WAITING FOR RESULTS???????????

2014.03.05

Today was supposed to be the day for all the answers.

It started well with one of my morning chats with Carla. Her words to me "OK, so whatever the news you have an army of family and friends behind you" That is a good answer for today. It gives me comfort. She sent me a picture from when we were teenagers and life was good and easy and carefree. Those were the days.

Colleen, Me and Carla

Sitting in the doctor's office with Peter this morning we were full of expectations to get the party started.

The doctor starts out by asking if the tumor had gotten any bigger and made my breathing worse. No, I said I was getting used to it. Then he went on to say that all the results of the tests are not totally done so they could not present a definite staging of this cancer. Preliminarily it looks like a Stage 1.

OK, so now I asked again - a stage 1 - that is a relief. I tune out a little just trying to focus on that but not liking the uncertainty due to the lack of the results. My brain moved into an alternate universe as the doctor says that chemo would not start tomorrow but on MONDAY. 

Brain not fully reacting.  Chemo is what I am waiting for and now it is another four days away. I am still calm and accepting of this in my head though, weird. I am starting to feel like the frog above.

Then the doctor starts talking about the scheduling of the treatments as starting on Monday and being given every two weeks. They will be given 6 to 8 times. (which means the last one would be around June 16th.) I am thinking of the summer get together with my family and if my body will allow me to make that trip. OK trying to see the good.

Now it is time to inform me about all the medicines that he is writing a presciption for. Peter and I are both taking notes of the names and days and times that each of the different medicines are to be taken. Writing it down, understanding a little, realizing that the waiting game has just been started again. shit, shit, shit, shock, calm, shit, calm, shit, calm

As we come to what we think is the end of the visit, the doctor prints out the results he had gotten from the CAT scan. I see that the tumor size has gotten bigger. It is 8 by 4 x 8 centimeters large now. So, it grows about a centimeter a week in all directions.

Just when we think we are good to go, the doctor looks at the results and sees that that department had added an additional response and that it said that they saw a 1,5 cm lump in my left breast.  He was a bit surprised that it was bad news. He springs into action and says that he is scheduling a breast needle biopsy and mammogram for immediately. 

The air just went out of us. Peter slumps in his chair and I get into determined warrior mode.

I go through the motions because the tests are not going to hurt compared to Olga so I am calm. I just want to get them done. Then all the results can be analyzed and I can finally get the party started.

Mammogram machine very good at holding on tight.

The nurse fixed everything and we finally left Karolinska at 2 pm.  I spent my day getting 3 needles in my breast, 8 semi-painful but definitely bearable mammogram pictures, a painless sonogram by a doctor who reassured me and buying drugs worth over a thousand dollars.

The sonogram doctor said she did not think that it looks like breast cancer and is probably something I have had for a while. The biopsy results and comparing to my previous mammogram about 5 years ago will give the final answer. I am not worried.

My sister, Kris and I at the start and end of our ballet career. (I have the opposite costume on as Nour had on this weekend at the Melodifestival......)

I took a 2 hour nap when I got home. All the tension was released as I lay there listening to my Kick Ass playlist. Hungry but not really hungry I forced myself to eat some dinner. I am grateful for all those who thought of me today. I felt your presence.  GRATEFUL

Now it is time to make plans for the next four days and delay those puking plans until next week.

BRAVE by Sara Bareilles

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

RECHARGE THE BATTERIES. I AM A FIGHTER. WAITING. BATTLE PLANS.

WAR PAINT

2014.03.04

 Today is the last day of "nothing will ever be the same again"....................

I got up and went through all the motions: shower, chatting with Nikki, try to wake kids, wash hair, try again to wake kids, unload dishwasher, kids finally get up (and shower, eat, brush teeth put clothes on), visit from nurse for my jab, get out the door and into the car. We were only 15 minutes later than usual but everyone got to school on time.

Home again and its a bit of time for breakfast before I get back in the car and get to experience morning rush hour in Stockholm. (not bad compared to the Long Island Expressway...) Trying to find a parking spot near my hairdresser is never easy. I finally find one about 3 blocks away. I pay for on street parking the whole day to be prepared. Then, I look at the parking sign regulations.........on that particular street there is no parking on Tuesdays between 9 am and 4 pm for street cleaning. Great that I could make a donation to the parking company. Wasn't that nice of me? Frustrated I drove one more block to the undergound garage and paid again. Lucky me.

The walk to the world's best Hair Dressers made me a little nervous of how I was going to be received and what I was going to say. I did not have a time booked, but I have been a customer for 18 years and was confident that my WAR PAINT transformation would happen sometime today. My hair place is called SOUL and it is run by two fantastic people called Sophie and Ulrica. There is always a great environment there and always something going on. (everyday goings on would lend themselves to a sitcom) I love it.

