WAITING FOR RESULTS???????????

2014.03.05

Today was supposed to be the day for all the answers.

It started well with one of my morning chats with Carla. Her words to me "OK, so whatever the news you have an army of family and friends behind you" That is a good answer for today. It gives me comfort. She sent me a picture from when we were teenagers and life was good and easy and carefree. Those were the days.

Colleen, Me and Carla

Sitting in the doctor's office with Peter this morning we were full of expectations to get the party started.

The doctor starts out by asking if the tumor had gotten any bigger and made my breathing worse. No, I said I was getting used to it. Then he went on to say that all the results of the tests are not totally done so they could not present a definite staging of this cancer. Preliminarily it looks like a Stage 1.

OK, so now I asked again - a stage 1 - that is a relief. I tune out a little just trying to focus on that but not liking the uncertainty due to the lack of the results. My brain moved into an alternate universe as the doctor says that chemo would not start tomorrow but on MONDAY. 

Brain not fully reacting.  Chemo is what I am waiting for and now it is another four days away. I am still calm and accepting of this in my head though, weird. I am starting to feel like the frog above.

Then the doctor starts talking about the scheduling of the treatments as starting on Monday and being given every two weeks. They will be given 6 to 8 times. (which means the last one would be around June 16th.) I am thinking of the summer get together with my family and if my body will allow me to make that trip. OK trying to see the good.

Now it is time to inform me about all the medicines that he is writing a presciption for. Peter and I are both taking notes of the names and days and times that each of the different medicines are to be taken. Writing it down, understanding a little, realizing that the waiting game has just been started again. shit, shit, shit, shock, calm, shit, calm, shit, calm

As we come to what we think is the end of the visit, the doctor prints out the results he had gotten from the CAT scan. I see that the tumor size has gotten bigger. It is 8 by 4 x 8 centimeters large now. So, it grows about a centimeter a week in all directions.

Just when we think we are good to go, the doctor looks at the results and sees that that department had added an additional response and that it said that they saw a 1,5 cm lump in my left breast.  He was a bit surprised that it was bad news. He springs into action and says that he is scheduling a breast needle biopsy and mammogram for immediately. 

The air just went out of us. Peter slumps in his chair and I get into determined warrior mode.

I go through the motions because the tests are not going to hurt compared to Olga so I am calm. I just want to get them done. Then all the results can be analyzed and I can finally get the party started.

Mammogram machine very good at holding on tight.

The nurse fixed everything and we finally left Karolinska at 2 pm.  I spent my day getting 3 needles in my breast, 8 semi-painful but definitely bearable mammogram pictures, a painless sonogram by a doctor who reassured me and buying drugs worth over a thousand dollars.

The sonogram doctor said she did not think that it looks like breast cancer and is probably something I have had for a while. The biopsy results and comparing to my previous mammogram about 5 years ago will give the final answer. I am not worried.

My sister, Kris and I at the start and end of our ballet career. (I have the opposite costume on as Nour had on this weekend at the Melodifestival......)

I took a 2 hour nap when I got home. All the tension was released as I lay there listening to my Kick Ass playlist. Hungry but not really hungry I forced myself to eat some dinner. I am grateful for all those who thought of me today. I felt your presence.  GRATEFUL

Now it is time to make plans for the next four days and delay those puking plans until next week.

BRAVE by Sara Bareilles

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

RECHARGE THE BATTERIES. I AM A FIGHTER. WAITING. BATTLE PLANS.

Apple juice anyone?

2014.02.26

Too much apple juice? After yesterdays CT scan I was told to drink lots of liquids for the next 2 days to get all that dye out of my body or it could be dangerous. (as if I am not in any danger right now anyway....) So, there has been a lot of apple juice consumed in the past 24 hours. I never really drank any juice before it was mostly coca-cola. Now in the last week I have gone cold-turkey on sugar, coca-cola, coffee any other type of snacking. The new me or the right me is starting to form. (???)

Lazy morning in bed chatting with those friends that are really good at pestering me. Eric sleeps on Peter's side of the bed when he is in London. It was so sweet to awake before him and listen to his soft breathing next to me. Ten minutes later he opens his eyes and he is wide awake (don't know how he does that) and gives me a good morning hug. One of the best ways to start the morning!!!!!!!!

There was a bit of soreness in the area where Olga attacked me yesterday but I managed to shower and change the bandage with Kevin's help.

Each terrible or scary thing I have to go through is one step closer to the end of this ordeal.

A walk with Eric outside for 20 minutes was great and just what I needed to get back a bit of energy. I had the song Brave on repeat for the whole walk. Eric thought I should change the song.......but was singing along by the end.

Still had energy when I got home, so I vacuumed the house, thinking I won't have the strength to do this next week and that someone else will do this.

