UPS and DOWNS

2015.02.08

Sunday

Life is like riding a roller coaster up and down, day in and day out.

Some roller coasters scare the crap out of me and I refuse to ride them. Others like The Dragon at Legoland are just right with a bit of excitement as we start up the incline and then just enough nerve tickling turns and acceleration as we head down towards the finish.

I have ridden The Dragon in Denmark, Windsor and Florida so many times but it is still exciting and a little bit scary each and every time we get to the top and hold our breath for the ride down. Getting out at the end is usually a relief but also a let down because it is over.

It is almost a year ago that I discovered and got diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. holy crap how time flies..........hahahhahaha.

OK. Yes in remission for more than 6 months now. Yippie.

The new me is taking on new challenges and also trying new things like trying to overcome some of my fears.

Fear of heights
Fear of eating vegetables that are healthy...
Fear of being wrong. *lucky that hasn't happened yet*

My fear of heights is being challenged each day mainly due to construction work being done near the kids school (for the next two years) that forces me to walk over a footbridge that crosses 4 lanes of traffic. The bridge is narrow and I just look down at my feet and walk right across the middle in a quick pace (while holding my breath or hyperventilating). My kids think it is funny and sometimes try and make me more nervous on the bridge by walking slowly in front of me. How many times do I need to walk over it until this fear subsides?

VEGETABLES. My main ingested foods up until last October were mainly processed foods and fast foods. Vegetables and fruits were after thoughts. This has probably not been the best plan for living a healthy life. So, the new me is trying new vegetables and I am pleasantly surprised so far that I can actually try one and like it.

VEGETABLES CONQUERED: zucchini, courgettes, peppers, sweet potatoes and spinach.
Going to try in 2015: avocado and hummus

Fear of being wrong is really about not having control over everything. This is a daily challenge that is compounded by the fact that those darn-side effects of chemotherapy have changed me. My attention span is shorter and my ability to retain the knowledge reaches a maximum each day. I can't keep track of things like I used to. This is only frustrating when I realize it, otherwise I just go with the flow until it becomes a flood.....

So the great flood has come. I have been eating healthy (no processed foods) since October and working out in the gym. That was supposed to be the recipe for fat loss. Ha ha. Not lost anything since November. Yes, it is frustrating. So, got some blood work and toxicology tests done to get some advanced biochemical feedback. That was interesting. Results show some missing vitamins and amino acids among other things. It now means 3 months of supplements to re-balance everything inside so that I can loss some fat.

This is extremely frustrating. Working out for 4 months and it feels like I am standing still in relation to this goal. This is the worst roller coaster ride ever. Eating well, exercising and still no results. Maybe we are destined to be a certain weight? I know that healthy eating is here to stay for me along with the exercise- that is logical. Doing all the work and not losing - that is not logical.  KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS. A solution or answer is on the horizon.

Luckily for me, the downs are balanced by the ups.

Crossing the Millenium Bridge on the way to the Tate. 

WHAT ARE THE UPs? Spending time with friends and family. This week was a visit to the Tate Modern Musuem to see an exhibit of Dumas. Very cool and interesting exhibit. Another example is just today when we went to a restaurant called STOCKHOLM which is run by Swedes here in London. We went with Kristina, Magnus and their children (who attend the same school as our kids and are from Sweden). We ate typical Swedish food and finished it off with a semla. YUM YUM.

This will be a busy week if I do everything on my list. Starting off the week tomorrow with a long walk before my workout. Good Night! Sleep tight!

KEEPING FIT. LOVING MY FITBIT CHARGE HR.
EATING HEALTHY. NEW FAVORITE IS SHRIMP STIR-FRY.
FRIENDS. LAUGHING. HUGS. SMILES. KICKING BUTT.

Still in REMISSION

2015.01.30

Yes, my updates have been worse than sporadic. I agree. Just when I thought I could sit down and unload all that has been accumulating in my brain.......my mac dies. I have ordered another one but the delivery is not until next week. So, this post is via my son's borrowed mac. (although I didn't get his password)

Stockholm is so peaceful in the winter.

January is coming to a close and I have done tons of stuff and at the same time not many of those things that I should have done.  Always room for improvement.

I have been more aware and tried to really live in the moment. I do see an improvement from last year. (still have some side effects that are a drag but learning to live with them.)

Time with friends and family is like taking a medicine to make me feel better. That is really the best medicine for me. Suffice to say that I have been taking a lot of "medicine" this month.

