Life throws another CURVEBALLL.

2014.05.06 and 07

Well, life has a funny way of changing my plans for life:

Tuesday:
Eric is home from school for a second day.

Lab work at 9 am, doctors appointment at 11 am.

That is where the day started to unravel. The doctor asked me how I felt and I was honest. I felt tired, dry mouth and my big toe was infected. Once he took a look at my toe - everything changed and became more stressful.

Plan of action: delay chemo with one week, antibiotics for 10 days, emergency visit to orthopedics to remove said toe nail.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. NOT any of the things I had planned for. 

The removal of the toe nail was painful as all hell even though I had my eyes closed and was given some sort of sedative to calm my crazy nerves. I survived it and was hoping when I got home to have time to rest and reflect.

Got home at 4 p.m. and went in to see Eric. He had been puking all day and could not get up from the bed without my help, he was pale as a ghost, dehydrated and had huge black circles under his eyes. Now I knew all was not right with him.

I had been given strong painkillers so my sister had to drive us right back to the hospital with Eric in the back seat - puking but asking for more water.

We got to emergency room at Astrid Lindgrens Childrens Hospital and Eric could only lay there on the chairs. My foot was killing me so I laid on the other chairs. Once they took us to ask questions and I said the answers, the nurse scooped him up in her arms and ran into the emergency section calling after several doctors.

In less than 5 minutes, the doctor had taken a sample of his blood and tells us he has diabetes. I am in shock. The next half hour is 8 or 9 doctors or nurses pumping stuff into him through both arms, as he was not responding as he should. It was diabetic ketoacidosis. It was a close call. After an hour and a half, we were moved up to the children's intensive care unit so they could start the diabetes protocol to get him back on track. I had called Peter and he was on his way home from London and he arrived at the hospital at 1 a.m. I got home at 2 a.m. and slept for 4 hours.

Today- Wednesday

LIFE is turned upside down! But we are not giving up!

I relieved Peter right after lunch today and spent the next 9 hours with Eric. He is getting better but not exactly how the doctors had hoped. It is a watch and wait and test of the sugars and insulin to get it right.

He will be in the hospital for a week and we as a family will learn how the new reality will be for all of us.

So, I still have cancer, my foot is killing me and I hobble along slowly, chemo is delayed which messes up the moving plans and I am still bald.

The nurses in the ICU loved the chocolate chip cookies that I brought for them today. It was the least I could do for them helping to save my son's life.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. KICKING DIABETES ASS. FAMILY.

One more day....

2014.05.05

Up at 5:30 am. Seemed too short of a sleep considering I fell asleep around midnight. The usual routine ensued. We got the two older off to school. My youngest was looking pale and not feeling too good. He got to stay home and stay in bed today.

My sister and I along with Sophie in the back seat had a mission today. It was to go to our summer house and get it ready for us to move into in a few weeks. We took the scenic route over Vaxholm and Rindö with the car ferries. It was a nice morning. Shortly after our arrival at the house, the cleaning, dusting and bed making was in full speed mode. After two hours, we were tired but had done our job. Lunch was peppers and chicken. YUM YUM YUM.

Our way home was past my in-laws so they could say hi to my sister. It was nice to have a cup of tea and some cake. Thanks Evy and Reinhold.

Our drive home was a very scenic route on the road through Stockholm in all the traffic. We got a great view of the buildings as we inched along in the car..........

Once we got home it was time for dinner and then after dinner to wave goodbye to Peter as he drove off to the airport for another work week in London. Good thing my sister is here.

The inside of my mouth is dry and feels weird but I can still eat. I am feeling tired but there is so much to do so I barely sit down. Tomorrow will be the test if my blood numbers are good enough. Keep your fingers crossed.

My youngest crawled into bed, not up to his usual self yet. My oldest is now complaining of a throbbing headache pain in and behind his eye. This will be an interesting week.

Our chocolate chip cookies are being baked as I write. It smells so good in the house.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. FAMILY. KICKING ASS........still. 

May the 4th BE WITH YOU

2014.05.04

Home from the party at 2 a.m. We had a great time. I can't believe we stayed up that late-- it must be because we were having so much fun. Sleep came easily. I might have dreamt about Star Wars and the Force.

