Sophie's Bucket List

Monday October 5, 2015

I started exploring the idea of getting a family dog back in 2008. I grew up with a dog and I knew that a dog is an important part of the family.

Traveling in style through Europe.

Having three boys, I saw this also as my opportunity to get a girl and give her the name I would have used if I had a daughter: Sophie.

The only dog for us was a Labrador because of how good they are with children. It was to be a new family member. I emailed all the kennels in Sweden that were due to have puppies and then finally found her at Kullaholm’s Kennel in Motala.

Sophie was one of 9 puppies born on April 8, 2009. Her parents were champions and she has a pedigree. All the dogs in the litter were to have names from Star Wars and we could pick her “official” name. It seemed like providence because at that time (and still today) my kids love Star Wars. We chose the name Padme.  Yes, two of her brothers are called Chewbacca and Hans Solo.

We made two visits to Motala to see the puppies before we actually got to take her home. It was an exciting time to be with those puppies. The kennel owner asked us if we were going to hunt with her or if she would be a family dog and she chose Sophie for us. A perfect match.

We picked her up in June 2009. It was a heartwarming experience to drive there and then be responsible for a dog that was so cute and new. She mastered peeing and pooping outside within a few days. Already we knew what a special dog she was.

Learning –At dog obedience school she didn’t listen to me. I sent Peter next time and was devastated when he came home with her and she listened to him and his deep voice.

Her gentleness with the boys, tolerant of their love as they have been growing up alongside her – it’s amazing. She sees them each as individuals and knows how each one is pleased.

She doesn’t listen to me as much as she listens to Peter but her and I share a different bond. We were friends from the beginning. She looked out for me and I looked out for her.

I always hurried home from work during lunch hour to take her out. Ended up starting my own business and she was with me at work during the 3 years that I had my premises, being in the office, just enjoying being nearby.

She travelled with us to the north of Sweden and Norway. She hiked in the mountains and drank from a natural spring when she was just a puppy.

When we left the country to visit relatives the first time, she stayed in a kennel. When we picked her up that is when I first heard the comment that she is the best dog ever. They didn’t want to let her go and looked forward to seeing her next time.

Once people met her and her gentle ways they were hooked. So after a while friends and relatives were practically fighting over who would have her if we went on vacation.

Two years ago around this time she started doing something to me that I thought was different and strange but it all made sense a few months later. Since she was little, I never let her lick my face. The kids let her do it but I didn’t enjoy that. So it was strange when I would be sitting on the couch and she would put her paws on my lap and then her nose right next to my mouth (without licking me) and she smelled my breath. She did it a few times a week in the coming months.

It all made sense when three months later I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  She had smelled the changes in me before I knew what was going on because of her acute sense of smell. She was worried that something would happen to her provider.

August 2014 - moving to England

All during my treatment she was by my side and didn’t really expect much. She took care of me. I took her on walks all through my chemo and enjoyed her companionship.

We moved to England last summer and she followed along with us of course.

Sophie was just a little too big to go as airfreight so she got driven from Sweden to England by an animal courier and stayed in hotels (on the bed) through Europe.

Sophie sleeping in our room on her orthopedic bed. Comfy.

Walking the canals

She has adjusted pretty well to living here. She doesn’t really like the sounds of the mopeds or motorcycles backfiring but she has been able to explore her near surroundings and come along on our hikes outside of London. She has even been to a few pubs in England.  Everywhere we go people stop and pet her and say she is a fine dog with a beautiful shiny black coat.

Enjoying an Area of Natural Beauty in England

Last May she joined in on our holiday with 5 other families to Tenby, Wales. Her friend, Domino was also along. The house was set on the beach and Sophie enjoyed taking swims, running with Domino and being with all the kids. Sophie even managed to make a new friend in Pien who was scared of dogs. By the end of the weekend, Sophie listened to everything Pien said. Heartwarming! A friend to all!

Pien has Sophie's full attention.

Domino and Sophie hangin' in Wales

Dipping my toes in Wales.

This summer just before we were to leave to drive to Sweden, Peter hurt his leg and didn’t think he could drive all the way to Sweden. We debated between flying to Sweden for the vacation or driving at this point. The factor that won out was that I didn’t want to leave her behind. The car ride was grueling for all of us but she enjoyed being free in the Swedish countryside.

Sophie enjoying the Swedish Summer

The past few months we have noticed a limp in her right front leg after being out for a walk and playing fetch with the tennis ball. It was only sometimes and ever so slight, so we thought it was a pulled muscle. We rested her for a couple of weeks from playing fetch and too much strenuous exercise.

