May Bonfire.

2014.04.30

Tired this morning upon waking up. But managed to drag this old body out of the bed and out with the dog. Back inside after a short walk I got the kids up and took my pills and my shot.

Only my two oldest had school today so getting them off to school was not a problem.

I ate some breakfast and then the phone rang. It was Ulrica, the 2nd grade teacher from Campus Manilla where I work. I was on speakerphone and the whole class sang Happy Birthday to me and told me what time the grilling started today so I could come and visit them. Wow, tears came to my eyes during their thoughtful rendition of the song.

I was tired so I took a 1,5 hour nap before it was time to drive into town to meet my students at school. Today they were having a grill day for lunch with some outside games and this makes it easier for me to hang out with them.

My youngest son followed along for the day. We arrived at the campus and walked into the 2nd grade classroom. All the kids were happy to see me. It was awesome to see all of their smiling faces again. I spent the next three hours talking to and playing with the kids from kindergarten to third grade. One of the cutest moments was when I joined the first grade class and they asked why do you have that hat on? I said "I don't have any hair under it. Do you want to see it?" They shouted "yes". I took off the hat and they all wanted to touch my head. So I bent my head over and had 24 different hands rub it....is that good luck for them or me? Adorable. After three fun filled hours it was time to head home. Hugs galore from all the kids. LOVED. MISS THEM TERRIBLY.

The traffic was terrible to get home as it is the first day of a 4 day weekend. I was tired when I got home. I set my alarm and slept 1,5 hours so I could have enough strength for dinner at Stina's house and the neighborhood bonfire and fireworks later on in the evening. Awesome to sleep.

It was 6 p.m. and we walked over to Stina's house. I have boys, she has boys and there were a few friends there too. So the house was filled with boys - good thing they were on the trampoline before dinner and worked out some of their energy. Great dinner and company as usual. Thanks Stina and Alex.

We walked to the bonfire area. The children were lining up a bit away so they could each carry a lit torch to throw on the fire after the procession. It is always kind of cool to watch the procession and then how the kids form a ring around the huge pile of twigs and branches and throw the torches on it. As it quickly flames up, we are all backing away from the heat. As the fire dies out -- the fireworks start. They are always enjoyable to watch. The whole bonfire evening is a fun way to welcome in Spring and to see the neighbors. I might just miss that aspect of Sweden when we move.

Of course, it was really cold tonight and started to rain just before we got home. That is typical Swedish weather - they are even predicting snow for tomorrow-----hahhahaha. It wouldn't surprise me.

Tomorrow will be a day of rest. I promise to myself to try that for a whole day. It just might work.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. BONFIRE. HAPPY STUDENTS. HUGS. KICKING CANCER'S ASS.

A Birthday with Cancer

2014.04.29

Restless night- awoken in the middle of the night by different pings on my phone- the birthday greetings were coming in early. I tried to fall asleep again and managed another few hours.

At 6 am, Sophie was getting a little restless. Get up, put on my jacket, put on her leash and we head out the door for the morning walk. I am half awake. As we near the end of the walk, Sophie spots a pigeon or dove that she decides to chase. Only problem was I was holding on to the flexi-leash when she starts running. I don't have time to think about letting go of the leash and I try to minimize the pain as I fall down to the ground. My knees and palms scraped and huge grass stains on my nice pajamas. Now I was awake. I hobbled home and starting getting the kids up and enjoying all the well wishes that were pinging my phone. LOVED.

The kids got off to school and I was already tired. I got ready for the morning event. A coffee and cake at Charlotte's house with a bunch of other English speaking moms. I was greeted at the door by Charlotte singing Happy Birthday. Awesome. She also makes a mean muffin. I need that recipe.  A really fun morning meeting the other moms. All of us are in different stages with our kids, how quickly we forget what it was like when they were little. Each period in our life is special.

Today I have reflected a little in my moments of peace and quiet between all the fantastic flower deliveries.

Thanks for all the flowers.

Is a Birthday day different than any other day? On Facebook, it is the day each year when you get  tons of greetings from tons of people. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It is a day of reflection where one can look back and see "what have I accomplished this year? or what am I grateful for this year?" It is a day to spend time with the ones who you love and who love you back. The interaction between people -----that is life. It is meant to be CELEBRATED.