Eyes opened at 9:30 a.m. - feeling a bit tired. Got up and had some breakfast, tried to rouse my sister from her slumber. Don't want her to have jet lag. All were dressed and ready when we got a nice visit from Eva and Kenneth for a morning fika. (fika=coffee and cake break). It was fun to see them.

After their visit it was time for me, my sister and Peter to head into the Old Town of Stockholm. The weather has been crazy today- raining, snowing and hailing- this is not weather we have ordered. We got lucky and were just in time to hear the military marching band play some great songs in conjunction with the changing of the guard at the castle. Then we walked along in that "great" weather and found the cafe that has the best white chocolate cheesecake and stopped in for some lunch. It is fun to show off how beautiful the Old Town really is. We then drove home and showed her all the scenic sights we could on the way.

Of course, there was the mandatory stop at the supermarket to do some food shopping. Once home again, we realized that some necessary items were not purchased. So typical.

Peter made dinner and we enjoyed his culinary accomplishments. YUM YUM

Now as soon as I relax, I do feel a bit tired. My big toe is hopefully on the way to improvement, only time will tell. In a few days it will be chemo #5 - can't wait.............

LOVED. SUPPORT. GRATEFUL. KICKING ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS.

Kris- guest blogger

2014.05.03

Hi I am Teresa's sister Kris and I am today's guest blogger. I arrived in Stockholm airport Saturday morning about 8:00 am. Teresa was waiting for me as I came out of baggage claim.

This is my first time in Sweden and it was still a bit colder than Teresa had promised. 

On the way to her house she told me the plan was to have a cup of tea, then I would be allowed to sleep for 2 hours, go to Kevin's American football scrimmage, and then a 50th birthday party for Mia's husband. Teresa's house is beautiful and the kids rooms are perfect for them. 

A big thank you to Eric for letting me use his room this week. There are a lot of boxes around as Teresa's family is readying for their move to London.

I really don't remember much before Teresa woke me up from my nap but apparently I had slept over four hours and Kevin's scrimmage was going to start in 20 minutes. We bundled up and headed out to Kevin's game. Sweden was playing Finland and Kevin did very well and it was fun to watch especially an American game here in Sweden.

So then we were on our way to Ake's 50th birthday party. I am told the following: there will be 60 people there, assigned seats and games probably with people you don't know. I use eye brow pencil and write a birthday message to Ake on the back of Teresa's head and we decide to drive because it is snowing and Teresa's toe hurts and is green/purple. (If she tries to show you look away!).

Mia &Ake's home is beautiful, the alcohol is free flowing and we are told to team up with three others who we do not know to play a game. I think my team did well but we did not win (I was useless as I don't follow professional soccer or speak Swedish. My apologies to Peo and the rest of my team.)

John, Mia's brother in law, sat next to me at dinner and was an excellent translator and instructed me on traditions. In Sweden it is tradition that there is a toastmaster at dinner and a lot of singing. I didn't understand much of what was said but I didn't need a translator to know all the guests have genuine affection for Ake and had shared many great experiences.  There was a lot of laughing and even some guitar playing. 

It was a great celebration and I was so happy to be a part of it. Mia, her sisters, brother and their partners all made me feel so welcome. I guess this blog is supposed to be about Teresa, not me so let me end by saying the people here are the best and I am so grateful that Teresa has them in her life as dear friends and for support.

Finally it was easy....

2014.05.02

My internal alarm clock just will not let me sleep late. Up and out with the dog, defrost my shot, chat with friends, take my shot and sleep a little bit longer.

I had a little excursion planned for today to Gnesta which is about an hour's drive away from home. It is where a Gustavian furniture company is. My goal was to re-cover the seats from our current chairs and buy 4 new chairs (covered in same material) so that in London we would have 10 chairs around the table. I had read on their website that it takes 4-8 weeks to produce them. That is a potential problem as they need to be ready for the moving van which comes in 24 days.

