Still in REMISSION

2015.01.30

Yes, my updates have been worse than sporadic. I agree. Just when I thought I could sit down and unload all that has been accumulating in my brain.......my mac dies. I have ordered another one but the delivery is not until next week. So, this post is via my son's borrowed mac. (although I didn't get his password)

Stockholm is so peaceful in the winter.

January is coming to a close and I have done tons of stuff and at the same time not many of those things that I should have done.  Always room for improvement.

I have been more aware and tried to really live in the moment. I do see an improvement from last year. (still have some side effects that are a drag but learning to live with them.)

Time with friends and family is like taking a medicine to make me feel better. That is really the best medicine for me. Suffice to say that I have been taking a lot of "medicine" this month.

Last week it was time for my 6 month check-up with the requisite blood work beforehand. This was followed the next day with the operation to remove the implantable port. I have been preoccupied with other things and not so focused as I was last time so my anxiety and stress level was much lower. I was almost calm. I have kicked cancer's butt before - worst case I could do it again........

I arrived in Sweden a few days before my appointment so I could go to Charlotte's 40th birthday party. The day of the party I got up late and lounged around the house (in my pj's) all day until it was time to leave for the party. It has been a while since I've done that. It felt GREAT.

Such a fun party. A great time dancing, eating and spending time with good friends. I am so lucky to have so many people that were supporting me and so happy that it was now a happy occasion for us to get to together. GRATEFUL.

I met up with some of my other friends and spent quality time just living in the here and now. THANKS SARA, STINA, and MIA.

It is a dilemma of how to visit everyone that I miss. It will be hard. I need a solution.

Monday morning and I needed to head to the hospital early to leave blood. On my way there, I call Anna and find out that her daughter had just been diagnosed with diabetes two days earlier and was at the same hospital I was going to. So we meet up quickly and I give hugs and words of encouragement. They have a great children's diabetes center at that hospital.

Then it was time for my appointment with Dr. Claes. Everything looked great. It was a relief. I thanked him profusely for all that he had done. It felt good but also a little surreal. This is the calmest I have ever been. Now it was time to celebrate.

Yippie!

On my way to Sara's house I picked up a Princess Cake which is my favorite type of Swedish cake. I got to spend time with Sara and her family and meet her newborn son who is the cutest.

 

The next day was the day I was most anxious about. Removing the implantable port with just local anesthesia. What better way to spend the time until the afternoon appointment than to visit SOUL and get my massive amount of curly hair cut and then to have lunch with Mia.

Chemo curls have made my hair extremely curly. Hair product has been necessary since October to keep it in place. I reached the decision to cut it and let it grow back when my oldest son called me Einstein about two weeks ago. You all know which picture I am talking about:

Before the haircut: Einstein

Before the haircut: me

Me after the haircut.

It was great to see Ulrica and Sophie again. It is such a warm and loving feeling at SOUL. THANKS ULRICA for squeezing me in on such short notice. GRATEFUL.

Lunch with Mia after was Indian food and then a walk for me in the cold weather of Stockholm to finally get this thing out of me.

So many emotions as I sat in the waiting room. It is overwhelming. Anxious. Determined to keep the implantable port once it is out of me. Shock at a "no" answer to keeping it. Crying. Disbelief. All alone. Determination. Inevitable removal. Headphones in with "Brave" by Sara Bareilles on repeat. EYES CLOSED. Three needles. Time to begin says the doctor. Focused. Sad. Tears streaming out of my eyes non-stop. Too much emotion. Nurse rubbing my arm. Time passing by too slowly. Weird sensations of pressure but no pain except for the emotional release of all that has happened. OK, just sewing up the vein now before he sews up the rest, says the nurse. "crap, my vein was opened?" goes through my head but not out my mouth. Surreal. Finally finished. Said my peace about why it was important for me to have it. NOPE, there are laws to be followed. OK. Good to go. Time to drive to Mia's house. I survived. GRATEFUL.

This is an implantable port. That tube was in my artery.

About the size of a silver dollar and
as high as a piece of LEGO.
In the center is where the needle for the chemo went.

I thankfully spent the night at Mia's house and as usual enjoyed a great dinner and fantastic company. HAPPY. THANKS MIA.

The next morning it was a quick visit to my mother in law before I headed to the airport. That was fun to pull and hold my luggage with just my right side so I wouldn't rip the stitches. 

Sad to leave Sweden but oh so happy to get back to London. The new life that is starting to take shape here is so exciting. The possibilities are endless.

I am eating well, exercising, trying to figure out why I am not losing weight, still motivated and just got the latest activity tracker that is perfect for me. It is called the Fitbit ChargeHR and I love it. It has a heart rate monitor, counts my steps, lets me track my sleep patterns, food intake and exercise and it looks good on my arm too. So psyched to challenge myself. (and any others that are up for a challenge)

Number of steps I have taken today...

GRATEFUL for the fabulous friends I have made here. They are amazing. Overwhelmed with gratitude. 

KICKED CANCER'S ASS. REMISSION. 

GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. 

BRAVE. STITCHES. 

