GET PERSONAL

Friday, November 14, 2014

The new me is changing for the better. 

I am working on one thing at a time 

(more than one thing and it hurts my chemo brain.)

The move to London is a chance for a fresh start and to get my life back on track.  I already knew when I moved here that I would get a personal shopper (ended up getting two for the price of one). I had an amazing day with Claudia and Michele from Partners in Style and bought just the right amount of clothes and shoes to make a difference. (www.partnersinstyle.co.uk) Quality was amazing. It also gave me some more self-confidence because all my friends here have noticed and liked my clothes. Never hurts to get a compliment....... If anyone has asked I have willingly and gladly told them where I bought it and that Claudia and Michele were the reason I even tried it on. I can say that I would have never tried any of these things on if I had been by myself. I am thankful for Claudia and Michele.

I got great new clothes but I still had the goal of decreasing my body size. I am happy in my body but wanted it to be more shapely. (translated: lose all those kilos that the pregnancies and excess eating had left on me)

I need to be fit and healthy. I want to end this year on a positive note. My goal was to have a personal trainer to kick my butt and get me moving. I made an appointment at a GYM. I mentioned to some of the other moms about this appointment. One mom (and friend) Avery said you can't go to that gym you have to meet Ben at G14. (www.g14.co.uk)

Well, little did I know it would be just what I needed and that it was my lucky day when I got to meet Ben.  THANKS AVERY for making Ben see me.:)

I started in October with a consultation and then I was told - ok we work on your nutrition and eating habits for the first month. WHAT? I wanted to get in to the gym and start losing that body fat from Day 1.

Luckily, I am focused and have been through much harder things these past nine months that eating healthy food and getting it right has not been the hard part. I am amazed that I could go from eating mostly just processed foods (junk) to eating vegetables, meat and the right carbs. Now it is a lifestyle. I am still learning but I am on board with healthy eating.

After almost a month, I am allowed in to where all the workout machines are set up. The anxiety before the first workout with Ben was intense. Crap, now I really have to put my money where my mouth is and do some hard work. How hard can it be?   Well, it was scary to see such a low level of conditioning in my body. I have, in effect, been sedentary for more than 15 years.

Very pleased with my new shoes.

I survived the first workout and then went on to do workout nr 2 and 3 on my own. (and nrs. 5 and 6 too) YES, I need to push myself harder but, hell I have gone through chemo so this is easy compared to that.

Once a week I meet Ben and he changes my workout and makes it harder just after I have gotten used to the previous one. THANKS BEN.  He adds weights, changes the number of reps and then teaches me new exercises so I am totally confused in my chemo brain. He does it with a smile on his face and a wink here and there so that I find the will and energy to push myself.

I see progress because I can bike longer with a higher intensity and I don't feel like I am going to pass out like I did the first day.

Always have one of these in my hand.

My problem is still my lack of patience with results. I want everything to happen yesterday but I am realizing that I need to savour this journey and that results will come in their due time.

Each workout by myself is 60 minutes of cardio and weights. I put on the headphones and take the best songs from my Teresa's Kick Ass playlist from the chemo days and get into the zone. as I follow Ben's instruction sheet. The first workout by myself was hard work. It was harder than I thought it could be. I got through it and felt the sense of accomplishment.

I had also accumulated a massive amount of points from my heart monitor. The monitor tracks how long I am in each zone of heart rate and you get points for each interval. The harder you work the more points you get. My competitive nature sets in and for the last workout I did an extra 2 minutes on the bike just so I could break 200 points. The monitor gives you feedback on your workout via an email after the workout is done.

I am more than 6 weeks into this new phase of my life. I have more energy. The pain in my joints has lessened a bit. I can walk further without getting out of breath. I sleep better. I have a longer attention span and can read books again.

I still have bad balance, crappy nails, curly chemo hair and super curly chemo hair when its humid and a central line still in my body.

I have great friends and family. I have Ben as my PT. I still have the guy from the Crepe restaurant waving like crazy at me every time I walk by. I have torrential downpours in the morning on the way to school. I have the sun shining in a big blue sky in the afternoon as I go to pick the kids up. I have meat, potatoes and vegetables for dinner with water. I have new workout clothes because I didn't have any before. I am enjoying every minute of life!

