(10 years after cancer) An appreciation post for the journey called life.

I’m alive. 

(Turn Sia’s song to highest volume and on repeat to get your day going today.)

Life is for living. 

Every day is your life. 

Make the most of each day. 

Revel in the glimmers. 

Handle the lows. 

Be kind.

Each minute is a possibility to a new experience, 

a shared experience, 

something to learn 

or maybe something to laugh about.

Be Curious not judgemental.

This is me.

I have a sunny (mostly), realistic attitude trying* to manifest my dreams.

(*damn sure I will succeed)

TEN YEARS is 3,653 days since I heard the words “You have cancer”

It is 21,481 days on this earth for me today. It is 1,481 days since I had my 20,000 days old party. I could go on but, really I only think of these days during the middle of February for the diagnosis and the end of June every year when treatment was finished. All the other days I am just living my life according to the above guidelines/lifelines.

10 years with

FRIENDS and FAMILY

EXPERIENCES

TRAVEL

MOMENTS

MUSIC

NATURE

GRATITUDE

All the joy that I have from the combination of the these things is overwhelming.

I think I have kind of Marie Kondo’d anything that hasn’t brought me joy. It is so freeing to do things or be with people who bring you joy. Anything else is a life less lived.

FRIENDS- I will say that if I am lucky enough to be your friend, Thank you for being you, I am a better person for it. I appreciate each and every one of you. As Alfred Lord Tennyson said “I am part of all that I’ve met.”

EXPERIENCES, TRAVEL, MOMENTS, MUSIC, NATURE - all the possible variations to share with friends. The essence of life for me. I have really embraced this in the last 10 years and especially in the last 4 years during and after covid. 

Here is the current list of the best:

A year of P!nk concerts. Four (or was it 5?) concerts in 3 different countries

Project manager for house renovations twice, but the current one is the best one ever on so many levels.

Raising money for Blood Cancer in the UK by riding my bicycle from London to Paris with 4 friends and 200 other people (who became friends after that trip). 

Europe favourite trips: Tuscany and cycling, Milano with friends, Southern Spain, Barcelona loving Gaudi, Lisbon shots with the girls, The Netherlands…too much to say, Paris parties and Versailles with the fam, Girl’s weekends in Berlin, Madrid, Lisbon, Amsterdam, Stockholm and Taos. Epic weekend in Tenby with 28 friends.

Exploring Colombia: Bogota, Cartagena and Armenia. Lucky to do this twice!!!!

Islands are in my blood: Long Island, NY; Manhattan, Isle of Skye (with a dog and a puppy) and the Outer Hebrides in my teardrop, Menorca which just feels right and the volcanic island of Iceland to witness an erupting volcano in person.

USA or Sweden for the holidays to spend the quality time with family. Always a priority for us as a family.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say moving to the UK 10 years ago right after treatment was finished was life changing. London also feels like home. 

My newfound interest for Women’s football in the UK happened when the Lionesses won the EUROs of 2022 and then I became an Arsenal fan which then led me to the coolest experience of 2023. Almost a month in Australia for the Women’s world cup was a dream come true on so many levels. Being there live in the stadiums for the round of 16, quarter-finals, semi-finals and the Final. PRICELESS.

Chasing Sunrises and Sunsets gives me so much joy to witness nature do it’s magnificent thing.

Incredible women making beautiful music with songs that talk to the heart (P!nk, Sia, Miley Cyrus, Kelly Clarkson and Sara Bareilles, among others). They are healing, uplifting, empowering songs that are on repeat.

Improving my Spanish is so fulfilling because to know the people and their culture you need to speak their language. I even made a joke in Spanish today. ;-)

A golden thread, the never ending beauty of a sunset, winds through my life as all of these experiences of living life are with the people you care for most. Just that in it self brings a smile to my face.

I get the positive energy and re-charge my batteries from being with friends and sharing life experiences with them. I aim to reciprocate and give energy by listening or telling a joke to make you smile.

Grateful for each day. 

BE. BRAVE. LOVE. LIFE.

WAR PAINT

2014.03.04

 Today is the last day of "nothing will ever be the same again"....................