Having cancer puts your "real" life on hold and you fall into an alternative reality. How will it be once the cancer is gone? Will I get caught up in life again or will I have learned to smell the flowers along the way?

Bald on my birthday. That's OK. I do not mind the baldness at all. It sometimes feel more uncomfortable for others than for me. By others I mean those that do not know me. I am not shy to talk about the cancer, but many don't know how to respond. Cancer has always been synonymous with death or near death. That is scary for everyone. To be faced with one's own mortality is not something we look forward to ---ever. And why should we? Most of us live our life and get into the routine of doing all those things we think we MUST do.

Dinner with the kids felt empty without Peter here.

Princess tårta is my favorite Swedish cake for my birthday. Today was no exception. Mia and Stina came over after dinner and there were many laughs and some delicious cake enjoyed. I am amazed how quickly the kids come out of their rooms when there is cake involved......

I am grateful for today. I feel loved. I am tired. I turned another year older. It's OK. I appreciate my life and the people in my life. I am bald and...beautiful...(?) 

LOVED. CELEBRATE LIFE. KICK CANCER'S ASS. FRIENDS. FAMILY. BIRTHDAY

Manic Monday

2014.04.28

A beautiful sunny day! Gave myself the first of five shots in the tummy- did it all by myself.

Updated the software to the bookkeeping program.

Then I ate lunch in town at Bistro Burger.

After it was time to head to the eyeglass-contact lens place to sort out some things. I needed to find some sort of sunglasses or clip ons to put over my eyeglasses because I can't wear contact lenses during chemo. It was a sunny day so it was critical. It resulted in me visiting 4 different places and walking quite a bit in the hot sun. Finally I got a clip-on flip up type. They will take some getting used to.

I was really tired when I got home and rested for about 1,5 hours. I really needed that. Then I made myself some dinner and the kids made their own.

Grilled chicken breast, grilled peppers and feta

This is the tired period and I feel it right now. Enough energy for the day and then boom - the tired wave hits and there is no strength left.

I feel good otherwise. Too tired to write more today........

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS.

Storage Sunday

2014.04.27

Awoke early as usual. Did all the usual stuff.

This is what my middle son says when he rubs my bald head........

Today was passed doing the following:

• Talking to mortgage broker, 2 hrs.
• Consolidating storage units, 3 hrs
•  Eating, 2 hours.
• Attempting tax return, 1 hr
• Fixing technology on the mac, too long
• Watching tv, 1 hour
• Uppload pictures of stuff to sell for garage sale, half hour
• Finding quotes for the blog, half hour
• Sending e-mails, 1 hour

SUN shining. Chatting with friends. Tired me. Rest tonight.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. STILL KICKING ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS.

ENERGY is here

2014.04.26

Restless night, trouble falling asleep and then the alarm clock went off too early for my liking on a Saturday morning. We were in a hurry. We had to pick up the rental truck before 8 am to make sure moving of stuff would happen according to schedule.

My pills went done ok. Shower, eat breakfast and we picked up the truck in good time. We headed to the storage unit to do a first run with the big bookcases and furniture that we had put there when the house was on the market. We needed to bring it home so we can have a garage sale in two weeks and get rid of everything. We got the help of Alex to empty the last things at the house. Then it was back to the storage unit to fill up the truck with office furniture to sell to a used furniture place. We got additional help from Anders. Many hands make light work. Home again by 11:30 and we had worked hard. Thanks for the help Alex and Anders.

I was starving. (so much for losing weight) I made some food and then started making my lists in preparation of the coming weeks. It was time for some mental work after the mornings physical work. I got a lot done and it feels good.

The sun was shining and Peter headed out for a run and then was going to see a youth soccer game of friends son. It was great to be out in the sun and just sit on the sidelines and enjoy life. It has been a long time since I have done that and appreciated it. My bald head even got some sunscreen on it. I am more comfortable to just be bald out in public. The hats are just too hot sometimes. Yes, people stare, but I don't care because it is a badge of honor to show that I am a fighter.

Home again and many messages had come in to me from my friends. So heartwarming and feeling loved. It gives me energy and I am grateful. Thanks to all of you that care about me.

Dinner finally was grilled meats and vegetable on skewers. Yum Yum.