World's best hairdressers.

I came in a bit before opening time and Sophie was there and all of a sudden I teared up and couldn't talk. Now it was real. I finally managed to get it out of me and waited for Ulrica to come so that she could fit my haircut in sometime during the day. I had planned on sitting there all day if I needed to.

Ulrica arrived and was a hero when she made time for me and made it look so good. It was hard to see the hair getting cut and becoming shorter and shorter, it was made worse because I didn't have my glasses on. I felt taken care of and cared for and I knew that was how I would feel being there. It was comforting. Both Sophie and Ulrica are AWESOME. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TODAY.

A final wash of that hair.....

Ulrica crafting her handiwork on me.

Hair cut was done just in time to call Mia and ask about lunch. I was in luck because it wasn't just Mia and but also Anna K. We ate and laughed and talked and laughed and talked and then we drank some tea and laughed again. JUST WHAT I NEEDED. LOVED.

Anna, me and Mia

Now I am prepared for the battle of my life. 

The boys all think my hair looks good. Kevin can't wait to get his head shaved when it is time for me to shave my head. He is amazing.

Peter is on his way home from London. He will be with me tomorrow when we meet the DOCTOR for the real and final diagnosis with what stage of cancer and exactly what type of agressive non-hodgkins lymphoma that I have and how it will be treated.

Many questions to prepare tonight and I look forward to the answers with a bit (OK, a lot) of trepidation. Once armed with those answers I will make myself ready for the challenge of Thursday's chemo.

Katy Perry's song Roar:
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar

Watch out CANCER here I come.

BRAVE Monday

2014.02.24

• FRIENDS are a blessing and I am truly blessed!
• BE BRAVE
• ASK FOR HELP 

Awoke early to messages from friends on the other side of the Atlantic. A good way to start the day. Mary sent a suggested fight song called BRAVE by Sara Bareilles. A fantastic song that got me crying to start the day with happy tears and a release of tension. It really was spot on. Thanks Mary, it is now on my most played music playlist.

Not long after listening to the song it was Carla, (friends since high school) and we got to talk. Thank goodness for the 9 hours time difference. Fantastic and meaningful especially when she said she would come here and help! (Although not with the cooking that is not her forte....) Thanks Carla, I am grateful.

Took a walk before meeting Sarah för lunch at Vapianos. The company was great and the food was too right up until the point I found a bug in my rucola salad. Will not be ordering that again anytime soon!

Some of my friends are awesome at "pestering me" with their presence either online or in person and I really appreciate it. You check in on me, ask the right questions, put it into perspective. You know who you are.....

I am the worst person in the world to ask others for help. I can do everything myself, right? Well, I am starting to realize that I have to put all my focus on me so I can beat this cancer's ass and I also have to let other people help me. That is heavy for me.

I know how many people are willing to help and it makes me happy and overwhelmed with the loving support of all those around me. This will help me get through it all. Right?

Now it is time to prepare my questions for the first meeting with the lymphoma doctors tomorrow. I am nervous for the tests that will be done but now I am ready for more information and a plan forward. A good day today as now I am ready as I will ever be for tomorrow............

I am a FIGHTER. I am BRAVE. I will ask for HELP. I am LOVED.

Loved, Snow, Blood and Supraclavicular lymph glands

2014.02.21

Two positives to this cancer for me.. (kind of)

• That weight I needed to lose will be coming off once the chemo starts! Yea!
• Losing hair will let me be a redhead on the weekends and a blond during the week if I get some wigs! (or vice versa)

I couldn't sleep too well last night. The tumor is growing fast and it is pushing against my thrachea which makes coughing and breathing a bit uncomfortable at times.

As I lay in bed feeling LOVED by all the prayers and well wishers from Facebook it made it a lot  easier. I will treasure these comments and thoughts when the rough days are here.

As I look out the window and see the snow gently falling outside, it still feels like all of this is happening to someone else. It can't be happening to me because we have plans to move and start anew. Now it is just a bit more complicated. Thinking how to have an everyday life when the only thing that goes through my mind is holy shit!

I do feel loved and overjoyed that I have 3 wonderful kids who really showed their true colors yesterday! The doctor suggested just enough information to inform them. "A serious condition but curable with a bra fight". Kevin came home first and I told him. Then I joked around and said if I lost all my hair would he shave his head in solidarity? He said "yes".