The sun shiniing through after the rain

Yum YUM YUM

I am one of the members of the G14 fan club. I am very impressed with Ben who manages to make me give it my all, who challenges me and who can see the bigger picture even though I don't always see it myself. He puts up with my chemo brain and repeats himself when I ask the same question more than twice.

My goal is to end this year on a positive note. It's looking good so far.

GRATEFUL. PERSONAL TRAINERS ROCK. LOVED. KICK ASS. CARDIO. PERSONAL SHOPPERS ROCK. ACHIEVE MORE. GET PERSONAL.

90% of mass decreased

2014.04.22

Awoke at 5:45 am when the alarm went off but I didn't fall asleep until 2 am so a bit out of sorts when I woke up.

I got ready to go. We got the kids up and told them they needed to leave the house at the right time to get to school as we had to leave earlier to get the lab in time. They did it.

We arrived at the hospital and I got ticket number 1 for the lab. Good- the results would be done by the time we met the doctor. The lab nurse took my blood and sent it off for analysis. Now we had to wait two hours until the doctors appointment. I had forgotten to eat breakfast so I ordered 3 Swedish pancakes and ate them with no problem at all. Then Peter and I went up to the Hematology waiting room which is usually much calmer. We passed the time and then it was our turn. The doctor was a new one for us. It is the third doctor I have had appointments with.

We came into his office and sat down. I let him tell us about the results of the cat scan. I had been counting on it being 100% gone and anything less was going to be a disappointment. The mass has decreased by 90% in terms of area. That is good. My blood results were great! We talked about the next three treatments and then what tests will be done at the end to make sure that it is gone. The tests will be a pet scan and a cat scan. And I told him I want the central line taken out too. All of this should be done before we go to the USA on Midsummer weekend. I will do my part to make sure it happens.

Home again to eat some leftovers. Peter started working again and I sat on the chair and watched/slept through a TV show or two. By the time the kids came home we had made a few plans for the London house and this house in preparation for the move.

Dinner was easy and then Peter headed off to the dump to get rid of some of the junk we have accumulated.

Now it is chocolate chip cookie making so the nurses are happy tomorrow. My two youngest helped this time with the baking. (I think it is because they like licking the bowl after)

Wow, no line at the dump, Peter is back already! The smell of the cookies is filling the house. I think I have done enough for today.

Tomorrow it starts all over again. Only 3 more times. I am halfway there. Why am I so tired? Physically I can handle it, it is the mental part that is worrying........but I will handle it thanks to my family and friends.

LOVED. 90%. REAL GONE. CHEMO. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FRIENDS. FAMILY.

Melancholy Monday

2014.04.21

Awoke at 5:30 am, got up and visited the little girl's room and then fell asleep until 8:45 am. Not bad. Some of my friends were worried when they hadn't heard from me in the morning. Took my pills, ate some breakfast and then tried to watch some TV.

The kids got up in time for lunch. I had made myself two eggs and some bacon for a mid morning snack. The day felt long already by 1 pm. I didn't feel tired but I just didn't have any energy to do anything today.

Peter changed the tires on both cars, we chatted with the neighbors and I sat on the front lawn enjoying the sun and throwing the Frisbee for Sophie to catch. She enjoyed being out in the sun too. We had brought out the outdoor furniture and I saw that they needed to be oiled. It was on my list of things to do.

I am nervous for the results of the cat scan test tomorrow when I go to the doctors. It is what it is but in the times of letting my mind wander it sure does wonder how it will turn out.......

So, I decided that I felt like eating out tonight but as this is Sweden and it is the day after Easter, the stores were closing at 6 pm and the restaurants at 7 pm in Täby Centrum. So at 5 pm it was a quick dash to Vapianos for some Italian food. It is now painful to eat most foods. My mouth is sore and hard to open so I eat slowly and try to ignore the discomfort. But my hungry stomach usually convinces my head and mouth to go along with this torture....

It was pasta, cappuccino and even a little Tiramasu. When we got home I had some energy and the setting sun was warm and inviting so I decided to oil the chairs and the table. I spent almost an hour to oil in the 10 chairs and the long table. I needed to do it and I am only going to get weaker, so today was the day. It felt good to get something done today.