I had the company of Stina on my walk with the dog after dinner. Fresh air and catching up on all the things we needed to was awesome. Thanks Stina.

Now I am tired but not sleepy thanks to those steroids.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. FAMILY. SUN. PLANNING. KICKING CANCER'S ASS.

TGIF

2014.04.25

Only up once in the middle of the night. Was tired when I woke up just before the alarm went off. But, today was a hurry up and relax day.  Checked FB and messages from friends that arrived in the middle of the night. Not always having strength to answer right away to all the messages. Up and out with the dog. She is so good and patient. Then take some pills and get the kids up. There was frost on the ground and ice on the windshield.

Ended up driving the kids to the station and to school. I am a nice mom. They were lucky today. Then it was home to shower and get ready for my walk with Petra.

Petra knocked on the door and we were off on a good paced walk talking about everything and laughing most of the way. Great with fresh air. Back from the walk and we had some tea and coffee and she got to taste some cookies..........THANKS Petra.

I ate and snacked the whole day. Got some emails sent, some appointments made for next week, watched some of my favorite British shows and planned for some logistics for the move. I chatted with most of my family in the USA during the day and even got to watch my niece, Katelyn eating a dunkin donut with sprinkles on it because it is her birthday. Torture to watch....

My youngest called and I picked him up from school and then we did a quick trip to the supermarket. It was the first time I didn't have a hat on. Felt good to be bald and not care. I do notice that everyone looks. Also confusing to them that we switch between Swedish and English as we converse with each other.

Home again and he helped to put the groceries away before the others came home from school. All is calm and dinner was eaten with gusto.

Peter is on his way home and that will be good because we have a lot of work to do tomorrow like emptying the storage units and going through more boxes. I will try and pace myself, it will be hard.

LOVED. FAMILY, FRIENDS. WALKS. KICKING ASS. GRATEFUL.

APPLE STORE DAY

2014.04.24

Awake before the alarm clock today and I am not surprised. Those steroids are really fun. But, I have at least slept through the night. Took my pills today after I came in from walking the dog.  It was a beautiful morning.

I got the kids up and they did a pretty good job of getting ready and everyone made it to school on time. So by 8 a.m., I  am eating my bowl of cheerios and drinking my cranberry juice and sitting in front of the TV watching some junk.

Peter is meeting a builder at the new house in London and calls me after with the update. Our renovation plans might be a bit delayed because the builder is not available until August and I probably won’t have the strength to pick everything out on a possible 2 day visit to London in June.  It would be hard to pick out hardwood flooring, all fixtures in the house, kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, wall and ceiling colors in just two days. It feels overwhelming so it might be better to take it easy with the renovations and pick everything out in peace and quiet in August.

I went out with Sophie just before I left for my appointment at the Apple Store so I can get help to get my recovered photos into the IPhoto app. Well, who knew it would be such a complicated process.

Today’s blog is being written at the Apple Store where I have spent the last 8,5 hours trying to get my photos updated and into IPhoto.

At the Apple store I have spent my time today with copying over from the recovered external hard drive to the newly purchased external hard drive so I would have a back up. (took 3 hours) Then I needed to update the operating system to Maverick and then I needed to update to the latest IPhoto. (took 2 hours). Then of course the IPhoto library was damaged so the solution was to drag all the pictures over and create a new library. So far one hour has gone by and about 5000 pictures have been transferred and only 10000 are left……who knows how long this will take? At least they are all really nice here. This morning the guy helping me said ok this could take a while, how much time do you have? I replied I have all day, I have cancer!

They even watched my computer when I went down to eat lunch. Otherwise I have been sitting on this chair for more than 8 hours and I can see that this place is hopping with people that need help.

I have not had much time to think today. I feel good physically and that is a relief. I have been surfing on my iphone and have read all the news that I could find. Clicking on Facebook is boring if you do it every 10 minutes. The kids are home and fending for themselves now. Good thing they are old enough to take care of themselves now in a responsible manner.

This is not how I planned to spend the day but hey there are worse places to be than here at the Apple Store.

It my bad mood gone? Maybe, things always look better the next day. My tolerance level  is so low that any sort of little setback seems like a huge setback. I have to realize that and try not to let myself get worked up over the little things. Of course, that is easier said than done.

LOVED. APPLE STORE. FRIENDS. FAMILY. KICKING CANCER’S ASS. PHOTOS. MEMORIES.