Then Eric came home and I told him. Eric has been growing out his hair since August so when I asked him about shaving his head, he tilted his head to the side and said "can I just cut it shorter....." Kevin heard this and told Eric that he was shaving his head and Eric said OK.

Last was Marcus who came home, I asked him and he heard his two brothers already answer for him before he could also say yes!.  Then Kevin said, it might not be a good idea for dad to shave his head because his might not grow back.......

Blood tests were scheduled for today! They are testing everything with 12 tubes of blood being filled. Sitting in the little room with the nurse and showing her my tired arm from earlier in the week, and it hit me. The tears starting running down my cheek and there was silence in the room except for the sound of the machine moving the vials back and forth. Shit, shit, shit!

Just cancelled the one week all inclusive trip to Masplomas in the Gran Canary Islands which we should have left for on Sunday! It is obvious that it needed to be cancelled but makes for the week to be a long one with the kids home from school and me doing all the tests at the hospital.

The information about all the tests just arrived in the mail. It was a thick package almost like when you get accepted into college but not as fun! Bone marrow sample, CAT scan, larger biopsy and who knows what else is planned for Tuesday and Wednesday. Looking forward to getting it over with so I know excactly what I am facing to kick some butt! The growth is on-in-with-around(?) the supraclavicular lymph glands and is about 7 cm big!

It feels good but strange to tell people who ask or who I do business with. The only thing is that when saying "I have aggressive non hodgins lymphoma" there is a silence as most don't know what to say. I know cause I was just like that too.

Now I have made the decision to suspend all operations in Creative Brick Zone and cancel all the birthday parties that were booked from March onwards. I really love what I do and I will miss it during these months!

A highlight of the day are the flowers from the neighbors! They really perk the place up now that the house is not styled anymore.......

I feel after just 24 hours that this is a crazy rollercoaster ride especially with my emotions! (and I am holding on tight and won't let go!)

A week of limbo

Thursday February 20, 2014

Well, I never thought I would write a blog because I am so much better talking than writing. But never is a crazy word and there are many nevers.

I never thought I would find a weird growth on my neck.

I never thought I would admit to a doctor that I don't usually look at myself in the mirror too much and that is why I didn't see it right away.

I never thought that I would hear the doctor say "Aggressive form of Non-hodgkins lymphoma" and that it is serious but curable with a good fight.

It all started last Saturday an hour before we were to sign the house contracts. I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror and thought that even with out my glasses that my necklace hanged a bit weird around my neck. Peter checked and agreed that all was not as it should be.

First we had to be at the realtor's office to sign the contracts and then I had a Lego party that had been booked. After that at 4 pm I went to the emergency room at Danderyds Sjukhus. By midnight not much  had happened besides noting that it was not supposed to be there and some blood work didn't show any real strange results. This left me frustrated and worried.

Most of Sunday I googled "swollen glands on right side of neck" Googling is dangerous but helpful if you take it with a grain of salt.

Decisions are better made with all the facts. That is really how I do most things. Gather all the facts and then put it together with your gut feeling for the right decision.

So Sunday night I decided to take my health into my own hands and did not want to wait for the less than optimal Taby local doctors to get around to booking me a time to see a doctor who in past experience was less than fully engaged in any ailments I had.

Anyway I found a drop-in place called City Akuten that allows you to get seen by an Ear, nose throat specialist. It was an all day event but they did everything they could there and showed an interest. Doctor examined my neck, sent me to a sonogram to get a better picture of the extent, doctor saw me again and then said that a CAT scan was needed of my neck and upper torso, results were back and then I got another referral for a needle biopsy the following day at the big hospital. I left the doctors after 8 hours without a clear picture of what was really wrong with me. It did not seem like a big deal according to that doctor.

The next day at the needle biopsy I asked a lot of questions and started to google even more when I saw that the first doctor believed it was lymphoma. Holy crap! He said that the results would be sent by Thursday.  It has been 48 hours of worry, googling and trying to work and be a mom to the kids.

Today is Thursday and this morning I decided that I needed to know and that right after working at school I would go to the drop-in and get the results. Somehow I knew that I needed someone with me. Peter is in London. I called my fantastic friend Mia and explain - a growth in my neck, results from the doctor - and the next thing she says is I can come with you!

The last thing I expected was bad news, but that is what it is. Mia got to cry and I was the comic relief and I also experienced the disbelief that is this really happening to me? Are you kidding me?  WTF? I have other things to do right now and I have planned many more fun times in my life.

So, I WILL FIGHT this and WIN.   I am a fighter with tons of friends that give me comfort by being there as I beat this cancer's ass!

(Oh yeah, once all the treatment is done, I am getting a tattoo!)