Friends and family checked in on me today and that always feel good. It lets me know that they care and that I am loved. And the reminders usually come just when I need them.......

Big day tomorrow for blood work and cat scan test results at the doctor. Up early tomorrow to be there in time. Gotta write down my list of questions for the doctor.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. KICKING SOME ASS. FAMILY. HALFWAY.

Checking things off my list

2014.04.08

Woke up before the alarm and went out with the dog. It is her birthday today. She turned 5. She is the best dog in the world. She actually smelled the cancer in me a few weeks before I found out. She had changed her behaviour towards me and I even joked to my husband that something was up because she was so different towards me. Amazing what a keen sense of smell dogs have! Apparently cancer gives off a smell that the dogs can detect. Anyway, Sophie is the best dog ever and fits right in our family.

One of the things I do best is make lists and execute them. Today I checked many things off my mental list and it felt satisfying.

• talked with UK banks about mortgage deals. check
• talked with estate agent about finalizing house purchase check
• talked with solicitor to agree to house contract details check
• emailed the different builders with spec. list check
• talked with relocation firm to agree on moving/packing date check
• made chocolate chip cookies for the chemo nurses for tomorrow check
• helped Marcus make LEGO sugar cookies for school bake sale check
• did some laundry check

Peter is on his way home. I have spent the day busy doing essential things but maybe not all the stuff I should have done. But I can only do so much each day. I need to use my energy wisely. This means that the closer we get to the move, the more I throw out or give away. I want to travel light when we move.

Now it is time to prepare for tomorrow. Surgery to put in the central line and then check

Just need to decide what t-shirt to wear.......

My day was punctuated with many calls, texts and messages from my friends and family saying that they are thinking of me. THANKS It gives me ENERGY. My kids giving hugs and rubbing my Buddha bald head also give me ENERGY.

LOVED. FRIENDS. ENERGY. LIST. CHECK. COOKIES. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. 

Good News......

2014.03.24

What? I got to sleep in until 5:56 a.m. I am lucky. Then it was time to get the day going.

I hopped in the shower and as I started to wash my hair.............yes, it started falling out. My hair is so thick that I have a lot so it was more hair strands than usual that were in my hands. Even though I knew it was coming, this will be a challenge to handle this mentally. I blow dried my hair lightly just to get the damp out. Then when I started to put the styling gel in......my hands had a lot of hair stuck to them. OK, so how long will I hold out until I shave it?????????


I do find it fascinating that the if I grab a chunk of hair and pull gently it comes right out and doesn't hurt at all. The average head has about 100, 000 strands of hair, so it would take me about 16,000 pulls to get my hair out at the rate I was going today.......   (ok, just an unnecessary calculation on my part)

I continued with my morning routine, FB chats and we got the kids to school and went right to the hospital for the lab tests and the doctors appointment. The lab male nurse had no personality at all. He said 5 words during the short process and left a blue mark on my good arm which will be hooked up for chemo tomorrow. (Thank God my chemo nurse is excellent at putting the needle in my arm.)

The appointment with the doctor was about 2 hours after the lab so we hung out in a waiting room. During that time I went through the blog and wrote down all the quotes in my journal so I could have them saved all in one place. It will be comforting to read them tomorrow sitting in that hospital bed. The other thing I did was to deliver the chocolate chip cookies. I went to see the nurse and saw that she was out of the office until next week so I went into the other nurse who had helped us last time. I said Annika, it is your lucky day because Therese is not here. I made her some cookies but you will have to eat them instead. She was overjoyed. Even the doctor wanted a cookie.

The doctor came out and called my name. Peter and I followed him to his office. It was all good news. He liked my t-shirt.

The blood tests were excellent so I am ready for chemo tomorrow. He said the tumor had pretty much disappeared compared to how big it was when we started. And it means that the blood thinning shot every morning can be discontinued after tomorrow mornings shot. YIPPEE. He said I could stop taking another pill. It was confirmed that I have Stage 1a. Which is also good news. I am probably going to only need 6 cycles to get rid of this cancer instead of 8 cycles. Even more good news. So we were relieved. Finally.

We came home happy and ate some leftovers for lunch and then I took care of some of the loose ends with my company before I took a short nap before dinner. Time for dinner and some more leftovers...(thank god we have eaten all of them now). FOOD.