NEW ME. NEW LIFE.

"I LOVE LUCY"

2014.03.21

Happy 1st Day of Spring!

It was a windy evening and morning with our wind chime playing incessantly the whole time.
Awoke at 5:30 a.m. after having been awake between 1:30 and 2:00 a.m. so it was time to get up and go out with Sophie. I had a bit of a headache and fixed that with some drugs.

I spent my time in the wee hours chatting with my sister-in-law Nicole. She sent me a copy of the paper my 10 year old nephew Jackson wrote about Bravery. He better get an "A" from his teacher because it was good and it was about all the things that he could do if he was brave. He would start by getting on a plane to come and see me. I am looking forward to that. BRAVE

One of my favorite scenes from I Love Lucy.

After my pills, morning jab and getting the kids off to school, I went for a walk with Annica. It was a brisk walk and we talked and laughed which felt good. THANKS ANNICA. Of course a nap was needed after the walk, especially because I have been sleeping a lot less than I am used to. It was only about an hour but it was what I needed.

Right after lunch it was time for my dad and I to head to the Apple store to try and rescue my external hard drive. They took a look at it and tested it but because it is not an Apple product I have to drop it off at another place tomorrow. We got some food shopping done and came home to find my mom finishing up making two different soups. It was potato soup or a french onion soup that was on the menu.

I read an interesting article today in the USA Today about LAUGHING. Here is an excerpt:

True laughter is unique to humans. Babies begin to smile at two months old and laugh around four months old. Laughter is built in for a reason - it's good for us. The areas of the brain that produce dopamine, endorphins and growth hormone are all stimulated by laughter.

Dopamine is the "happiness" hormone and its release, as anyone who's been rendered hysterical by something really funny can attest, can make you fell euphoric. Laughing also releases stress, eases tension, decreases blood pressure and bolsters the immune system.

My Mom brought me a season of I LOVE LUCY and I have watched some classic episodes today which resulted in a lot of laughing.

Dinner was served when Peter arrived home from London.  FAMILY

It was quite warm today and all the snow from two days ago has melted and is gone. Now the spring flowers are blooming again in the garden and Spring is on its way. 

LOVED. BRAVE. FAMILY. LAUGHING. KICKING CANCER'S ASS.

Preparing for Battle

2014.03.09

Last night was great at Petra and Martin's house. Great food, great company and many, many laughs. I really, really don't like pictures being taken of me, so for me to take a selfie now is a big deal. I enclosed a silly one of Petra and I a bit further down to remember that life is short and we need to enjoy it while we are alive.

Petra and I 

 It was hard to fall asleep when we got home. The tumor has grown and when I move my arm up or down it pushes against my trachea and causes quite a bit of discomfort. I finally fell asleep. Rest. My eyes opened at 5 am. I look at the clock and will myself back to sleep - no luck. I see that my sister-in-law is still awake, so a quick message and we decide to skype. Awesome to talk to Nicole.

Preparing for battle entails gathering the right weapons and having a strategy on how to defeat the enemy. (damn CANCER) The information received from the Hematology department at KS describes a bit of the possible side effects and what items can help with alleviating them. A trip to the pharmacy was made to buy special toothpaste, special mouthwash, stuff to make sure I am producing enough saliva and some lotion to rub on my head once all of the hair has gone down the drain. All of those items are now sitting on my war office desk right next to all the medications that will need to be taken each day.

CHECKLIST for BATTLE:

• Chemotherapy R-CHOP-14 at the hospital on Monday, March 10, 2014
• Drugs to protect my kidneys
• Drugs to stimulate production of healthy white blood cells
• Drugs to help against nausea
• Drugs to protect against lung inflammation
• Essentials to protect against mouth sores and dry mouth (stop infections getting in)
• Cortisone to help against swelling from the chemo drugs R-CHOP
• My Kicking Cancer's Ass book with questions to the doctors/nurses
• Support from family and friends
• Haircut with attitude

OK, I am ready for battle. (and it is not even lunch time yet.)

Eva and Kenneth came over with some beautiful flowers and then they took Sophie with them home so she didn't have to be alone tomorrow while we are at the hospital. THANKS Eva and Kenneth.

At 1 pm it was finally time for a nap after being awake since 5 am. I set the alarm for an hour. Just one minute before the alarm goes off my phone rings and its Mia. Yes, I would love to go for a walk in this lovely weather. THANKS MIA.

Right after Mia leaves there is a knock on the door. It is Alice from the neighborhood association of which her and I both sit on the Board. Alice comes with beautiful flowers and words of inspiration over a cup of tea. THANKS ALICE.

Dinner was my favorite of fillet Mignon in a red tomato sauce with leeks served over pasta together with a side of baby asparagus sauteed in oil and Italian bread crumbs. DELICIOUS

Now final preparations are made. I am amazed at how ready I am for the chemo to start and what a journey I have made mentally in just 18 days to get here. UNBELIEVABLE.

TIME FOR SOME KICKING CANCER'S ASS tomorrow with the first round of CHEMO.