I got up and went through all the motions: shower, chatting with Nikki, try to wake kids, wash hair, try again to wake kids, unload dishwasher, kids finally get up (and shower, eat, brush teeth put clothes on), visit from nurse for my jab, get out the door and into the car. We were only 15 minutes later than usual but everyone got to school on time.

Home again and its a bit of time for breakfast before I get back in the car and get to experience morning rush hour in Stockholm. (not bad compared to the Long Island Expressway...) Trying to find a parking spot near my hairdresser is never easy. I finally find one about 3 blocks away. I pay for on street parking the whole day to be prepared. Then, I look at the parking sign regulations.........on that particular street there is no parking on Tuesdays between 9 am and 4 pm for street cleaning. Great that I could make a donation to the parking company. Wasn't that nice of me? Frustrated I drove one more block to the undergound garage and paid again. Lucky me.

The walk to the world's best Hair Dressers made me a little nervous of how I was going to be received and what I was going to say. I did not have a time booked, but I have been a customer for 18 years and was confident that my WAR PAINT transformation would happen sometime today. My hair place is called SOUL and it is run by two fantastic people called Sophie and Ulrica. There is always a great environment there and always something going on. (everyday goings on would lend themselves to a sitcom) I love it.

World's best hairdressers.

I came in a bit before opening time and Sophie was there and all of a sudden I teared up and couldn't talk. Now it was real. I finally managed to get it out of me and waited for Ulrica to come so that she could fit my haircut in sometime during the day. I had planned on sitting there all day if I needed to.

Ulrica arrived and was a hero when she made time for me and made it look so good. It was hard to see the hair getting cut and becoming shorter and shorter, it was made worse because I didn't have my glasses on. I felt taken care of and cared for and I knew that was how I would feel being there. It was comforting. Both Sophie and Ulrica are AWESOME. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TODAY.

A final wash of that hair.....

Ulrica crafting her handiwork on me.

Hair cut was done just in time to call Mia and ask about lunch. I was in luck because it wasn't just Mia and but also Anna K. We ate and laughed and talked and laughed and talked and then we drank some tea and laughed again. JUST WHAT I NEEDED. LOVED.

Anna, me and Mia

Now I am prepared for the battle of my life. 

The boys all think my hair looks good. Kevin can't wait to get his head shaved when it is time for me to shave my head. He is amazing.

Peter is on his way home from London. He will be with me tomorrow when we meet the DOCTOR for the real and final diagnosis with what stage of cancer and exactly what type of agressive non-hodgkins lymphoma that I have and how it will be treated.

Many questions to prepare tonight and I look forward to the answers with a bit (OK, a lot) of trepidation. Once armed with those answers I will make myself ready for the challenge of Thursday's chemo.

Katy Perry's song Roar:
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar

Watch out CANCER here I come.

BIOSPY successfully completed

2014.02.27

Banging on the front door at 1 am woke me up. It was Peter announcing his arrival from London. I was  not in the mood for any small talk, I let him in, said hello and got back into bed. A few more hours of cherished sleep.

My iphone is my lifeline. It has easy access to FB where some of my friends send me messages, others who send text messages and then the others who call my direct line. It also has my music with Teresa's Kick Ass playlist, my favorite movies and some games in that rare instance I get bored. It has the Internet in case I need to google something. It is my alarm clock and my camera. It keeps me connected.  It fits in my pocket. I am thankful for my iphone.

So, as usual I reach for my iphone to turn off the alarm and Nikki F. sees I am online. She is my pep talker and cheerleader texting all those things I need to hear and makes me laugh. Grazzi habib. Grateful!!! 

The clock today is ticking because there are no liquids allowed for me after 7:30 am. A quick shower and thinking why am I even washing my hair when it will be cut in a few days into a cool easy style a la PINK? Hurry to the kitchen for some of that now favorite apple juice for some energy. It goes down easy. Better mix a glass of water in between the next big glass of apple juice again. I have this energy flowing through me and know that a quick paced walk with my lifeline and headphones will do the trick.

Coat on, shoes on, headphones in and put on all the fast paced songs for 20 minutes of walking.  "I can do this! I can do this! It's not so bad" ran through my head intermingled with the words from the songs like 'Dance Your Tears Away'  Felt good!!!!!   It was a bit of a pain though when I came back and realized I couldn't quench my thirst. Oh well.....