Time then for me, accompanied by my dad, to drive Peter to the airport for his work week in London and drop off the dog at the in-laws before stopping at the supermarket to get some food to make sandwiches for our fun day at the hospital tomorrow.

Now it is try to sleep and be rested for tomorrows event of hanging out in bed getting some drugs pumped into me to kill and kick this cancer's ass.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. RELIEVED. HAPPY. LIFE. KICK CANCER'S ASS

Preparing for Battle

2014.03.09

Last night was great at Petra and Martin's house. Great food, great company and many, many laughs. I really, really don't like pictures being taken of me, so for me to take a selfie now is a big deal. I enclosed a silly one of Petra and I a bit further down to remember that life is short and we need to enjoy it while we are alive.

Petra and I 

 It was hard to fall asleep when we got home. The tumor has grown and when I move my arm up or down it pushes against my trachea and causes quite a bit of discomfort. I finally fell asleep. Rest. My eyes opened at 5 am. I look at the clock and will myself back to sleep - no luck. I see that my sister-in-law is still awake, so a quick message and we decide to skype. Awesome to talk to Nicole.

Preparing for battle entails gathering the right weapons and having a strategy on how to defeat the enemy. (damn CANCER) The information received from the Hematology department at KS describes a bit of the possible side effects and what items can help with alleviating them. A trip to the pharmacy was made to buy special toothpaste, special mouthwash, stuff to make sure I am producing enough saliva and some lotion to rub on my head once all of the hair has gone down the drain. All of those items are now sitting on my war office desk right next to all the medications that will need to be taken each day.

CHECKLIST for BATTLE:

• Chemotherapy R-CHOP-14 at the hospital on Monday, March 10, 2014
• Drugs to protect my kidneys
• Drugs to stimulate production of healthy white blood cells
• Drugs to help against nausea
• Drugs to protect against lung inflammation
• Essentials to protect against mouth sores and dry mouth (stop infections getting in)
• Cortisone to help against swelling from the chemo drugs R-CHOP
• My Kicking Cancer's Ass book with questions to the doctors/nurses
• Support from family and friends
• Haircut with attitude

OK, I am ready for battle. (and it is not even lunch time yet.)

Eva and Kenneth came over with some beautiful flowers and then they took Sophie with them home so she didn't have to be alone tomorrow while we are at the hospital. THANKS Eva and Kenneth.

At 1 pm it was finally time for a nap after being awake since 5 am. I set the alarm for an hour. Just one minute before the alarm goes off my phone rings and its Mia. Yes, I would love to go for a walk in this lovely weather. THANKS MIA.

Right after Mia leaves there is a knock on the door. It is Alice from the neighborhood association of which her and I both sit on the Board. Alice comes with beautiful flowers and words of inspiration over a cup of tea. THANKS ALICE.

Dinner was my favorite of fillet Mignon in a red tomato sauce with leeks served over pasta together with a side of baby asparagus sauteed in oil and Italian bread crumbs. DELICIOUS

Now final preparations are made. I am amazed at how ready I am for the chemo to start and what a journey I have made mentally in just 18 days to get here. UNBELIEVABLE.

TIME FOR SOME KICKING CANCER'S ASS tomorrow with the first round of CHEMO.

LOVED. BATTLE. SUPPORT. FRIENDS. CHEMO. FAMILY. KICK ASS. BRAVE. 

Walking on Sunshine

2014.03.08

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY.

Open my tired eyes at 7 am today, the dog sat up from her bed on the floor next to ours and was hopeful. I just looked at her and she laid down again. I need to keep to the routine of checking who else is awake on FB. I was not disappointed. Nikki and Carla woke my fingers up and all their "pinging" responses woke Peter up. (Then he could go out with the dog, my master plan, and it worked.)

Quickest shower ever and getting ready so I could get my daily jab from Linda. THANKS LINDA. Then a breakfast of toast, juice and a banana. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing. I needed to get bundled up for my walk with Dale.