My parents came for a visit about two weeks ago. We took a walk with Sophie to Chiswick House and I threw the ball for her maybe 5 or 6 times and she started to limp almost right away. We sat and ate lunch at the cafe for an hour. We had thought to continue our walk to the Thames and then home but Sophie limped directly upon starting out from the cafe. It was at this point that I realized this was something serious and we needed to take her to the vet.

The local vet examined her and ran through the possible scenarios and suggested an x-ray in his office the following week. Nothing showed up there, so the next step was a referral to the Orthopedic vet at Davies Veterinary Specialists which is one of the largest and most diverse small animal veterinary referral centres in Europe.  I went to their Hyde Park office with Sophie last Thursday.

I had to leave her there for her tests on Friday at their specialist centre 2 hours outside of London.

Friday afternoon I got the first call from the vet after the MRI, CT scan, biopsy and blood tests were done.  There was a swollen gland that is a tumor and which has caused the muscle atrophy on her front right side.  The doctor said it looks like LYMPHOMA but the exact type would have to be determined by analysis of the biopsy sample.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? LYMPHOMA IN THE SAME SPOT AS ME?????? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN TO THE WORLD’S BEST DOG?

She needed to stay at the vet until Monday, as the pet ambulance doesn’t drive on weekends. This has given me 3 days to cry, cry, cry and formulate a way to make the most of her time both for her and for us. I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I am losing a friend.

She has once again shown us just as all dogs do - that each day is meant to be treasured and lived to its fullest. So easily we lose sight of that fact. THANK YOU SOPHIE for being the BEST DOG EVER.

I picked her up today and we took a taxi home in the rain.  She has been crying since she came home. Doesn’t sit in one spot for too long and is nervous in pain.  Happy to see me but not really acting like herself. 

Playing very gently on the rug this afternoon

Even through all this pain she is still wagging her tail. She is the best at tail wagging -Never been anyone better.

How to get through this valuable and cherished time together????

Sophie’s Bucket List.

This is the start of the list……

Swim in the English Channel (or just dip my paws in)

Swim in the Thames (definitely just dip my paws in)

Eat popcorn

Run in Hyde Park

Catch the squirrel in the park

Sleep in Mommy’s bed

Family portraits

Get lucky with getting my favorite table food (cheese, chicken, fish)

Today we jogged a little bit in Hyde Park so that is one thing off the list.

Over the coming days and weeks I will be blogging and instagramming about Sophie, the best dog ever. (@5swedes)  I need something to keep me going because the ache in my heart is huge and getting bigger each day.  #Sophie #BestDogEver #SophiesBucketList #SophieGroupie

HEARTBROKEN. 

GRATEFUL. 

BEST DOG EVER. 

FRIENDS. 

LOYAL. 

UNIQUE.  

SOPHIE. 

CANCER SUCKS.

A year survived...changes, friends, family

2015.06.24

June is always a month of changes. The days are longer, the school year is ending, people moving. I have been so lucky this year to have been accepted into the new school community. My children have made friends in their classes and are happy campers. That is such a huge relief.

Taking the time to appreciate all the good things is a good exercise because then all those things that are stressing me become manageable.

Reflection on just how far I have come in the past year gets me teary eyed.

• NO HAIR - Hair (that is slightly more curly than I would have liked)
• FANTASTIC FRIENDS - EVEN MORE FANTASTIC FRIENDS
• STOCKHOLM - LONDON
• FATIGUE - LESS FATIGUE
• Not so many visitors - LOTS AND LOTS OF VISITORS....and more to come....
• LOT OF NEW TRAVEL EXPERIENCES in London and abroad 

It is now a year since I got the all clear from the doctor.

My energy is returning, I think, but I need to really balance it with living life now.

A few weeks ago, I tested that energy level to the max and I realized I might have been overdoing it. Why????? Because I can see that I don't really know how much time is left and I want to make sure I am living life to the fullest each and every day.

In the space of a week, I was out every night, doing something every day and not resting at all. By day 7, I was really feeling the exhaustion. (I had laughed a lot, eaten a lot, drank a little, tried a lot of new things and saw a lot of new places) Then it hit me that I need to balance the "normal" daily life with all these exciting things too.

Each step of this journey of life means learning something new both about myself and my surroundings. Overwhelming to say the least.

June means that any expats that are leaving do so during this month. It makes you stop and think about all the fun times and looking forward to the next school year and that this will be different come September. This is sad. This year has been fantastic because of all the new people who took me in and accepted me and my family. It really has made the difference. Big thanks to Avery.....

Avery and I at Royal Ascot

Of course, all that good stuff is logically (?) balanced with the underlying fears that I am pretty sure everyone who has had cancer faces: RELAPSE.    