Music blasting while driving the car and the time went quickly. I arrived as they opened. I went in and looked around and then I told him the story of what I needed and when. I sent pictures to Peter in London for quick approval. Was I happy when the store owner said that it would work? OH YEAH. What a relief. Finally it was easy. I thanked him profusely.

Material and color of the new chairs

As I got in the car and  turned on the radio - HAPPY by Pharell Williams was playing. YEP. I WAS HAPPY. The ride home seemed to go a lot faster because I was in such a good mood.

I got home and gave the kids lunch and then I headed over to Dale's house to have some tea and delicious fresh baked banana bread. Laughs and great company - couldn't ask for anything else. Thanks DALE.

Home again and I went right to bed and slept for an hour. Felt refreshed after waking up, made the dinner for the kids and now it is time for bed again. Early airport run tomorrow to pick up my sister.

EASY. LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. KICKING ASS.

May 1 - everyone is on holiday.

2014.05.01

Even though I could sleep as late as I wanted- my internal alarm clock got me up before 6 a.m.
I chatted with friends, took the dog out for a walk in the morning SNOW STORM and gave myself the shot in the tummy.

SNOW on the car....

Then I went back to bed for a while.


Don't have (mental) strength to write about how much I really do not like Swedish regular healthcare. It really sucked today and I do not want to remember it. It has sucked almost every time I have had to meet them. Shit, it is so energy draining. I will not miss that part of Sweden at all.

By lunch time the snow was gone and I ate some lunch and then dozed on the chair until that afternoon appointment with an on-call doctor.

As I have a high risk for infection, any infection that is treated with antibiotics would probably mean that chemo would be delayed. Luckily the doctor did not prescribe them but I am worried for anything that would delay chemo.

This is going to be a tough 4 weeks, I can tell! Good thing my sister is coming on Saturday so I will have more support.

Home again and decided the solution for dinner was to do drive through at Mcdonalds. No one feels like cooking. We piled in the car and got that sorted in time to drive my oldest to his football practice.

LOOKING FOR POSITIVES. LOVED. GRATEFUL. FAMILY. FRIENDS. KICKING ASS.

May Bonfire.

2014.04.30

Tired this morning upon waking up. But managed to drag this old body out of the bed and out with the dog. Back inside after a short walk I got the kids up and took my pills and my shot.

Only my two oldest had school today so getting them off to school was not a problem.

I ate some breakfast and then the phone rang. It was Ulrica, the 2nd grade teacher from Campus Manilla where I work. I was on speakerphone and the whole class sang Happy Birthday to me and told me what time the grilling started today so I could come and visit them. Wow, tears came to my eyes during their thoughtful rendition of the song.

I was tired so I took a 1,5 hour nap before it was time to drive into town to meet my students at school. Today they were having a grill day for lunch with some outside games and this makes it easier for me to hang out with them.

My youngest son followed along for the day. We arrived at the campus and walked into the 2nd grade classroom. All the kids were happy to see me. It was awesome to see all of their smiling faces again. I spent the next three hours talking to and playing with the kids from kindergarten to third grade. One of the cutest moments was when I joined the first grade class and they asked why do you have that hat on? I said "I don't have any hair under it. Do you want to see it?" They shouted "yes". I took off the hat and they all wanted to touch my head. So I bent my head over and had 24 different hands rub it....is that good luck for them or me? Adorable. After three fun filled hours it was time to head home. Hugs galore from all the kids. LOVED. MISS THEM TERRIBLY.

The traffic was terrible to get home as it is the first day of a 4 day weekend. I was tired when I got home. I set my alarm and slept 1,5 hours so I could have enough strength for dinner at Stina's house and the neighborhood bonfire and fireworks later on in the evening. Awesome to sleep.

It was 6 p.m. and we walked over to Stina's house. I have boys, she has boys and there were a few friends there too. So the house was filled with boys - good thing they were on the trampoline before dinner and worked out some of their energy. Great dinner and company as usual. Thanks Stina and Alex.