I arrived at Dale's house near Rönningesjö at 10 am. The sun is shining even brighter and not a cloud in sight. We set out on a 7 kilometer walk around the lake. Luckily for both of us, about halfway through we come to Rönningeby. Many friends have talked about it on FB but I had never been before.  We were overjoyed that the cafe was open and was serving their famous waffles. What a treat to enjoy them without sharing with our kids. We were feeling luxurious and ordered the ones with cloudberry jam. DELICIOUS

The waffles gave us the energy we needed to complete our stroll around the lake. The shining sun and brisk winds kept us moving at a good pace. The sights along the way from a beaver's handiwork to a fresh water spring to drink from just added to the sense of peace and near normalcy. I take each day as it comes and enjoy the moment- especially when the sun which has been hiding behind the clouds for so long has finally shown itself. GLORIOUS

Busy Beavers

More than 3 hours after we started our walk I leave Dale's house and head home. THANKS DALE.

Felt excellent to take a little nap and fall asleep listening to my KICK ASS play list. A few hours of rest during the day keeps me going. I realize that I need to build up all the energy I can because Monday's chemo will drain me if I let it.

After my nap it is time for a snack. Peter cooked us up a piece of fillet Mignon and a little salad. Boy, am I lucky or what?

Tonight there will be tons of laughing when we are at Petra and Martin's house for dinner. Always a good time and good food with good friends. I can't wait. LOVED with LAUGHS

STILL READY FOR CHEMO ON MONDAY.  I will start my short career as a druggie. Alas, these drugs will fullfil the purpose of evicting those cancer cells that chose the wrong place to hang out. FUCK CANCER.

SUNSHINE. LOVED. LAUGHS. FRIENDS. EXERCISE.

Pretty normal Saturday....

2014.03.01

Yea. I slept through the whole night. It felt good to wake up at 6:45 am and feel well rested under the circumstances. I texted my "private nurse" across the street that she could come over and jab me with that needle when she woke up! I passed the time checking in and chatting with my friends and family over there. Inspiring messages all the time. I need them to keep me going.

Thank you EMMA, my smart and caring goddaughter!!!!!!!!

My nurse had a bit of a sleep-in but came over and gladly jabbed me once she was awake.

Most of our personal belongings are still in the storage units because we had moved everything out to "style" and sell the house. There is less furniture and junk around and I am going to try and keep our bedroom as a free zone from moving boxes and piles of papers. It makes me also realize that most of the stuff in storage is not really needed in the big scheme of things.

I had energy and had to use it so we quick-cleaned and sorted for about an hour around the house. Peter needed to rest after that, he is tired. It is probably from those two glasses of wine he had last night......

The whole showering routine is annoying and more time consuming but it should only last a week until the stitches dissolve or get removed. Also I will have less hair by then so it will be easier to wash and no need to dry it!!!!!!!!

Today's big excursion was to meet friends from Helsingborg at the Wiener Cafeet. Good thing they had booked a table. We got there and were seated next to Christer Fugelsång, the Swedish Astronaut. That was cool! We ordered sandwiches and saved room for dessert. It was a great time with Maria, Gey and Louise. It was moving when I got to see the new FxxK Cancer bracelets and guardian angel bracelets that they were wearing for me. I am honored!

Gey, Louise, Me, Peter and Maria at Wiener Caféet

My siblings had been busy today sending me best wishes and pictures from when I was younger and cuter.......Those were the days. THANKS.

My sister (on the right) and I admiring the Thanksgiving Turkey sometime in the 1970's.

It feels good to have had a semi-normal Saturday but it still is lurking there in the shadows all the shit that this next week will bring. One day at a time is one day closer to the end of this ordeal. Good thing I have the next three days planned with activities that will give me energy to Kick Some Ass!

BIOSPY successfully completed

2014.02.27

Banging on the front door at 1 am woke me up. It was Peter announcing his arrival from London. I was  not in the mood for any small talk, I let him in, said hello and got back into bed. A few more hours of cherished sleep.

My iphone is my lifeline. It has easy access to FB where some of my friends send me messages, others who send text messages and then the others who call my direct line. It also has my music with Teresa's Kick Ass playlist, my favorite movies and some games in that rare instance I get bored. It has the Internet in case I need to google something. It is my alarm clock and my camera. It keeps me connected.  It fits in my pocket. I am thankful for my iphone.

So, as usual I reach for my iphone to turn off the alarm and Nikki F. sees I am online. She is my pep talker and cheerleader texting all those things I need to hear and makes me laugh. Grazzi habib. Grateful!!! 