CHEMO #4

2014.04.23

Slept through the night! Yippee considering that today I start taking the steroids again. The down feeling from yesterday was still with me. We had hoped for 100% but only got 90%. That last 10% I want out too --it will just take a bit longer.  But as many of my friends pointed out to get 90% out means the medicine is working and the last 10% should be killed by the next three treatments.

Took my pills and then chatted on FB as I lay in bed. My chemo didn't start until 1 pm today so I had the morning to lounge about and get some stuff done.

I had made a call yesterday to our insurance company to inquire about the repayment of our cancelled trip due to my cancer. They were supposed to call back by 9 am. Well, they didn't so I called them and got to talk to the person in charge of our claim. I was so totally pissed off and frustrated because it has gone almost 2 months and they should have paid out. They were nonchalant and their mails had not reached me like she claims. Finally, me almost crying from frustration and their stupidity, she all of a sudden could make the payment today. This is not how it should be and I told her I hope they change their routine so no one has to experience what I did.

So the combination of the steroids, the bad feeling from yesterday and my "discussion" with the insurance company I was in a really bad mood. And that was not how I should be going into the chemo. Now I was frustrated that I was in a bad mood but couldn't get rid of it so easily.

I looked up in the Urban dictionary online (fun but not real, I realize it) the word shithead after I got off the phone with the girl from the insurance company. This is what I got:

shithead

A complete dumbass; a genuine moron. Someone who has committed an act in which causes harm or temporary discomfort to another.

 Then I started to laugh and have fun when I found this:

ass

(_!_) = Normal Ass

(__!__) = Big Ass

(!) = Tight Ass

(_?_) = Dumb Ass

(_E=MC2_) = Smart Ass

(_$_) = Rich Ass

(_x_) = Kiss My Ass

(_X_) = Get Off My Ass 

I have been up with my attitude for 62 days, so a bad mood was bound to happen. It should be gone by tomorrow.....

We arrived at the hospital with time to spare. In the waiting room I put my headphones in and put on the Kick ass play list to try and break the bad mood. I zoned out for 15 minutes and that helped a little bit.

A saving grace was my nurse Anna. She gave me a big hug after I gave her the cookies. That felt good to make her happy. She took off the bandage covering my central line and I closed my eyes because I do not want to see it. Then she started gently cleaning the area and was so caring. That moved my heart. When I finally opened my eyes she had cleaned the area and put in the needle. It hurt a little. I finally looked at it and it didn't look like I thought it would. It is operated in under my skin so you don't see it and the only thing I saw was the needle sticking out with the tubes attached. She noticed that I wasn't my perky usual self and asked if there was anything she could do. That meant a lot.

The treatment today was super quick compared to previous times. Hooked up and chemo started at 1:15 and I was done by 4:15. Only 3 hours. That is good. But it also means that the almost 2 liters of medicine that they pumped in to me makes me feel tired and like the liquids are up to my eyeballs.

We were home by 5 pm and Peter had time to make dinner for us before he left just after 6 pm to catch a plane to London so he can work a little bit in the office this week.

I went for a slow walk with Sophie and it almost felt like the liquid medicine was sloshing around inside of me. The fresh air was good after spending the afternoon in the hospital.

Today during treatment feeling nauseous for the first time and don't know if it's because of my bad mood or the chemo. I think I will take a pill for it so I don't have to feel worse than I already do.

Home now and feeling tired so I am going to try and sleep and get rid of this bad mood! One thing that is helping it go away is the constant contact from my friends and family checking in on me. Without that support, I would be lost. GRATEFUL.

LOVED. (_E=MC2_). GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. CHEMO #4. BIG ASS KICKING. FAMILY.

90% of mass decreased

2014.04.22

Awoke at 5:45 am when the alarm went off but I didn't fall asleep until 2 am so a bit out of sorts when I woke up.

I got ready to go. We got the kids up and told them they needed to leave the house at the right time to get to school as we had to leave earlier to get the lab in time. They did it.

We arrived at the hospital and I got ticket number 1 for the lab. Good- the results would be done by the time we met the doctor. The lab nurse took my blood and sent it off for analysis. Now we had to wait two hours until the doctors appointment. I had forgotten to eat breakfast so I ordered 3 Swedish pancakes and ate them with no problem at all. Then Peter and I went up to the Hematology waiting room which is usually much calmer. We passed the time and then it was our turn. The doctor was a new one for us. It is the third doctor I have had appointments with.