This feeling of what if.....creeps into the quiet moments (thus easier to be busy all the time). I have some changes to my body that worry me and of course when you google you can make it be the worst case scenario. Are the changes the result of the cancer, the result of the chemo, the result of a relapse, the result of too much exercise or just the result of getting older?  Do I want to call the doctor now or wait until my appointment in August?  

I just want to live my life. No more complications. Let me get used to the new me. Is that too much to ask?

BE BRAVE. LOVE LIFE. LIVE LIFE. 

Getting used to the new me.

2015.05.30

Well, it's been a few months since I have written on the blog. I have been trying to live my life to the fullest and at the same time learning about the new me and adapting to everything around me. It has made it a little crazy. I have also turned 50. I had a fantastic party and celebration.

This past Thursday was a year since my last chemo. Yesterday was a year since the movers came and packed up our stuff for our move to London. What a year it has been.

Flowers for my birthday....

I have done absolutely amazing, fantastic things in the last year since the suitcases have been packed up. I made made new friends in a new city, made lifelong friends in the new city, experienced things throughout Europe. I have really taken the time to enjoy life even though simmering in the background is the fact that I can't do the things I used to do and I am a different person. My attention span is terrible. I can't concentrate to get all my work done. So the happiness and the joy is always balanced out by the frustration of the new reality. Luckily, family and friends make it possible for me to be more accepting of the new me and everything that life has to offer. I can't say that I have anything to complain about. I am not really a complainer. But, I do know that there is always room for improvement of the new me.

April meant seeing the Oxford-Cambridge Boat Races, getting the all clear on the 9-month check up at the Royal Marsden Hospital in London. Marcus turning 15. Sophie turning 6 and celebrating life.

April 2015 all clear after 9 months.......

I am just loving the experiences that I am having, the people that I am meeting and the great weather in London.

I am really good at delaying getting anything off my list completed. I would much rather meet friends or go for a walk with Sophie in the park. June 1st is the start of a month of getting on track again and getting to the point of enjoying life without something hanging over my head undone. I have started to read the book by Marie Kondo called "The Life-changing Magic of Tidying". Clear out the clutter and live the life that I dream of. Totally enjoying reading it and looking forward to putting it into practice. It is almost a must here as the houses are so small compared to what we are used to.

Good Friends make loving life easy!

That's a lot of candles!

Celebrating with the London gang on the actual day...

My 50th birthday celebration was exactly what I needed. It was celebrated with people that mean a lot to me and we just enjoyed each other's company. It was a fantastic weekend. Marie and John came from the USA. Mia, Åke, Eva-Karin, Göte, Helena, Petra, Martin, Annica, Stina and Alex came from Sweden. All my London friends joined in too. I feel that my friends have also taken a look at their lives and now enjoy celebrating all of the great times in their lives too. My motto BE BRAVE LOVE LIFE and I got bracelets made for all those that attended this amazing day. It's just a reminder that Life is pretty great when we think about it.

Mia, Helena, Me and Eva-Karin

Mia and I

Stina and I

Annica, Petra and I

I had a fantastic girl's weekend in Stockholm a few weeks later showing the London girls around. Mia joined us the first night and shared some of those typical Swedish customs that I had forgotten. I am so lucky to have Mia as my friend. I am so lucky to have all my friends.

Last weekend was a long weekend in the UK so 29 of us Londoners went to Wales and rented a big ol' house by the sea and had the most fabulous time ever. Memories for life!

S'mores at the Waterwynch House

Domino and 

To each and every one of you!

So, the new me is ok. I do what I can. Try and not get too irritated over what I can't do. I take every opportunity to BE BRAVE and LOVE LIFE each and every day. (still trying to figure out if I am going to get a tattoo.....)

FRIENDS. FAMILY. LOVED. 
KICKED CANCER'S BUTT. 
WALES. STOCKHOLM. LONDON.
BE BRAVE. LOVE LIFE.

Coping after Cancer: ostrich, simple, find a way

2015.03.26
Thursday

The Ostrich's methods of putting their head in the sand to avoid danger is an urban myth. But, it presents a great metaphor of the feeling that I have had the last year to be able to cope with all of the pressures of just getting through each day.

 As the chemo fog starts to lift a little bit at a time I can look back and I realize that my coping and survival method was to just get by with my head in the sand. Everything that I do now after cancer takes a lot more energy, every decision I make depletes my finite source of energy. So, don't ask me so many questions you already know the answer to......

I am a changed person and I am not always liking the new me, but I am learning to live the new life.

I make a written or a mental list each day of the things that need to be done. The majority of times something gets in the way or makes ticking an item off the list impossible.  If this happens too many times, my energy is gone. Frustration sets in. My level of patience decreases and I become irritable and short-tempered. Not so fun for me or the people around me when I can't explain why something seemingly so easy to do is nearly impossible for me at those times.