We walked to the bonfire area. The children were lining up a bit away so they could each carry a lit torch to throw on the fire after the procession. It is always kind of cool to watch the procession and then how the kids form a ring around the huge pile of twigs and branches and throw the torches on it. As it quickly flames up, we are all backing away from the heat. As the fire dies out -- the fireworks start. They are always enjoyable to watch. The whole bonfire evening is a fun way to welcome in Spring and to see the neighbors. I might just miss that aspect of Sweden when we move.

Of course, it was really cold tonight and started to rain just before we got home. That is typical Swedish weather - they are even predicting snow for tomorrow-----hahhahaha. It wouldn't surprise me.

Tomorrow will be a day of rest. I promise to myself to try that for a whole day. It just might work.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. BONFIRE. HAPPY STUDENTS. HUGS. KICKING CANCER'S ASS.

A Birthday with Cancer

2014.04.29

Restless night- awoken in the middle of the night by different pings on my phone- the birthday greetings were coming in early. I tried to fall asleep again and managed another few hours.

At 6 am, Sophie was getting a little restless. Get up, put on my jacket, put on her leash and we head out the door for the morning walk. I am half awake. As we near the end of the walk, Sophie spots a pigeon or dove that she decides to chase. Only problem was I was holding on to the flexi-leash when she starts running. I don't have time to think about letting go of the leash and I try to minimize the pain as I fall down to the ground. My knees and palms scraped and huge grass stains on my nice pajamas. Now I was awake. I hobbled home and starting getting the kids up and enjoying all the well wishes that were pinging my phone. LOVED.

The kids got off to school and I was already tired. I got ready for the morning event. A coffee and cake at Charlotte's house with a bunch of other English speaking moms. I was greeted at the door by Charlotte singing Happy Birthday. Awesome. She also makes a mean muffin. I need that recipe.  A really fun morning meeting the other moms. All of us are in different stages with our kids, how quickly we forget what it was like when they were little. Each period in our life is special.

Today I have reflected a little in my moments of peace and quiet between all the fantastic flower deliveries.

Thanks for all the flowers.

Is a Birthday day different than any other day? On Facebook, it is the day each year when you get  tons of greetings from tons of people. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It is a day of reflection where one can look back and see "what have I accomplished this year? or what am I grateful for this year?" It is a day to spend time with the ones who you love and who love you back. The interaction between people -----that is life. It is meant to be CELEBRATED.

Having cancer puts your "real" life on hold and you fall into an alternative reality. How will it be once the cancer is gone? Will I get caught up in life again or will I have learned to smell the flowers along the way?

Bald on my birthday. That's OK. I do not mind the baldness at all. It sometimes feel more uncomfortable for others than for me. By others I mean those that do not know me. I am not shy to talk about the cancer, but many don't know how to respond. Cancer has always been synonymous with death or near death. That is scary for everyone. To be faced with one's own mortality is not something we look forward to ---ever. And why should we? Most of us live our life and get into the routine of doing all those things we think we MUST do.

Dinner with the kids felt empty without Peter here.

Princess tårta is my favorite Swedish cake for my birthday. Today was no exception. Mia and Stina came over after dinner and there were many laughs and some delicious cake enjoyed. I am amazed how quickly the kids come out of their rooms when there is cake involved......

I am grateful for today. I feel loved. I am tired. I turned another year older. It's OK. I appreciate my life and the people in my life. I am bald and...beautiful...(?) 

LOVED. CELEBRATE LIFE. KICK CANCER'S ASS. FRIENDS. FAMILY. BIRTHDAY

Manic Monday

2014.04.28

A beautiful sunny day! Gave myself the first of five shots in the tummy- did it all by myself.

Updated the software to the bookkeeping program.

Then I ate lunch in town at Bistro Burger.

After it was time to head to the eyeglass-contact lens place to sort out some things. I needed to find some sort of sunglasses or clip ons to put over my eyeglasses because I can't wear contact lenses during chemo. It was a sunny day so it was critical. It resulted in me visiting 4 different places and walking quite a bit in the hot sun. Finally I got a clip-on flip up type. They will take some getting used to.

I was really tired when I got home and rested for about 1,5 hours. I really needed that. Then I made myself some dinner and the kids made their own.