Winter break week in Stockholm means hardly any cars out on the road so we were at the hospital way too early! Typical, but I really wanted to get it over and done with even though I had flashes of those thoughts like what happens if the anesthesiologist makes a mistake and I don't wake up. It would be worse for those left behind. I have a lot to live for and luckily those thoughts vanished as quickly as they flashed through my head.

Checked in, got a bed, a "stylish" nightgown (as Peter noted) and a needle or a line put into my arm. Did not feel a thing with that needle. Best nurse ever. All ready-------for a two and a half hour wait-------before they took me in at 12:30.

Peter passing the time in the morning.

Down in the pre-op I met the doctor and the anesthesiologist and they explained the procedures to me. I asked the doctor if he could take a big piece out so it would be easier to get rid of with chemo. He said  "that is not how to cure this cancer. It must be treated with chemo and besides the tumor has grown very close to the carotid artery and behind muscles in your  neck, so that would make it too risky of a procedure."

Then I met the nurses who were going to prep me for the operation and I took the opportunity to ask them a question. "When the doctor has me open and has exposed the cancer can someone in there take a picture so I can see what this cancer looks like? Do you want to borrow my iphone?" It is so I could see what I was fighting. What would cancer look like?  They said they would ask when they saw the doctor.

The operating room had a bunch of people who all introduced themselves to me. I asked if there was going to be a test on the introductions when I was done. Ha ha, they said maybe. They were all nice and went about their business. The anesthesiologist came in and then I breathed in and took a "nap " for about an hour.

Next memory is jolting upright in bed, hearing my name and starting to cough so the stitches bled a little through the bandage. WATER, WATER, WATER. They only gave me a little. The tube had irritated my throat, but within a half hour I had had a few small glasses of water and an extra shot of morphine. Feeling good!!!!!  As soon as I could I put my headphones in my ear for some kick ass music. I did a quick check on FB and my youngest brother Dan, wanted to know how I was. I'm in post op and OK. He answered "put down the phone you are in a hospital bed".

The doctor came in and gave me a summary. The lymph nodes are 10 times bigger then they should be and resemble a cluster of ripe grapes but when he removed the piece it was like the inside of a cinnamon bun in consistency. He said a picture is not what I am fighting so he didn't take one. (It would have been cool to see I think, but alas he is right)

Later I was moved to a regular floor for follow-up care. Started with vanilla ice cream and then I had some sandwiches. Tired and my neck is starting to hurt.  We realized we would be getting home later than expected so a quick call to Anna, neighbor and friend resulted in three pizzas delivered to the boys for dinner. Thanks Anna!

Peter passing the time in post-op.

The nurse has given me some morphine pills for tonight and tomorrow. By 7:00 pm Peter was (hungry) and ready to go home after so many hours in the hospital and asked me if I was ready go. Of course, honey, let's go!

As we pulled into our driveway and get out of the car,  we are greeted by our neighbors Linda och Bosse from across the street who were wondering how everything went and worrying why it took us so long. It felt good to laugh and talk about the day in the fresh cold evening air.

It feels OK and more confident now in my head as compared to just a week ago when I got the diagnosis. (which was a little like WTF)  I know the low times will come but I need to hold onto this good feeling as long as I can. It is made easier by all my friends who care. LOVED.

LAUGH. LAUGH. LAUGH.

Tomorrow is Peter's birthday. Eric is making him breakfast in bed. Hope I get some too.

Hardest Bones ever.......

2014.02.25

I was so looking forward to today to get some answers and get going on getting this cancer out of me!

Early to rise in anticipation of all these really fun (not) tests and answers from the doctors.

All the wonderful -thinking of you- messages I received this morning were heartwarming and gave me the energy and focus to get it done today! LOVE.

 

Dale, a fantastic person and friend volunteered to be with me today! What a hero! She drove and we found the right department of Hematology and met the doctor. No info on the stage or level because all the tests are not done yet. It looks like based on what they know that it will be R-CHOP treatment to start with. They will have a doctor conference next Tuesday and discuss the options and then I get to meet the doctor on the 5th of March to know the exact level and extent and then Chemo starts on the 6th of March at 9 am. Yippee!!!!  .......