I have been taking each day as it comes. Checking off one or two things on my list and adding about 30 each day. Seems insurmountable at times.

Building up my energy is done by being with family and friends in a new or different environment. Thankfully we had a vacation to Mauritius in February. It was the first time we could get away and just enjoy being with each other since our cancelled trip last year when I got the cancer. Our trip had its challenges though as the first 24 hours were spent at the Gatwick Hilton because the plane was delayed one day. I was fuming because 15th of February 2014 was when I felt the cancer on my neck and the week I got diagnosed and now one year later, Thomson is giving us a shorter vacation. We made the best of it. It is not easy to shake off those pissed off feelings, it took a couple of days and a few Rum and lemon juice drinks.

Frustrations:
Working out and eating well for 5 months and only losing 17 pounds.
Getting blood work done and supplements recommended from an alternative health place. (then being told by the GP that they could have done that for free)
Stressing about eating well
Not sleeping enough
Government authorities not understanding that I am getting things done as fast as I can.
Jumping through hoops to get my referral and translated medical reports submitted to get an appointment at the Royal Marsden for follow-up care.

Positives (now the fog is clearing):
I have submitted the annual report for my business and mostly cleared up any misunderstandings
Friends visiting from Sweden and getting to spend time with them and see new places in London
Discussion are in the works to sell my company in Sweden
I have a Fitbit Charge HR that helps me focus on eating and exercise
More friends are on the way to visit in the coming months (planning for their visit...)
Half-Century of living is coming up soon and I'm enjoying planning to celebrate that
Our cleaning ladies make my life a little easier (after 10 years of talking about getting some help)
Put an offer on a house
Peter doing the London to Paris Bike ride for Lymphoma Research
Eating more of a Mediterranean diet and trying to let go of the stress.
Intensive Spanish week coming up so the kids can practice their Spanish

MY FOCUS is to keep it simple (when I am not complicating things):

Sleep at least 7 hours a night
Eat well
Enjoy life
Drink more water
Hug the kids and hubby more than they want

Grateful to be alive. YES. Grateful for family. YES. Grateful for friends. YES. Grateful for living in London. YES. Grateful for sunny days. YES. Grateful for new adventures. YES. 

Just mulling over if I really want to get that 

tattoo.........BE BRAVE LOVE LIFE. 

Maybe it should be a present to myself? It can't possibly hurt more than Olga and the bone marrow test? How big should the writing be? Is writing with permanent marker the same thing?

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

2015.02.15

SUNDAY

It has been exactly one year today that I looked in the mirror and saw that my neck looked funny. That is a moment that I will not ever forget. It meant that the following five days were tests, questions and then a diagnosis on the 20th. holy crap.

I still remember that feeling of disbelief as Mia and I walked out of the doctor's office. I was cursing and in shock. How I managed to get through it all the way to today is really a mystery to me. I had no choice really because I love life too much to do anything else but fight it (that darn cancer).

To celebrate life and because I am in remission, we are heading this afternoon to a warmer climate with some sun, beach and relaxation. It is a well deserved time for me and the rest of the family. I really need to recharge my batteries and just enjoy myself. Going to make some happy memories.

There is a spa at the resort and I have already decided that I am going to do a different treatment each day, just because I am worth it.

The days before a trip always result in me trying to think of everything and then pack for all possibilities for all of us. This time a round I am still trying to think of everything but I am sure that I have forgotten something. (even though I have made numerous lists and then forgotten where I put them) I am exhausted but can breathe out once we have checked the luggage in and are sitting on the plane.

This year compared to last year:

I put myself first now.
I try to simplify everything I do.
I appreciate everything I see, every chance meeting I make, every raindrop and rainbow.
I look in the mirror.
I feel confident enough to cast away that niggling feeling that the cancer is going to come back and
I just enjoy life each day.
My definition of "enjoying life" has changed since last year.
I take selfies. (and I think it's fun too)
I exercise often, eat well and have cut out almost all processed foods.
I only hang out with people that give me energy.
I have some scars on the outside that add to my character.
I still believe I can do anything as long as I set my mind to it.
I appreciate all the doctors and nurses who cared and all the scientists who researched R-CHOP.
I feel thankful and overwhelmed by all the people in my life.

The new me is still taking some getting used to by me, by Peter and by everyone else. (It's harder for them than it is for me.)

365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, many tears but oh so much more laughter during this time.

Now it is time for sun, sand, spa and just relaxation.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FAMILY. FRIENDS. KICKED CANCER'S ASS. LOVING LIFE. LIVING LIFE.