Grilled chicken breast, grilled peppers and feta

This is the tired period and I feel it right now. Enough energy for the day and then boom - the tired wave hits and there is no strength left.

I feel good otherwise. Too tired to write more today........

LOVED. GRATEFUL. KICKING ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS.

Storage Sunday

2014.04.27

Awoke early as usual. Did all the usual stuff.

This is what my middle son says when he rubs my bald head........

Today was passed doing the following:

• Talking to mortgage broker, 2 hrs.
• Consolidating storage units, 3 hrs
•  Eating, 2 hours.
• Attempting tax return, 1 hr
• Fixing technology on the mac, too long
• Watching tv, 1 hour
• Uppload pictures of stuff to sell for garage sale, half hour
• Finding quotes for the blog, half hour
• Sending e-mails, 1 hour

SUN shining. Chatting with friends. Tired me. Rest tonight.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. STILL KICKING ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS.

ENERGY is here

2014.04.26

Restless night, trouble falling asleep and then the alarm clock went off too early for my liking on a Saturday morning. We were in a hurry. We had to pick up the rental truck before 8 am to make sure moving of stuff would happen according to schedule.

My pills went done ok. Shower, eat breakfast and we picked up the truck in good time. We headed to the storage unit to do a first run with the big bookcases and furniture that we had put there when the house was on the market. We needed to bring it home so we can have a garage sale in two weeks and get rid of everything. We got the help of Alex to empty the last things at the house. Then it was back to the storage unit to fill up the truck with office furniture to sell to a used furniture place. We got additional help from Anders. Many hands make light work. Home again by 11:30 and we had worked hard. Thanks for the help Alex and Anders.

I was starving. (so much for losing weight) I made some food and then started making my lists in preparation of the coming weeks. It was time for some mental work after the mornings physical work. I got a lot done and it feels good.

The sun was shining and Peter headed out for a run and then was going to see a youth soccer game of friends son. It was great to be out in the sun and just sit on the sidelines and enjoy life. It has been a long time since I have done that and appreciated it. My bald head even got some sunscreen on it. I am more comfortable to just be bald out in public. The hats are just too hot sometimes. Yes, people stare, but I don't care because it is a badge of honor to show that I am a fighter.

Home again and many messages had come in to me from my friends. So heartwarming and feeling loved. It gives me energy and I am grateful. Thanks to all of you that care about me.

Dinner finally was grilled meats and vegetable on skewers. Yum Yum.

I had the company of Stina on my walk with the dog after dinner. Fresh air and catching up on all the things we needed to was awesome. Thanks Stina.

Now I am tired but not sleepy thanks to those steroids.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. FAMILY. SUN. PLANNING. KICKING CANCER'S ASS.

TGIF

2014.04.25

Only up once in the middle of the night. Was tired when I woke up just before the alarm went off. But, today was a hurry up and relax day.  Checked FB and messages from friends that arrived in the middle of the night. Not always having strength to answer right away to all the messages. Up and out with the dog. She is so good and patient. Then take some pills and get the kids up. There was frost on the ground and ice on the windshield.

Ended up driving the kids to the station and to school. I am a nice mom. They were lucky today. Then it was home to shower and get ready for my walk with Petra.

Petra knocked on the door and we were off on a good paced walk talking about everything and laughing most of the way. Great with fresh air. Back from the walk and we had some tea and coffee and she got to taste some cookies..........THANKS Petra.

I ate and snacked the whole day. Got some emails sent, some appointments made for next week, watched some of my favorite British shows and planned for some logistics for the move. I chatted with most of my family in the USA during the day and even got to watch my niece, Katelyn eating a dunkin donut with sprinkles on it because it is her birthday. Torture to watch....

My youngest called and I picked him up from school and then we did a quick trip to the supermarket. It was the first time I didn't have a hat on. Felt good to be bald and not care. I do notice that everyone looks. Also confusing to them that we switch between Swedish and English as we converse with each other.

Home again and he helped to put the groceries away before the others came home from school. All is calm and dinner was eaten with gusto.

Peter is on his way home and that will be good because we have a lot of work to do tomorrow like emptying the storage units and going through more boxes. I will try and pace myself, it will be hard.

