London to Paris with BLOODWISE

August 22, 2016

Yes, it's been a long time since I posted. I miss Sophie each and every day. I have come out of the clouds and fog of chemo a little bit. Those darn side effects have just made getting back to normal that much harder - which means that how I am now is the new normal. It has taken me a while to realize this.

Sophie is on the ride with me.

So the past months I have been learning what the new me is capable of....(still a work in progress)

On September 15, 2016 at 8 am, I will join 249 other riders at Eltham Palace and start the four day journey by bicycle to the Eiffel Tower in Paris to support the blood cancer charity called BLOODWISE.  It is 300 miles (500 km) from London to Paris. My husband did it in my honor last year and this year he will join me and 4 other friends so we can all do it together. (and raise that much more money to help fund research for life-saving treatments....which saved my life)

Training for this ride has been hard because I don't really like cycling. I am scared of falling, being clipped in, going to fast, losing control, being hit by a car, seeing the potholes and avoiding them, making it up the hill without walking, getting used to contact lenses, fitting into the bike kit, drinking from the water bottle while I am moving.......the list could go on forever.


But, I signed up for it and I need to do it to prove to myself that the new normal will be good enough.

#IAMBLOODWISE

I told myself that if I got my bike custom painted that I could do it. I am so pleased with the job that Cole Coatings Workshop did on my bike. It gives me confidence and makes me feel good. My conditioning has come a long way since I started riding in April, its not perfect but it will get me through - if only for the reason that I never give up and my mental strength got me through cancer. (Along with all my friends and family too)

Training has been in London and in Sweden. Slow, but steady progress, overcoming or conquering some of my fears along the way.

The best and coolest sunglasses were compliments of Michelle, Zulma. Mairead and Cris.  Thanks Girls!

Cycling in Sweden with rental bike. The Views...

My partner in this crazy adventure called LIFE.

Not only did I get my bike custom painted, I got a really cool Kask American flag helmet and some new Shimano shoes. If I look the part, it should be easier...right?

So in the next 24 days there is a lot of other stuff going on and I need to make sure that I focus on the ride......as much as I can
10 days until the two youngest start school
15 days until my parents arrive to watch the kids while we ride
17 days until my oldest son starts at university and moves out.....
21 days until my two youngest go on their week long class trips somewhere in England
22 days until my college roommate arrives from New York to join in on the bike ride
24 days until we stand at the starting line....

All this is going to Paris.

Nervous but excited. Scared but hopeful. Determined.

Please consider supporting my ride by clicking on this Justgiving link. I get energy from each donation and it helps to fund this life saving research for blood cancer.

LOVE YOU ALL. BRAVE. DETERMINED. LONDON. TO. PARIS. 

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

2015.02.15

SUNDAY

It has been exactly one year today that I looked in the mirror and saw that my neck looked funny. That is a moment that I will not ever forget. It meant that the following five days were tests, questions and then a diagnosis on the 20th. holy crap.

I still remember that feeling of disbelief as Mia and I walked out of the doctor's office. I was cursing and in shock. How I managed to get through it all the way to today is really a mystery to me. I had no choice really because I love life too much to do anything else but fight it (that darn cancer).

To celebrate life and because I am in remission, we are heading this afternoon to a warmer climate with some sun, beach and relaxation. It is a well deserved time for me and the rest of the family. I really need to recharge my batteries and just enjoy myself. Going to make some happy memories.

There is a spa at the resort and I have already decided that I am going to do a different treatment each day, just because I am worth it.

The days before a trip always result in me trying to think of everything and then pack for all possibilities for all of us. This time a round I am still trying to think of everything but I am sure that I have forgotten something. (even though I have made numerous lists and then forgotten where I put them) I am exhausted but can breathe out once we have checked the luggage in and are sitting on the plane.

This year compared to last year:

I put myself first now.
I try to simplify everything I do.
I appreciate everything I see, every chance meeting I make, every raindrop and rainbow.
I look in the mirror.
I feel confident enough to cast away that niggling feeling that the cancer is going to come back and
I just enjoy life each day.
My definition of "enjoying life" has changed since last year.
I take selfies. (and I think it's fun too)
I exercise often, eat well and have cut out almost all processed foods.
I only hang out with people that give me energy.
I have some scars on the outside that add to my character.
I still believe I can do anything as long as I set my mind to it.
I appreciate all the doctors and nurses who cared and all the scientists who researched R-CHOP.
I feel thankful and overwhelmed by all the people in my life.

The new me is still taking some getting used to by me, by Peter and by everyone else. (It's harder for them than it is for me.)

365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, many tears but oh so much more laughter during this time.

Now it is time for sun, sand, spa and just relaxation.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FAMILY. FRIENDS. KICKED CANCER'S ASS. LOVING LIFE. LIVING LIFE. 