Of course this plan is all contingent on the tumor not growing so fast that it makes breathing more difficult or hard to swallow. Then I get to start chemo as soon as I check into the emergency room.

The most fun part of the day was definitely the bone marrow biopsy! I won (if there was a contest) hardest bones they had ever seen. Shall I paint the picture?
Come into the room, meet the nurse and doctor to perform this procedure. Lay on my stomach, put my headphones in one ear so I can still hear the doctor and put on the song Brave.  Oh yea, they took my eyeglasses so now I can not hear that well.

I told Dale not to watch but she couldn't resist and now she can't get this experience out of her mind.  OK, so first it is local anesthesia on the left side -not so bad. Then it is the pressure not so bad as she put the real needle in to get out the bone marrow. She can't get past the bone. She gives it another try. Then calls in the heavy artillery - another doctor who bends over and puts her face next to mine and scares me and says "I am Olga and I will give it a try."

Well, boy did she. She pushed as hard as she could,  I almost lost my breath.  This she tried at least three times on the left side. Not enough success. OK- local anesthesia on the right side. Repeat process of pushing like there is no tomorrow. Dale is watching the whole thing and squeezing my arm tighter as she sees Olga doing her thing. She was definitely a Russian Bear and I was mauled. She only got about half the fluid she needed but the nurse said it should be enough. Keep your fingers crossed that it was.

Unfortunately we did not get to meet him. It would have been music to my ears!

Dale and Me

Then it was 3 hours of fasting before the cat scan for the whole body. That was easy compared to my meeting with Olga!

Thanks all of you that keep in touch with me. It was reassuring during the bone marrow biopsy when my phone pinged in my ear to notify me of an incoming text. LOVE.

Home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from work. I really miss my work mates and all the kids that I had each week for LEGO class. LOVE.

Time for some more painkillers and to take a rest. Luckily the kids have their computers and something to occupy themselves while I sleep!

Tomorrow and Thursday are more tests and they should be bearable as long as I do not have to meet Olga again.

LOVED. PAIN. ONE STEP CLOSER

Sunday and it's sunny!

2014.02.23

Awoke early as Peter's flight to London left at 8 am. Slept OK, but I feel more and more pressure in my neck and the coughing comes and goes. It was hard for Peter to go back to London and work. Our flight to Gran Canaries left at 6 am without us on it. I watched both that flight and Peter's flight on my Flightracker App. I thought about how it should have been but now how it will be instead this week!

Most of the Stockholm friends have left town for winter break skiing. My other friends are all in different time zones and that is great for having conversations on Facebook with them when they see I am on line. Middle of the night for them, morning for me! Those caring words mean a lot to me.

I was in no hurry to get out of bed today. But then the sun was out and I knew I needed to get moving.
I was thinking about how much I like my hair now and how it is going to disappear very soon. I took some pictures of myself. (surprising as that may seem) They will be the before pictures. Nothing will ever be the same again. Shit, shit, shit.

So now I was pissed! Needed to get rid of the negative energy! Then I remembered that the neighbors across the street had asked me to get rid of the magpie nest in our tree because the magpies are a little crazy on our street it was also time for them to move! I knocked on the neighbors door and asked him if he would like to join me in this endeavour! He was glad (actually overjoyed) to help. Well, we poked and got the branches away. It felt good!

Looks like the lymph glands system, I wish taking away this cancer was as easy as taking the nest away.

At noon, Anna, my neighbor and word-feud opponent came by for a walk. It was good to get out in the fresh air. We saw the signs of spring. Thanks Anna,

The afternoon has been spent just hanging around. It has been a few years since I have done that. The waiting game is not my favorite game to play. I am anxious and nervous but still want to get it over with and get this party started!  I am thinking of getting a cool haircut before all my hair goes............ Maybe I can copy one of my other favorite singers, Pink.

In less than 48 hours I will have completed the two worst tests and found out tons of information that will give me the ammunition to fight this with all I've got. Keep your fingers crossed.