LOVED. FAMILY, FRIENDS. WALKS. KICKING ASS. GRATEFUL.

APPLE STORE DAY

2014.04.24

Awake before the alarm clock today and I am not surprised. Those steroids are really fun. But, I have at least slept through the night. Took my pills today after I came in from walking the dog.  It was a beautiful morning.

I got the kids up and they did a pretty good job of getting ready and everyone made it to school on time. So by 8 a.m., I  am eating my bowl of cheerios and drinking my cranberry juice and sitting in front of the TV watching some junk.

Peter is meeting a builder at the new house in London and calls me after with the update. Our renovation plans might be a bit delayed because the builder is not available until August and I probably won’t have the strength to pick everything out on a possible 2 day visit to London in June.  It would be hard to pick out hardwood flooring, all fixtures in the house, kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, wall and ceiling colors in just two days. It feels overwhelming so it might be better to take it easy with the renovations and pick everything out in peace and quiet in August.

I went out with Sophie just before I left for my appointment at the Apple Store so I can get help to get my recovered photos into the IPhoto app. Well, who knew it would be such a complicated process.

Today’s blog is being written at the Apple Store where I have spent the last 8,5 hours trying to get my photos updated and into IPhoto.

At the Apple store I have spent my time today with copying over from the recovered external hard drive to the newly purchased external hard drive so I would have a back up. (took 3 hours) Then I needed to update the operating system to Maverick and then I needed to update to the latest IPhoto. (took 2 hours). Then of course the IPhoto library was damaged so the solution was to drag all the pictures over and create a new library. So far one hour has gone by and about 5000 pictures have been transferred and only 10000 are left……who knows how long this will take? At least they are all really nice here. This morning the guy helping me said ok this could take a while, how much time do you have? I replied I have all day, I have cancer!

They even watched my computer when I went down to eat lunch. Otherwise I have been sitting on this chair for more than 8 hours and I can see that this place is hopping with people that need help.

I have not had much time to think today. I feel good physically and that is a relief. I have been surfing on my iphone and have read all the news that I could find. Clicking on Facebook is boring if you do it every 10 minutes. The kids are home and fending for themselves now. Good thing they are old enough to take care of themselves now in a responsible manner.

This is not how I planned to spend the day but hey there are worse places to be than here at the Apple Store.

It my bad mood gone? Maybe, things always look better the next day. My tolerance level  is so low that any sort of little setback seems like a huge setback. I have to realize that and try not to let myself get worked up over the little things. Of course, that is easier said than done.

LOVED. APPLE STORE. FRIENDS. FAMILY. KICKING CANCER’S ASS. PHOTOS. MEMORIES.

CHEMO #4

2014.04.23

Slept through the night! Yippee considering that today I start taking the steroids again. The down feeling from yesterday was still with me. We had hoped for 100% but only got 90%. That last 10% I want out too --it will just take a bit longer.  But as many of my friends pointed out to get 90% out means the medicine is working and the last 10% should be killed by the next three treatments.

Took my pills and then chatted on FB as I lay in bed. My chemo didn't start until 1 pm today so I had the morning to lounge about and get some stuff done.

I had made a call yesterday to our insurance company to inquire about the repayment of our cancelled trip due to my cancer. They were supposed to call back by 9 am. Well, they didn't so I called them and got to talk to the person in charge of our claim. I was so totally pissed off and frustrated because it has gone almost 2 months and they should have paid out. They were nonchalant and their mails had not reached me like she claims. Finally, me almost crying from frustration and their stupidity, she all of a sudden could make the payment today. This is not how it should be and I told her I hope they change their routine so no one has to experience what I did.

So the combination of the steroids, the bad feeling from yesterday and my "discussion" with the insurance company I was in a really bad mood. And that was not how I should be going into the chemo. Now I was frustrated that I was in a bad mood but couldn't get rid of it so easily.

I looked up in the Urban dictionary online (fun but not real, I realize it) the word shithead after I got off the phone with the girl from the insurance company. This is what I got:

shithead

A complete dumbass; a genuine moron. Someone who has committed an act in which causes harm or temporary discomfort to another.