We came into his office and sat down. I let him tell us about the results of the cat scan. I had been counting on it being 100% gone and anything less was going to be a disappointment. The mass has decreased by 90% in terms of area. That is good. My blood results were great! We talked about the next three treatments and then what tests will be done at the end to make sure that it is gone. The tests will be a pet scan and a cat scan. And I told him I want the central line taken out too. All of this should be done before we go to the USA on Midsummer weekend. I will do my part to make sure it happens.

Home again to eat some leftovers. Peter started working again and I sat on the chair and watched/slept through a TV show or two. By the time the kids came home we had made a few plans for the London house and this house in preparation for the move.

Dinner was easy and then Peter headed off to the dump to get rid of some of the junk we have accumulated.

Now it is chocolate chip cookie making so the nurses are happy tomorrow. My two youngest helped this time with the baking. (I think it is because they like licking the bowl after)

Wow, no line at the dump, Peter is back already! The smell of the cookies is filling the house. I think I have done enough for today.

Tomorrow it starts all over again. Only 3 more times. I am halfway there. Why am I so tired? Physically I can handle it, it is the mental part that is worrying........but I will handle it thanks to my family and friends.

LOVED. 90%. REAL GONE. CHEMO. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FRIENDS. FAMILY.

Melancholy Monday

2014.04.21

Awoke at 5:30 am, got up and visited the little girl's room and then fell asleep until 8:45 am. Not bad. Some of my friends were worried when they hadn't heard from me in the morning. Took my pills, ate some breakfast and then tried to watch some TV.

The kids got up in time for lunch. I had made myself two eggs and some bacon for a mid morning snack. The day felt long already by 1 pm. I didn't feel tired but I just didn't have any energy to do anything today.

Peter changed the tires on both cars, we chatted with the neighbors and I sat on the front lawn enjoying the sun and throwing the Frisbee for Sophie to catch. She enjoyed being out in the sun too. We had brought out the outdoor furniture and I saw that they needed to be oiled. It was on my list of things to do.

I am nervous for the results of the cat scan test tomorrow when I go to the doctors. It is what it is but in the times of letting my mind wander it sure does wonder how it will turn out.......

So, I decided that I felt like eating out tonight but as this is Sweden and it is the day after Easter, the stores were closing at 6 pm and the restaurants at 7 pm in Täby Centrum. So at 5 pm it was a quick dash to Vapianos for some Italian food. It is now painful to eat most foods. My mouth is sore and hard to open so I eat slowly and try to ignore the discomfort. But my hungry stomach usually convinces my head and mouth to go along with this torture....

It was pasta, cappuccino and even a little Tiramasu. When we got home I had some energy and the setting sun was warm and inviting so I decided to oil the chairs and the table. I spent almost an hour to oil in the 10 chairs and the long table. I needed to do it and I am only going to get weaker, so today was the day. It felt good to get something done today.

Friends and family checked in on me today and that always feel good. It lets me know that they care and that I am loved. And the reminders usually come just when I need them.......

Big day tomorrow for blood work and cat scan test results at the doctor. Up early tomorrow to be there in time. Gotta write down my list of questions for the doctor.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. KICKING SOME ASS. FAMILY. HALFWAY.

Easter Sunday

2014.04.20

YES, you guessed it. I awoke before the alarm clock but at least I had slept through the night. I took Sophie out to the woods for her morning rituals and then we came back in and I made myself a big bowl of cereal. Everyone else was asleep. The silence was deafening but peaceful.

Jenny and I had stayed up late last night and stuffed 85 small plastic Easter eggs with jelly beans and chocolate so the kids could do the annual Easter Egg Hunt this morning.

85 small eggs...filled with jelly beans or chocolate.....

The kids finally woke up and they knew the rules. Eat breakfast, get dressed and everyone has to be ready at the same time. There are no good pictures from them finding the eggs because it happened so fast. I have never seen them move so fast. 

This year's weather was so different from last year when there was at least a foot of snow covering the ground and our friends were visiting from the USA.

