Coping after Cancer: ostrich, simple, find a way

2015.03.26
Thursday

The Ostrich's methods of putting their head in the sand to avoid danger is an urban myth. But, it presents a great metaphor of the feeling that I have had the last year to be able to cope with all of the pressures of just getting through each day.

 As the chemo fog starts to lift a little bit at a time I can look back and I realize that my coping and survival method was to just get by with my head in the sand. Everything that I do now after cancer takes a lot more energy, every decision I make depletes my finite source of energy. So, don't ask me so many questions you already know the answer to......

I am a changed person and I am not always liking the new me, but I am learning to live the new life.

I make a written or a mental list each day of the things that need to be done. The majority of times something gets in the way or makes ticking an item off the list impossible.  If this happens too many times, my energy is gone. Frustration sets in. My level of patience decreases and I become irritable and short-tempered. Not so fun for me or the people around me when I can't explain why something seemingly so easy to do is nearly impossible for me at those times.

I have been taking each day as it comes. Checking off one or two things on my list and adding about 30 each day. Seems insurmountable at times.

Building up my energy is done by being with family and friends in a new or different environment. Thankfully we had a vacation to Mauritius in February. It was the first time we could get away and just enjoy being with each other since our cancelled trip last year when I got the cancer. Our trip had its challenges though as the first 24 hours were spent at the Gatwick Hilton because the plane was delayed one day. I was fuming because 15th of February 2014 was when I felt the cancer on my neck and the week I got diagnosed and now one year later, Thomson is giving us a shorter vacation. We made the best of it. It is not easy to shake off those pissed off feelings, it took a couple of days and a few Rum and lemon juice drinks.

Frustrations:
Working out and eating well for 5 months and only losing 17 pounds.
Getting blood work done and supplements recommended from an alternative health place. (then being told by the GP that they could have done that for free)
Stressing about eating well
Not sleeping enough
Government authorities not understanding that I am getting things done as fast as I can.
Jumping through hoops to get my referral and translated medical reports submitted to get an appointment at the Royal Marsden for follow-up care.

Positives (now the fog is clearing):
I have submitted the annual report for my business and mostly cleared up any misunderstandings
Friends visiting from Sweden and getting to spend time with them and see new places in London
Discussion are in the works to sell my company in Sweden
I have a Fitbit Charge HR that helps me focus on eating and exercise
More friends are on the way to visit in the coming months (planning for their visit...)
Half-Century of living is coming up soon and I'm enjoying planning to celebrate that
Our cleaning ladies make my life a little easier (after 10 years of talking about getting some help)
Put an offer on a house
Peter doing the London to Paris Bike ride for Lymphoma Research
Eating more of a Mediterranean diet and trying to let go of the stress.
Intensive Spanish week coming up so the kids can practice their Spanish

MY FOCUS is to keep it simple (when I am not complicating things):

Sleep at least 7 hours a night
Eat well
Enjoy life
Drink more water
Hug the kids and hubby more than they want

Grateful to be alive. YES. Grateful for family. YES. Grateful for friends. YES. Grateful for living in London. YES. Grateful for sunny days. YES. Grateful for new adventures. YES. 

Just mulling over if I really want to get that 

tattoo.........BE BRAVE LOVE LIFE. 

Maybe it should be a present to myself? It can't possibly hurt more than Olga and the bone marrow test? How big should the writing be? Is writing with permanent marker the same thing?

Six month check-up.....focused

2015.01.15

Thursday

Well, I am doing great on all my New Year's Resolutions except one. (that would be the one where I update the blog at least every second or third day.................)

I am not perfect, so suffice to say that this one will be a reflection on the first two weeks of this year 2015. A new start.

I am trying and have truly succeeded in doing something,  learning something or visiting somewhere new each day. Every day so far has brought revelation and appreciation for that day's activity. (not always remembering

I love living in London. I appreciate all my new friends. I love having visitors and showing them around. I saw another famous person at the local cafe and even talked to him. I am busting my butt at the gym, eating well and loving life most every hour of every day.

A fun time was had by all.

I will not write about the things that I should have done. I am slowly but surely getting those things off my list.

OK, so we need to take down the Christmas tree. I need to organize a little more. I need to put my clothes into the closet after they have been folded. All very meaningless tasks in the big scheme of things. Hakuna Matata.

Love the creative parking.

My in-laws were here for a weekend just less than four days after my parents left. We celebrated Reinhold's 70th birthday in style: Lion King, dinner the next night and walks around town. Honored that he wanted to celebrate it with us. 

Tomorrow I head to Sweden because I have my 6-month check up on Monday and removal of my central line on Tuesday right after I get my haircut at SOUL. (curls be gone.....)

My anxiety level is not as bad as it was last time. I am just living my life the best I can and will deal with whatever the doctor says on Monday.

I am flying first class. (OK, not really, it will just feel like that because I will be flying without the rest  of the family....) Just going to chill. Not bringing my computer. Face to face conversations with friends will be like winning the lottery.

I did win the lottery. I kicked cancer's butt. I have family and friends who tolerate love me. 

BE BRAVE. LOVE LIFE. (thinking about getting my tattoo in February.....)

I LOVE LONDON

2014.04.03

Awoke in London well rested. I woke up before the alarm clock and got up to take my shot out of the fridge. Showered and dressed a half hour later it was time for the big test of me giving myself the shot without supervision. IT WORKED. I DID IT.

 

By 7:30 we were out the door and I walked Peter to work today. We walked over Southwark Bridge and East along the Thames to just before the Tower Bridge. I got to follow Peter up to the office and meet a few of his workmates. Excellent.

 

Then in the middle of rush hour on the tube, I had to make my way a half hour west of the city. As I entered the tube station I put my germ mask on. I was a bit self-conscious and breathing heavily so my glasses were fogging. The first 3 stops we were packed into the train like sardines. I was barely breathing. When I changed to a different line it was much better and with less people. Every single second of being on the train and wearing the mask made me think about how I have cancer. It was weird because I don't usually do that.  I survived the tube ride and it felt good to take off the mask when I got onto the street.

 

 

I looked at the first house for more than an hour and tried to imagine how we can make it ours. It looks promising. I then met my good friend, Pearl for lunch at the pub which hopefully will be our local pub once we move. It was a great time. THANKS PEARL.

 

Me and Pearl

I took a walk around the area and saw the local sights trying to imagine it as if I was living there. I really felt that I could fit in here. I stopped at a Starbucks to get a little drink and to rest my weary feet.

After a long day it was time for the journey on the tube back to the city. The return trip was a lot better. I was more confident and have learned how to breath with that mask on. Back at the apartment I started figuring out where we could eat out. Peter came home and we discussed the house plans and then we walked to a nice Italian restaurant a few blocks away. I love the buzz of activity that is evident everywhere. A real living city.

Tomorrow will be a few more houses to look at and then it's back to Stockholm to prepare for next weeks chemo #3.

GRATEFUL. LOVED. LONDON. TUBE. KICK CANCER'S ASS. FRIENDS. LAUGHS.