Still in REMISSION

2015.01.30

Yes, my updates have been worse than sporadic. I agree. Just when I thought I could sit down and unload all that has been accumulating in my brain.......my mac dies. I have ordered another one but the delivery is not until next week. So, this post is via my son's borrowed mac. (although I didn't get his password)

Stockholm is so peaceful in the winter.

January is coming to a close and I have done tons of stuff and at the same time not many of those things that I should have done.  Always room for improvement.

I have been more aware and tried to really live in the moment. I do see an improvement from last year. (still have some side effects that are a drag but learning to live with them.)

Time with friends and family is like taking a medicine to make me feel better. That is really the best medicine for me. Suffice to say that I have been taking a lot of "medicine" this month.

Last week it was time for my 6 month check-up with the requisite blood work beforehand. This was followed the next day with the operation to remove the implantable port. I have been preoccupied with other things and not so focused as I was last time so my anxiety and stress level was much lower. I was almost calm. I have kicked cancer's butt before - worst case I could do it again........

I arrived in Sweden a few days before my appointment so I could go to Charlotte's 40th birthday party. The day of the party I got up late and lounged around the house (in my pj's) all day until it was time to leave for the party. It has been a while since I've done that. It felt GREAT.

Such a fun party. A great time dancing, eating and spending time with good friends. I am so lucky to have so many people that were supporting me and so happy that it was now a happy occasion for us to get to together. GRATEFUL.

I met up with some of my other friends and spent quality time just living in the here and now. THANKS SARA, STINA, and MIA.

It is a dilemma of how to visit everyone that I miss. It will be hard. I need a solution.

Monday morning and I needed to head to the hospital early to leave blood. On my way there, I call Anna and find out that her daughter had just been diagnosed with diabetes two days earlier and was at the same hospital I was going to. So we meet up quickly and I give hugs and words of encouragement. They have a great children's diabetes center at that hospital.

Then it was time for my appointment with Dr. Claes. Everything looked great. It was a relief. I thanked him profusely for all that he had done. It felt good but also a little surreal. This is the calmest I have ever been. Now it was time to celebrate.

Yippie!

On my way to Sara's house I picked up a Princess Cake which is my favorite type of Swedish cake. I got to spend time with Sara and her family and meet her newborn son who is the cutest.

 

The next day was the day I was most anxious about. Removing the implantable port with just local anesthesia. What better way to spend the time until the afternoon appointment than to visit SOUL and get my massive amount of curly hair cut and then to have lunch with Mia.

Chemo curls have made my hair extremely curly. Hair product has been necessary since October to keep it in place. I reached the decision to cut it and let it grow back when my oldest son called me Einstein about two weeks ago. You all know which picture I am talking about:

Before the haircut: Einstein

Before the haircut: me

Me after the haircut.

It was great to see Ulrica and Sophie again. It is such a warm and loving feeling at SOUL. THANKS ULRICA for squeezing me in on such short notice. GRATEFUL.

Lunch with Mia after was Indian food and then a walk for me in the cold weather of Stockholm to finally get this thing out of me.

So many emotions as I sat in the waiting room. It is overwhelming. Anxious. Determined to keep the implantable port once it is out of me. Shock at a "no" answer to keeping it. Crying. Disbelief. All alone. Determination. Inevitable removal. Headphones in with "Brave" by Sara Bareilles on repeat. EYES CLOSED. Three needles. Time to begin says the doctor. Focused. Sad. Tears streaming out of my eyes non-stop. Too much emotion. Nurse rubbing my arm. Time passing by too slowly. Weird sensations of pressure but no pain except for the emotional release of all that has happened. OK, just sewing up the vein now before he sews up the rest, says the nurse. "crap, my vein was opened?" goes through my head but not out my mouth. Surreal. Finally finished. Said my peace about why it was important for me to have it. NOPE, there are laws to be followed. OK. Good to go. Time to drive to Mia's house. I survived. GRATEFUL.

This is an implantable port. That tube was in my artery.

About the size of a silver dollar and
as high as a piece of LEGO.
In the center is where the needle for the chemo went.

I thankfully spent the night at Mia's house and as usual enjoyed a great dinner and fantastic company. HAPPY. THANKS MIA.

The next morning it was a quick visit to my mother in law before I headed to the airport. That was fun to pull and hold my luggage with just my right side so I wouldn't rip the stitches. 

Sad to leave Sweden but oh so happy to get back to London. The new life that is starting to take shape here is so exciting. The possibilities are endless.

I am eating well, exercising, trying to figure out why I am not losing weight, still motivated and just got the latest activity tracker that is perfect for me. It is called the Fitbit ChargeHR and I love it. It has a heart rate monitor, counts my steps, lets me track my sleep patterns, food intake and exercise and it looks good on my arm too. So psyched to challenge myself. (and any others that are up for a challenge)

Number of steps I have taken today...

GRATEFUL for the fabulous friends I have made here. They are amazing. Overwhelmed with gratitude. 

KICKED CANCER'S ASS. REMISSION. 

GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. 

BRAVE. STITCHES. 

NEW ME. NEW LIFE.