The children found their eggs and gathered around the kitchen table to see what they got. A little bit of trading went on between them but for the most part they were quite happy.

Then we started to pack up the house so we could get home to start emptying the storage units and getting rid of some stuff before we move. I spent about two hours going through boxes and throwing out papers from 1992-1996. Why had I even saved them in the first place?  I did find Peter's dance card to the dance school we went to before we got married.........I am saving that memento.

Dinner was grilled marinated chicken breasts that tasted great fresh off the grill. I am tired today but not exhausted at least. Those white blood cells are increasing.......

So many thoughts going on in my head. It is hard for anyone else to understand the range of thoughts that fly past my brain. Positive thoughts that the tumor is getting smaller, everything will be ok to what if it's not working, my life is forever changed by this, I am a changed person, true friends show themselves in times of crisis, what is important in life, will I really live to a ripe old age, must do all the things that are important to me and are meaningful too.  Sometimes it is like a speeding freight train barreling down the tracks heading for........who knows what?

I have the support of family of friends and that really is keeping me going. GRATEFUL.

LOVED. KICKING KICKING KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FRIENDS. FAMILY. EASTER EGG HUNT.

Happy Easter Saturday!

2014.04.19

A long night that resulted in many hours sleep just not all in a row. There was  a middle of the night hot chocolate and sandwich break at 2 am. I was lucky then to have a chat on FB with Kim. Thanks KIM.

I fell back asleep and woke again at 6 am. At our summerhouse it is pretty good when the dog has to go out. We have a lot of forest around our house and I just go out with her and she does her business. Awesome. I took her out and then went back to bed. All of us sleep a lot better out here with all the fresh air.

The morning fog lifted and gave a brilliant sunny day today!

Finally mid-morning and we eat our first breakfast, get ready for the day and then it is time for our second breakfast (brunch). I am feeling tired even though I have been in bed so many hours. But better to rest so I can be in on the festivities in the afternoon.

Early afternoon and it is time to head to Farfar and Evy’s house for Easter Eve Lunch. All of the cousins were gathered. All of the usual Easter foods (Swedish style) were served. And everything tasted great as usual. The kids love going there for the annual egg hunt.  They have to eat lunch first and then they start together and look for the hidden egg on the property with their name on it. They can’t open their egg until everyone has found theirs. They are so happy when they can open it and start eating the candy. Thanks Reinhold and Evy for a great day!

The cousins with their Easter Eggs filled with candy.

I got a chance to rest when the rest of the gang went down to admire the new dock. It felt good to rest after sitting out on the back deck in the sun for a couple of hours. I tried to tan my bald head. Not sure it made a difference. 

We came home around dinnertime with Jenny, Patrik and Ulrica who are sleeping over tonight. We whipped up some dinner while the kids and Peter started a quick little fire to get rid of some small trees. Not so many matches and fresh trees means not everything burned. The 5 ravenous children ate up dinner quickly. It is so fun that the cousins can spend time together.

Tea and the rest of the girl scout cookies were enjoyed by us adults. Now we are just going to relax and watch the Beatles special on TV.

I am tired but not overtired. Otherwise I feel good and I appreciate every day that it is that way. Can’t wait to be done kicking cancer’s ass but know that I need to take it one day at a time.

LOVED. FAMILY. FRIENDS. KICKING CANCER’S ASS. BALD HEAD. GRATEFUL. 

Good Friday to relax

2014.04.18

Eyes open at 5:30 am. Tried to fall asleep again but it didn’t work. Finally at 6:30 I got out of bed and defrosted my shot to be taken a half hour later. 

I am chatting with the other morning person I know – Nikki. She makes me laugh every day. I took my shot all by myself and it didn’t even hurt. I am good……

Then it was time to try and rouse the crew. Peter packed the bags and everyone got up and ate some breakfast. We are headed to the summer house for Easter. The kids are not so gung ho because we don’t have internet there. But once we get here they enjoy the change of pace and adapt.

We took two cars because we had stuff to bring there and back for the London move.  I arrived about an hour after the others and we had a lite lunch before Peter and I headed into Gustavsberg to the outlets to get some new plates and bowls to take with us to London. They will match very nicely with our new kitchen there.