The clock today is ticking because there are no liquids allowed for me after 7:30 am. A quick shower and thinking why am I even washing my hair when it will be cut in a few days into a cool easy style a la PINK? Hurry to the kitchen for some of that now favorite apple juice for some energy. It goes down easy. Better mix a glass of water in between the next big glass of apple juice again. I have this energy flowing through me and know that a quick paced walk with my lifeline and headphones will do the trick.

Coat on, shoes on, headphones in and put on all the fast paced songs for 20 minutes of walking.  "I can do this! I can do this! It's not so bad" ran through my head intermingled with the words from the songs like 'Dance Your Tears Away'  Felt good!!!!!   It was a bit of a pain though when I came back and realized I couldn't quench my thirst. Oh well.....

Winter break week in Stockholm means hardly any cars out on the road so we were at the hospital way too early! Typical, but I really wanted to get it over and done with even though I had flashes of those thoughts like what happens if the anesthesiologist makes a mistake and I don't wake up. It would be worse for those left behind. I have a lot to live for and luckily those thoughts vanished as quickly as they flashed through my head.

Checked in, got a bed, a "stylish" nightgown (as Peter noted) and a needle or a line put into my arm. Did not feel a thing with that needle. Best nurse ever. All ready-------for a two and a half hour wait-------before they took me in at 12:30.

Peter passing the time in the morning.

Down in the pre-op I met the doctor and the anesthesiologist and they explained the procedures to me. I asked the doctor if he could take a big piece out so it would be easier to get rid of with chemo. He said  "that is not how to cure this cancer. It must be treated with chemo and besides the tumor has grown very close to the carotid artery and behind muscles in your  neck, so that would make it too risky of a procedure."

Then I met the nurses who were going to prep me for the operation and I took the opportunity to ask them a question. "When the doctor has me open and has exposed the cancer can someone in there take a picture so I can see what this cancer looks like? Do you want to borrow my iphone?" It is so I could see what I was fighting. What would cancer look like?  They said they would ask when they saw the doctor.

The operating room had a bunch of people who all introduced themselves to me. I asked if there was going to be a test on the introductions when I was done. Ha ha, they said maybe. They were all nice and went about their business. The anesthesiologist came in and then I breathed in and took a "nap " for about an hour.

Next memory is jolting upright in bed, hearing my name and starting to cough so the stitches bled a little through the bandage. WATER, WATER, WATER. They only gave me a little. The tube had irritated my throat, but within a half hour I had had a few small glasses of water and an extra shot of morphine. Feeling good!!!!!  As soon as I could I put my headphones in my ear for some kick ass music. I did a quick check on FB and my youngest brother Dan, wanted to know how I was. I'm in post op and OK. He answered "put down the phone you are in a hospital bed".

The doctor came in and gave me a summary. The lymph nodes are 10 times bigger then they should be and resemble a cluster of ripe grapes but when he removed the piece it was like the inside of a cinnamon bun in consistency. He said a picture is not what I am fighting so he didn't take one. (It would have been cool to see I think, but alas he is right)

Later I was moved to a regular floor for follow-up care. Started with vanilla ice cream and then I had some sandwiches. Tired and my neck is starting to hurt.  We realized we would be getting home later than expected so a quick call to Anna, neighbor and friend resulted in three pizzas delivered to the boys for dinner. Thanks Anna!

Peter passing the time in post-op.

The nurse has given me some morphine pills for tonight and tomorrow. By 7:00 pm Peter was (hungry) and ready to go home after so many hours in the hospital and asked me if I was ready go. Of course, honey, let's go!

As we pulled into our driveway and get out of the car,  we are greeted by our neighbors Linda och Bosse from across the street who were wondering how everything went and worrying why it took us so long. It felt good to laugh and talk about the day in the fresh cold evening air.

It feels OK and more confident now in my head as compared to just a week ago when I got the diagnosis. (which was a little like WTF)  I know the low times will come but I need to hold onto this good feeling as long as I can. It is made easier by all my friends who care. LOVED.

LAUGH. LAUGH. LAUGH.

Tomorrow is Peter's birthday. Eric is making him breakfast in bed. Hope I get some too.