It is a frustrating life as one recovers from cancer. There are so many reminders all the time, whether it is to look down while I am walking so I don't trip, having to ask someone to help me unscrew the top off a bottle of soda, or cringing in pain as I get up from a sitting position to a standing position and start to walk.
So, I try to focus on just living and most of the time try to ignore all these side effect things.
Yes, it is hopefully going to get better but it will take a year or so, according to the doctor. Every achy step I take is a step closer to recovering.
I look back to all that I have been through since February 15th and I realized that during that time: I had 6 treatments of RCHOP, got a central line put in, took care of the kids (ok, I was there at least), had my youngest son deathly ill and then diagnosed with diabetes in the middle of my chemotherapy, supervised a packing up and a move to another country while my hubby was already living there. I was focused on doing the chemotherapy with all my energy and getting better and the rest of the stuff was just stuff I had to do using the least amount of my energy to survive. Does that make sense?
Once the doctor said remission just before the end of June it was a shock and a relief. My body relaxed and the fatigue and all the other side effects hit me like a brick wall.
|HAIR GROWING BACK, its thick and starting to see that it will be wavy.....|
So now, here in September I realized that during this whole time, I hadn't had any alone time just me - a chance to unwind and only think of myself and only be responsible for me. As a Mom, it is quite difficult to put yourself first. (A prime example is driving my youngest to school the day after chemo and then getting back into bed and sleeping all day)
ME TIME: just me being responsible for me. The only way to accomplish this is to go somewhere where they (the rest of the family) are not and allow myself to relax for a couple of days. This is harder to do than one would imagine.
I visited new places by walking around a little and then sitting a lot just watching people go by. All activities were low impact and little effort. Just relaxing. It was a bit surreal to only be responsible for myself. I really should do that more often.
Eating, sitting, sleeping all the regular things just done in another country and a lot slower than I would have done it before. It was all I could handle now and just right for my recovery.
Things progressed well at home. (I even got the feedback that all three kids like their new school- they like their teachers and the work is a lot harder.....)
I charged my batteries while away.
I had time to think about all the things that I am grateful for, how many people supported me in so many ways. I had time to think about the future and what it could look like. I had time to laugh, smile, eat good food and just let the anxiety of living as a cancer survivor slip away.
I arrived back on Sunday evening and got the shortest update ever about all that had happened while I was gone.
Yesterday was back to the routines again: taking the kids to school, getting a minimal amount of housework done, walking the dog to the park, picking the kids up from school, making some food that might be construed as dinner and then hitting the sack exhausted but happy. (except for the fact that someone in the family had eaten the rest of my Milano cookies....)
Today was more of the same routines. I need to keep taking baby steps forward. I know this because as soon as I do too much my body yells at me!!! (LOUD AND CLEAR)
In two weeks it will be my 3 month check-up to see what is going on. I am trying not to get too anxious......relax, deep breaths, ...............it will be fine whatever the news, at least I am confident in that much.
LOVE TO YOU ALL. GRATEFUL. SUN. SMILES. HAPPY KIDS. ONE DAY. LIVE IN THE HERE AND NOW.