When we got back it was time to start a bonfire to burn up all the broken branches and scrap that we have accumulated in the last year. Peter’s dad even came over to assist with the fire. It is still burning after 6 hours. The property looks a lot better now. We weren’t the only ones on the island who had a fire going. My sister facetimed me and I got to see where she is enjoying her Easter Break.

I tried to rest but only managed a half hour before dinner. Dinner is always so cosy at this house. But then the inevitable food coma hits and everyone is tired. It must be all the fresh air out here.

My niece, Katelyn, facetimed me and I got to talk to the whole family. Awesome. The boys went out to try and get the outside fire going a little bit and we lit a fire in the indoor fireplace because it gets chilly in the evenings here. COSY.

Good to semi-relax this weekend. A change of routine and scenery. Just what I needed.

LOVED. FRIENDS. FAMILY. BONFIRE. KICKING ASS. FRESH AIR.

HALFWAY CAT SCAN

2014.04.17

I slept heavy last night, according to my husband. He knew better than to start chatting with me when he got home last night. I slept through the night and woke up feeling less tired but still anxious.

 We made it to the hospital in time and they called my name to come into the cat-scan room. I told them i had a central line and that made their job easier. I had to take off my eyeglasses and lay down on the bank with my head resting in a mold to keep it still. Of course, once the eyeglasses are off my hearing gets worse so I closed my eyes. It hurt just a bit when she put the needle in. I started to tear up because it hurt and also because I was laying there getting scanned again to see the status. My mind is racing and thinking every possible thing. The nurse noticed my tension and said open your eyes, it will be ok, and then she rubbed my hand. I closed my eyes again. The procedure was done in 10 minutes and other than the needle going in didn't hurt physically but more mentally. It all becomes real. The nurse gave me two bandages to use before I take chemo next time and can be used to numb the area so the needle won't hurt. That was a caring gesture.

I really haven't spent any time crying. It is when I least expect it and the emotions just come out. It is a good release to cry sometimes but I have just focused on kicking butt and not really allowed myself to wallow in any deep contemplative shit about poor me. I would like to but that is just not my style.

The results of the cat scan won't be known until next Tuesday at the next doctor's appointment. Waiting  will allow me to test my patience and improve it.......................hahahahaha   (ok, I'll try..)

Leaving the hospital, we drove to pick up my saved hard drive and then we were home before lunch. I ate a quick salad and felt a bit tired. I went to lay down for a little nap and woke up 4 hours later. HOLY MOLEY. I must have been tired.

Got some London house stuff online. And then it was time for dinner but no food at home meant Peter went food shopping first. A simple dinner happened at 7 pm. Good to eat and sit with the family. I missed so much during my nap.

After dinner, Stina came over to give some assistance and styling tips on the new house in London and which furniture we should bring over. We need to get rid of a lot of stuff because the new house is a lot smaller than we are used to. The challenge of living with less is exciting.

The kids have been watching a movie with Peter and I am tired again. A long day made shorter by taking a nap in the middle.

LOVED. FRIENDS. KICKING SOME ASS. NAP. GRATEFUL. 

Wednesday is hump day

2014.04.16

Woke up, defrosted shot, took a shower, chatted on FB, gave myself the shot, reset the alarm clock for an hour.

Alarm clock rings. A lot to do today. Clara is coming for fika/lunch so I need to straighten up just a bit and vacuum up the worst of the mess. Drove to Gateau bakery for some good coffee cakes and bread. Then Peter called to say he was almost at the new house in London to meet the builder and kitchen designer so they could take measurements.

My eyes have been hurting all day. I wonder if chemo can affect the eyesight? I just googled and yes it can. OK, put that on the list of things to ask the doctor tomorrow. I hope my chemo brain remembers.

Clara came over just in time for lunch and I made fettuccine alfredo. Yum. I am really starting to like it. We laughed and ate and laughed some more. I really appreciate that you came over today Clara. It gave me energy! THANKS CLARA.

I was going to relax but I looked out the window and saw the two neighbors from across the street having a chat. I had to join in and ended up taking a walk with Gunilla after we had stood on the street and chatted. I am going to miss that in London.

Then it was a half hour of rest before it was time to take my oldest to an open house at a game design college here in Stockholm. There was tons of traffic and we just made it in time. Then it was two hours of listening to them talk. (sometimes interesting) and then a long drive to go and get Sophie from Farmors house. I was exhausted by the time we got there and was saved when Eva gave me some toast sandwiches so I would survive and have enough strength for the drive home.