 Then I started to laugh and have fun when I found this:

ass

(_!_) = Normal Ass

(__!__) = Big Ass

(!) = Tight Ass

(_?_) = Dumb Ass

(_E=MC2_) = Smart Ass

(_$_) = Rich Ass

(_x_) = Kiss My Ass

(_X_) = Get Off My Ass 

I have been up with my attitude for 62 days, so a bad mood was bound to happen. It should be gone by tomorrow.....

We arrived at the hospital with time to spare. In the waiting room I put my headphones in and put on the Kick ass play list to try and break the bad mood. I zoned out for 15 minutes and that helped a little bit.

A saving grace was my nurse Anna. She gave me a big hug after I gave her the cookies. That felt good to make her happy. She took off the bandage covering my central line and I closed my eyes because I do not want to see it. Then she started gently cleaning the area and was so caring. That moved my heart. When I finally opened my eyes she had cleaned the area and put in the needle. It hurt a little. I finally looked at it and it didn't look like I thought it would. It is operated in under my skin so you don't see it and the only thing I saw was the needle sticking out with the tubes attached. She noticed that I wasn't my perky usual self and asked if there was anything she could do. That meant a lot.

The treatment today was super quick compared to previous times. Hooked up and chemo started at 1:15 and I was done by 4:15. Only 3 hours. That is good. But it also means that the almost 2 liters of medicine that they pumped in to me makes me feel tired and like the liquids are up to my eyeballs.

We were home by 5 pm and Peter had time to make dinner for us before he left just after 6 pm to catch a plane to London so he can work a little bit in the office this week.

I went for a slow walk with Sophie and it almost felt like the liquid medicine was sloshing around inside of me. The fresh air was good after spending the afternoon in the hospital.

Today during treatment feeling nauseous for the first time and don't know if it's because of my bad mood or the chemo. I think I will take a pill for it so I don't have to feel worse than I already do.

Home now and feeling tired so I am going to try and sleep and get rid of this bad mood! One thing that is helping it go away is the constant contact from my friends and family checking in on me. Without that support, I would be lost. GRATEFUL.

LOVED. (_E=MC2_). GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. CHEMO #4. BIG ASS KICKING. FAMILY.

90% of mass decreased

2014.04.22

Awoke at 5:45 am when the alarm went off but I didn't fall asleep until 2 am so a bit out of sorts when I woke up.

I got ready to go. We got the kids up and told them they needed to leave the house at the right time to get to school as we had to leave earlier to get the lab in time. They did it.

We arrived at the hospital and I got ticket number 1 for the lab. Good- the results would be done by the time we met the doctor. The lab nurse took my blood and sent it off for analysis. Now we had to wait two hours until the doctors appointment. I had forgotten to eat breakfast so I ordered 3 Swedish pancakes and ate them with no problem at all. Then Peter and I went up to the Hematology waiting room which is usually much calmer. We passed the time and then it was our turn. The doctor was a new one for us. It is the third doctor I have had appointments with.

We came into his office and sat down. I let him tell us about the results of the cat scan. I had been counting on it being 100% gone and anything less was going to be a disappointment. The mass has decreased by 90% in terms of area. That is good. My blood results were great! We talked about the next three treatments and then what tests will be done at the end to make sure that it is gone. The tests will be a pet scan and a cat scan. And I told him I want the central line taken out too. All of this should be done before we go to the USA on Midsummer weekend. I will do my part to make sure it happens.

Home again to eat some leftovers. Peter started working again and I sat on the chair and watched/slept through a TV show or two. By the time the kids came home we had made a few plans for the London house and this house in preparation for the move.

Dinner was easy and then Peter headed off to the dump to get rid of some of the junk we have accumulated.

Now it is chocolate chip cookie making so the nurses are happy tomorrow. My two youngest helped this time with the baking. (I think it is because they like licking the bowl after)

Wow, no line at the dump, Peter is back already! The smell of the cookies is filling the house. I think I have done enough for today.

