WAITING FOR RESULTS???????????

2014.03.05

Today was supposed to be the day for all the answers.

It started well with one of my morning chats with Carla. Her words to me "OK, so whatever the news you have an army of family and friends behind you" That is a good answer for today. It gives me comfort. She sent me a picture from when we were teenagers and life was good and easy and carefree. Those were the days.

Colleen, Me and Carla

Sitting in the doctor's office with Peter this morning we were full of expectations to get the party started.

The doctor starts out by asking if the tumor had gotten any bigger and made my breathing worse. No, I said I was getting used to it. Then he went on to say that all the results of the tests are not totally done so they could not present a definite staging of this cancer. Preliminarily it looks like a Stage 1.

OK, so now I asked again - a stage 1 - that is a relief. I tune out a little just trying to focus on that but not liking the uncertainty due to the lack of the results. My brain moved into an alternate universe as the doctor says that chemo would not start tomorrow but on MONDAY. 

Brain not fully reacting.  Chemo is what I am waiting for and now it is another four days away. I am still calm and accepting of this in my head though, weird. I am starting to feel like the frog above.

Then the doctor starts talking about the scheduling of the treatments as starting on Monday and being given every two weeks. They will be given 6 to 8 times. (which means the last one would be around June 16th.) I am thinking of the summer get together with my family and if my body will allow me to make that trip. OK trying to see the good.

Now it is time to inform me about all the medicines that he is writing a presciption for. Peter and I are both taking notes of the names and days and times that each of the different medicines are to be taken. Writing it down, understanding a little, realizing that the waiting game has just been started again. shit, shit, shit, shock, calm, shit, calm, shit, calm

As we come to what we think is the end of the visit, the doctor prints out the results he had gotten from the CAT scan. I see that the tumor size has gotten bigger. It is 8 by 4 x 8 centimeters large now. So, it grows about a centimeter a week in all directions.

Just when we think we are good to go, the doctor looks at the results and sees that that department had added an additional response and that it said that they saw a 1,5 cm lump in my left breast.  He was a bit surprised that it was bad news. He springs into action and says that he is scheduling a breast needle biopsy and mammogram for immediately. 

The air just went out of us. Peter slumps in his chair and I get into determined warrior mode.

I go through the motions because the tests are not going to hurt compared to Olga so I am calm. I just want to get them done. Then all the results can be analyzed and I can finally get the party started.

Mammogram machine very good at holding on tight.

The nurse fixed everything and we finally left Karolinska at 2 pm.  I spent my day getting 3 needles in my breast, 8 semi-painful but definitely bearable mammogram pictures, a painless sonogram by a doctor who reassured me and buying drugs worth over a thousand dollars.

The sonogram doctor said she did not think that it looks like breast cancer and is probably something I have had for a while. The biopsy results and comparing to my previous mammogram about 5 years ago will give the final answer. I am not worried.

My sister, Kris and I at the start and end of our ballet career. (I have the opposite costume on as Nour had on this weekend at the Melodifestival......)

I took a 2 hour nap when I got home. All the tension was released as I lay there listening to my Kick Ass playlist. Hungry but not really hungry I forced myself to eat some dinner. I am grateful for all those who thought of me today. I felt your presence.  GRATEFUL

Now it is time to make plans for the next four days and delay those puking plans until next week.

BRAVE by Sara Bareilles

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

RECHARGE THE BATTERIES. I AM A FIGHTER. WAITING. BATTLE PLANS.