LOVED. BATTLE. SUPPORT. FRIENDS. CHEMO. FAMILY. KICK ASS. BRAVE. 

Apple juice anyone?

2014.02.26

Too much apple juice? After yesterdays CT scan I was told to drink lots of liquids for the next 2 days to get all that dye out of my body or it could be dangerous. (as if I am not in any danger right now anyway....) So, there has been a lot of apple juice consumed in the past 24 hours. I never really drank any juice before it was mostly coca-cola. Now in the last week I have gone cold-turkey on sugar, coca-cola, coffee any other type of snacking. The new me or the right me is starting to form. (???)

Lazy morning in bed chatting with those friends that are really good at pestering me. Eric sleeps on Peter's side of the bed when he is in London. It was so sweet to awake before him and listen to his soft breathing next to me. Ten minutes later he opens his eyes and he is wide awake (don't know how he does that) and gives me a good morning hug. One of the best ways to start the morning!!!!!!!!

There was a bit of soreness in the area where Olga attacked me yesterday but I managed to shower and change the bandage with Kevin's help.

Each terrible or scary thing I have to go through is one step closer to the end of this ordeal.

A walk with Eric outside for 20 minutes was great and just what I needed to get back a bit of energy. I had the song Brave on repeat for the whole walk. Eric thought I should change the song.......but was singing along by the end.

Still had energy when I got home, so I vacuumed the house, thinking I won't have the strength to do this next week and that someone else will do this.

Then lucky me got a ride and company to the afternoon ENT doctor visit by Maria. Thanks for being there, Maria!!!!! The ENT doctor was nice and asked to check my nostrils before she puts a 2 foot wire camera through my nose into my throat. Easy compared to Olga! The operation for tomorrow morning was scheduled and I asked them to knock me out for it so I don't feel him cutting me up. The biopsy is to take out a 1 cm piece of the tumor on my neck and throat so they can analyze it and make sure they are using the appropriate chemo treatment. I will have a nice battle wound on my neck to remember this fun experience.

In Sweden after you pay a certain amount (1100 SEK or $170 USD) in doctor's visits then it is free health care from the date of the first doctor visit and 1 year forward.  So, that means after my first week of visiting specialists, now all my health care is free until February 2014. So, I will battle cancer and be cured and it only cost me $170 USD. That is a good thing along with getting the care at the premier hospital in Sweden, I feel confident.

Yesterday I got a bunch of brochures and information from the Hematology nurse and it was first today that I looked them over. I received information about where to get a wig fitted. (There is a an amount up to about 5000 SEK that is paid for by the health care rules.) Scary to contemplate that my hair will be gone very very soon. I find myself constantly running my fingers through my hair, which I had never done before. On the fence about the wig, I will have to wait and see. It is an opportunity to change color and style if I felt like it. I also got a travel card for taxi back and forth from home to hospital for the treatments. I pay a reduced fee for taxis but don't know if I will use that benefit as sometimes the taxis are late or don't come and that is too much stress to take.

I feel like I am in a zombie mode and I am going through the motions and taking the tests but don't really have a good perspective. Luckily Peter is on his way home tonight and will be here for the operation tomorrow. That feels good!!!!!! 

No eating after midnight for me tonight. Operation tomorrow. (how the heck can I be happy about that?) I double checked with the ENT doctor that Olga would not be in on this operation..:-)

Cancer sucks and this feels like the calm before the storm right now! I know once the storm hits I am going to be seasick and holding on for dear life.........

BRAVE Monday

2014.02.24

• FRIENDS are a blessing and I am truly blessed!
• BE BRAVE
• ASK FOR HELP 

Awoke early to messages from friends on the other side of the Atlantic. A good way to start the day. Mary sent a suggested fight song called BRAVE by Sara Bareilles. A fantastic song that got me crying to start the day with happy tears and a release of tension. It really was spot on. Thanks Mary, it is now on my most played music playlist.

Not long after listening to the song it was Carla, (friends since high school) and we got to talk. Thank goodness for the 9 hours time difference. Fantastic and meaningful especially when she said she would come here and help! (Although not with the cooking that is not her forte....) Thanks Carla, I am grateful.

Took a walk before meeting Sarah för lunch at Vapianos. The company was great and the food was too right up until the point I found a bug in my rucola salad. Will not be ordering that again anytime soon!

Some of my friends are awesome at "pestering me" with their presence either online or in person and I really appreciate it. You check in on me, ask the right questions, put it into perspective. You know who you are.....

I am the worst person in the world to ask others for help. I can do everything myself, right? Well, I am starting to realize that I have to put all my focus on me so I can beat this cancer's ass and I also have to let other people help me. That is heavy for me.

I know how many people are willing to help and it makes me happy and overwhelmed with the loving support of all those around me. This will help me get through it all. Right?

Now it is time to prepare my questions for the first meeting with the lymphoma doctors tomorrow. I am nervous for the tests that will be done but now I am ready for more information and a plan forward. A good day today as now I am ready as I will ever be for tomorrow............

I am a FIGHTER. I am BRAVE. I will ask for HELP. I am LOVED.