Tomorrow it starts all over again. Only 3 more times. I am halfway there. Why am I so tired? Physically I can handle it, it is the mental part that is worrying........but I will handle it thanks to my family and friends.

LOVED. 90%. REAL GONE. CHEMO. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FRIENDS. FAMILY.

Melancholy Monday

2014.04.21

Awoke at 5:30 am, got up and visited the little girl's room and then fell asleep until 8:45 am. Not bad. Some of my friends were worried when they hadn't heard from me in the morning. Took my pills, ate some breakfast and then tried to watch some TV.

The kids got up in time for lunch. I had made myself two eggs and some bacon for a mid morning snack. The day felt long already by 1 pm. I didn't feel tired but I just didn't have any energy to do anything today.

Peter changed the tires on both cars, we chatted with the neighbors and I sat on the front lawn enjoying the sun and throwing the Frisbee for Sophie to catch. She enjoyed being out in the sun too. We had brought out the outdoor furniture and I saw that they needed to be oiled. It was on my list of things to do.

I am nervous for the results of the cat scan test tomorrow when I go to the doctors. It is what it is but in the times of letting my mind wander it sure does wonder how it will turn out.......

So, I decided that I felt like eating out tonight but as this is Sweden and it is the day after Easter, the stores were closing at 6 pm and the restaurants at 7 pm in Täby Centrum. So at 5 pm it was a quick dash to Vapianos for some Italian food. It is now painful to eat most foods. My mouth is sore and hard to open so I eat slowly and try to ignore the discomfort. But my hungry stomach usually convinces my head and mouth to go along with this torture....

It was pasta, cappuccino and even a little Tiramasu. When we got home I had some energy and the setting sun was warm and inviting so I decided to oil the chairs and the table. I spent almost an hour to oil in the 10 chairs and the long table. I needed to do it and I am only going to get weaker, so today was the day. It felt good to get something done today.

Friends and family checked in on me today and that always feel good. It lets me know that they care and that I am loved. And the reminders usually come just when I need them.......

Big day tomorrow for blood work and cat scan test results at the doctor. Up early tomorrow to be there in time. Gotta write down my list of questions for the doctor.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. KICKING SOME ASS. FAMILY. HALFWAY.

Easter Sunday

2014.04.20

YES, you guessed it. I awoke before the alarm clock but at least I had slept through the night. I took Sophie out to the woods for her morning rituals and then we came back in and I made myself a big bowl of cereal. Everyone else was asleep. The silence was deafening but peaceful.

Jenny and I had stayed up late last night and stuffed 85 small plastic Easter eggs with jelly beans and chocolate so the kids could do the annual Easter Egg Hunt this morning.

85 small eggs...filled with jelly beans or chocolate.....

The kids finally woke up and they knew the rules. Eat breakfast, get dressed and everyone has to be ready at the same time. There are no good pictures from them finding the eggs because it happened so fast. I have never seen them move so fast. 

This year's weather was so different from last year when there was at least a foot of snow covering the ground and our friends were visiting from the USA.

The children found their eggs and gathered around the kitchen table to see what they got. A little bit of trading went on between them but for the most part they were quite happy.

Then we started to pack up the house so we could get home to start emptying the storage units and getting rid of some stuff before we move. I spent about two hours going through boxes and throwing out papers from 1992-1996. Why had I even saved them in the first place?  I did find Peter's dance card to the dance school we went to before we got married.........I am saving that memento.

Dinner was grilled marinated chicken breasts that tasted great fresh off the grill. I am tired today but not exhausted at least. Those white blood cells are increasing.......

So many thoughts going on in my head. It is hard for anyone else to understand the range of thoughts that fly past my brain. Positive thoughts that the tumor is getting smaller, everything will be ok to what if it's not working, my life is forever changed by this, I am a changed person, true friends show themselves in times of crisis, what is important in life, will I really live to a ripe old age, must do all the things that are important to me and are meaningful too.  Sometimes it is like a speeding freight train barreling down the tracks heading for........who knows what?

I have the support of family of friends and that really is keeping me going. GRATEFUL.

LOVED. KICKING KICKING KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FRIENDS. FAMILY. EASTER EGG HUNT.