Now the kids are in bed but not sleeping but I am too tired to care tonight. Peter is on his way home and arrives in the middle of the night.

Tomorrow it is up early to go to the hospital for the CT-Scan to see if the cancer is gone. I don't think it looks like it is totally gone so I am a little nervous. I won't get any results until the doctor visit until next Tuesday so the waiting will also be painful.

I am humbled when I look at the blog statistics and see that there has been over 15 000 page views. That is amazing and I am most grateful because the energy I get from others is what keeps me going.

ANXIOUS. LOVED. FEARFUL. HUMBLED. KICKING SOME BUTT. FRIENDS. FAMILY.

Kaknästornet

2014.04.15

Awake early. Showered and took out the shot from the fridge to warm it up. I gave the shot to myself today and survived. I chatted with a few friends and got the day off on a positive note.

I had some breakfast with my youngest and then I felt tired so I went back to bed for an hour. The boys continued to sleep too. I woke up and it was time to get ready to drive into the city. Today I was paying a visit to the school I work at to spend some time with the teachers and for all of us to eat lunch at Kaknästornet.

It was good to be back in the school. It was great to see and talk with everyone. It was fun to eat at Kaknästornet. It was over 25 years since I was there last, which was during my first visit to Stockholm. Today the view was fantastic and it gave me a new perspective on life.

We walked from the school to the Kaknästornet and back and I felt that a slow pace was needed or I was out of breath. That is the strangest experience to all of a sudden be out of breath and sometimes a bit scary. I will just have to pace myself.

I made it home but I was tired. I took a nap for 1,5 hours and then it was time to think about food for the kids and myself. OK, I broke down and took them to McDonalds. They enjoyed it. I could have passed on the food.

 While we were out eating I got a message from Annica and we decided to go for a short walk. Excellent. Even though I am tired I know that taking walks is good for me. It was great to be out walking and talking. Thanks Annica.

Did I get anything constructive done today??? YES. I spoke with the pet transport company to arrange for Sophie's move to the UK. I spoke with the builder and the kitchen consultant for the new house. I spoke with the data retrieval company and my data was saved to about 98%. Good News.

A long day made enjoyable by spending it with colleagues and friends and the beautiful sunshine in Stockholm today.

PERSPECTIVE. LOVED. FRIENDS. KICKING ASS. FAMILY. 

A day of just enough....?????

2014.04.14

Why do I have an alarm clock when I wake up before it rings?  Up and got my shot out of the refrigerator to warm it up to room temperature for a half hour. Took my pill. Walked Sophie in the fresh morning air. Linda came over and gave me my jab. It is good that she does it so I know it is done right.

Then it was just get back into bed and try to relax. Not so easy when the mind is working overtime and the body is tired. I got some morning texts from friends who encouraged me to stay in bed a while longer. I did just that as long as I could. (only about an hour more)

Then it was up and shower and try and rouse the boys from their mid-morning slumber. Not much luck. Right after lunch I drove to a place on the other side of town to finally leave my broken hard drive in to see if they can recover my photos at all. Drove home and rested when I got home cause the driving was tiring especially sitting in traffic on the way there.

Made easy dinner for the boys and myself and then drove and dropped Sophie off at Farmors for a few days.

Today I have sent a few e-mails and tried to get some work done. Not as much as I had hoped, but I did as much as I could. That will have to be the new routine until my strength is back.

They called from the data recovery company and it looks like they can recover the data. It will cost an arm and two legs but it is money well spent and lesson learned. DOUBLE BACK UP will happen when the pictures are back. Good News!

I am totally grossed out by the central line that was operated into me. It feels weird both physically and mentally knowing that something has been put into my body. I think I am a bit nervous to see what it looks like under the bandages. I need to take them off tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I totally wanted the line to be put in because I want to save my arms from all the chemo coursing through the veins. I did not think further than that. I am a wimp when it comes to stuff like this. But, I am sure that these feelings will pass..................

OK, wasting time now watching the Hasselhof, Swedish talk show. OMG. OMG. Really?

RELAX. RELAX. RELAX. BREATHE. KICK CANCER IN THE ASS. BREATHE. RELAX.