Then lucky me got a ride and company to the afternoon ENT doctor visit by Maria. Thanks for being there, Maria!!!!! The ENT doctor was nice and asked to check my nostrils before she puts a 2 foot wire camera through my nose into my throat. Easy compared to Olga! The operation for tomorrow morning was scheduled and I asked them to knock me out for it so I don't feel him cutting me up. The biopsy is to take out a 1 cm piece of the tumor on my neck and throat so they can analyze it and make sure they are using the appropriate chemo treatment. I will have a nice battle wound on my neck to remember this fun experience.

In Sweden after you pay a certain amount (1100 SEK or $170 USD) in doctor's visits then it is free health care from the date of the first doctor visit and 1 year forward.  So, that means after my first week of visiting specialists, now all my health care is free until February 2014. So, I will battle cancer and be cured and it only cost me $170 USD. That is a good thing along with getting the care at the premier hospital in Sweden, I feel confident.

Yesterday I got a bunch of brochures and information from the Hematology nurse and it was first today that I looked them over. I received information about where to get a wig fitted. (There is a an amount up to about 5000 SEK that is paid for by the health care rules.) Scary to contemplate that my hair will be gone very very soon. I find myself constantly running my fingers through my hair, which I had never done before. On the fence about the wig, I will have to wait and see. It is an opportunity to change color and style if I felt like it. I also got a travel card for taxi back and forth from home to hospital for the treatments. I pay a reduced fee for taxis but don't know if I will use that benefit as sometimes the taxis are late or don't come and that is too much stress to take.

I feel like I am in a zombie mode and I am going through the motions and taking the tests but don't really have a good perspective. Luckily Peter is on his way home tonight and will be here for the operation tomorrow. That feels good!!!!!! 

No eating after midnight for me tonight. Operation tomorrow. (how the heck can I be happy about that?) I double checked with the ENT doctor that Olga would not be in on this operation..:-)

Cancer sucks and this feels like the calm before the storm right now! I know once the storm hits I am going to be seasick and holding on for dear life.........

Hardest Bones ever.......

2014.02.25

I was so looking forward to today to get some answers and get going on getting this cancer out of me!

Early to rise in anticipation of all these really fun (not) tests and answers from the doctors.

All the wonderful -thinking of you- messages I received this morning were heartwarming and gave me the energy and focus to get it done today! LOVE.

 

Dale, a fantastic person and friend volunteered to be with me today! What a hero! She drove and we found the right department of Hematology and met the doctor. No info on the stage or level because all the tests are not done yet. It looks like based on what they know that it will be R-CHOP treatment to start with. They will have a doctor conference next Tuesday and discuss the options and then I get to meet the doctor on the 5th of March to know the exact level and extent and then Chemo starts on the 6th of March at 9 am. Yippee!!!!  .......

Of course this plan is all contingent on the tumor not growing so fast that it makes breathing more difficult or hard to swallow. Then I get to start chemo as soon as I check into the emergency room.

The most fun part of the day was definitely the bone marrow biopsy! I won (if there was a contest) hardest bones they had ever seen. Shall I paint the picture?
Come into the room, meet the nurse and doctor to perform this procedure. Lay on my stomach, put my headphones in one ear so I can still hear the doctor and put on the song Brave.  Oh yea, they took my eyeglasses so now I can not hear that well.

I told Dale not to watch but she couldn't resist and now she can't get this experience out of her mind.  OK, so first it is local anesthesia on the left side -not so bad. Then it is the pressure not so bad as she put the real needle in to get out the bone marrow. She can't get past the bone. She gives it another try. Then calls in the heavy artillery - another doctor who bends over and puts her face next to mine and scares me and says "I am Olga and I will give it a try."

Well, boy did she. She pushed as hard as she could,  I almost lost my breath.  This she tried at least three times on the left side. Not enough success. OK- local anesthesia on the right side. Repeat process of pushing like there is no tomorrow. Dale is watching the whole thing and squeezing my arm tighter as she sees Olga doing her thing. She was definitely a Russian Bear and I was mauled. She only got about half the fluid she needed but the nurse said it should be enough. Keep your fingers crossed that it was.

Unfortunately we did not get to meet him. It would have been music to my ears!

Dale and Me

Then it was 3 hours of fasting before the cat scan for the whole body. That was easy compared to my meeting with Olga!

Thanks all of you that keep in touch with me. It was reassuring during the bone marrow biopsy when my phone pinged in my ear to notify me of an incoming text. LOVE.

Home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from work. I really miss my work mates and all the kids that I had each week for LEGO class. LOVE.

Time for some more painkillers and to take a rest. Luckily the kids have their computers and something to occupy themselves while I sleep!

Tomorrow and Thursday are more tests and they should be bearable as long as I do not have to meet Olga again.

LOVED. PAIN. ONE STEP CLOSER