at Burger King. I took a coca-cola for the first time in 3 months. It tasted really different now and not as appealing as it was before. Hopefully, I have been cured of the need to drink that empty calorie drink for good.

Aunt Kris saying good bye to Eric.

I relieved Peter and stayed at the hospital until 6 p.m.. Eric is taking his own shots, counting his carbs and maintaining his great attitude. His easy acceptance of all of this has floored me! I am speechless.

Went home and picked up my sister and the two older boys so we could try a new restaurant in town. The company and laughs during dinner were great, unfortunately the food and service could have been better but we had fun anyway.

Home in time to see the Eurovision Song Contest and let my sister really experience a one of a kind show and another perspective of Europe. Sweden came third - good work Sweden. Sleep finally came at almost 2 am- every time I closed my eyes, I just imagined what they had done to my toe. Eventually- I dozed off.

Sunday, May 11th -morning...

Awoke early so as to take my sister to the airport for her flight back. It was a quick week and a different view of Sweden that she experienced but I am grateful for all of her help. Now I have had my coffee and am preparing to head back to the hospital for the day. My toe is feeling better and I am going to make a list of what I need to do. Peter sent me a picture of the boys eating breakfast and I am happy that everything is headed in the right direction....one step at a time.

Boys eating breakfast!  

I write this blog for myself- that is and always will be my intention. But, I am so grateful for all of you who read it and then comment or send messages because that is what I read and refer to when I might be feeling down or need lifting up. Thank you to all of you who pick me up off the floor with your love and support! 

LOVED. GRATEFUL. AMAZING SON. KICKING EVERYONE'S ASS now. FAMILY. FRIENDS. CANCER SUCKS. LIFE IS GOOD.