Last week it was time for my 6 month check-up with the requisite blood work beforehand. This was followed the next day with the operation to remove the implantable port. I have been preoccupied with other things and not so focused as I was last time so my anxiety and stress level was much lower. I was almost calm. I have kicked cancer's butt before - worst case I could do it again........

I arrived in Sweden a few days before my appointment so I could go to Charlotte's 40th birthday party. The day of the party I got up late and lounged around the house (in my pj's) all day until it was time to leave for the party. It has been a while since I've done that. It felt GREAT.

Such a fun party. A great time dancing, eating and spending time with good friends. I am so lucky to have so many people that were supporting me and so happy that it was now a happy occasion for us to get to together. GRATEFUL.

I met up with some of my other friends and spent quality time just living in the here and now. THANKS SARA, STINA, and MIA.

It is a dilemma of how to visit everyone that I miss. It will be hard. I need a solution.

Monday morning and I needed to head to the hospital early to leave blood. On my way there, I call Anna and find out that her daughter had just been diagnosed with diabetes two days earlier and was at the same hospital I was going to. So we meet up quickly and I give hugs and words of encouragement. They have a great children's diabetes center at that hospital.

Then it was time for my appointment with Dr. Claes. Everything looked great. It was a relief. I thanked him profusely for all that he had done. It felt good but also a little surreal. This is the calmest I have ever been. Now it was time to celebrate.

Yippie!

On my way to Sara's house I picked up a Princess Cake which is my favorite type of Swedish cake. I got to spend time with Sara and her family and meet her newborn son who is the cutest.

 

The next day was the day I was most anxious about. Removing the implantable port with just local anesthesia. What better way to spend the time until the afternoon appointment than to visit SOUL and get my massive amount of curly hair cut and then to have lunch with Mia.

Chemo curls have made my hair extremely curly. Hair product has been necessary since October to keep it in place. I reached the decision to cut it and let it grow back when my oldest son called me Einstein about two weeks ago. You all know which picture I am talking about:

Before the haircut: Einstein

Before the haircut: me

Me after the haircut.

It was great to see Ulrica and Sophie again. It is such a warm and loving feeling at SOUL. THANKS ULRICA for squeezing me in on such short notice. GRATEFUL.

Lunch with Mia after was Indian food and then a walk for me in the cold weather of Stockholm to finally get this thing out of me.

So many emotions as I sat in the waiting room. It is overwhelming. Anxious. Determined to keep the implantable port once it is out of me. Shock at a "no" answer to keeping it. Crying. Disbelief. All alone. Determination. Inevitable removal. Headphones in with "Brave" by Sara Bareilles on repeat. EYES CLOSED. Three needles. Time to begin says the doctor. Focused. Sad. Tears streaming out of my eyes non-stop. Too much emotion. Nurse rubbing my arm. Time passing by too slowly. Weird sensations of pressure but no pain except for the emotional release of all that has happened. OK, just sewing up the vein now before he sews up the rest, says the nurse. "crap, my vein was opened?" goes through my head but not out my mouth. Surreal. Finally finished. Said my peace about why it was important for me to have it. NOPE, there are laws to be followed. OK. Good to go. Time to drive to Mia's house. I survived. GRATEFUL.

This is an implantable port. That tube was in my artery.

About the size of a silver dollar and
as high as a piece of LEGO.
In the center is where the needle for the chemo went.

I thankfully spent the night at Mia's house and as usual enjoyed a great dinner and fantastic company. HAPPY. THANKS MIA.

The next morning it was a quick visit to my mother in law before I headed to the airport. That was fun to pull and hold my luggage with just my right side so I wouldn't rip the stitches. 

Sad to leave Sweden but oh so happy to get back to London. The new life that is starting to take shape here is so exciting. The possibilities are endless.

I am eating well, exercising, trying to figure out why I am not losing weight, still motivated and just got the latest activity tracker that is perfect for me. It is called the Fitbit ChargeHR and I love it. It has a heart rate monitor, counts my steps, lets me track my sleep patterns, food intake and exercise and it looks good on my arm too. So psyched to challenge myself. (and any others that are up for a challenge)

Number of steps I have taken today...

GRATEFUL for the fabulous friends I have made here. They are amazing. Overwhelmed with gratitude. 

KICKED CANCER'S ASS. REMISSION. 

GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. 

BRAVE. STITCHES. 

NEW ME. NEW LIFE.