Getting used to the new me.

2015.05.30

Well, it's been a few months since I have written on the blog. I have been trying to live my life to the fullest and at the same time learning about the new me and adapting to everything around me. It has made it a little crazy. I have also turned 50. I had a fantastic party and celebration.

This past Thursday was a year since my last chemo. Yesterday was a year since the movers came and packed up our stuff for our move to London. What a year it has been.

Flowers for my birthday....

I have done absolutely amazing, fantastic things in the last year since the suitcases have been packed up. I made made new friends in a new city, made lifelong friends in the new city, experienced things throughout Europe. I have really taken the time to enjoy life even though simmering in the background is the fact that I can't do the things I used to do and I am a different person. My attention span is terrible. I can't concentrate to get all my work done. So the happiness and the joy is always balanced out by the frustration of the new reality. Luckily, family and friends make it possible for me to be more accepting of the new me and everything that life has to offer. I can't say that I have anything to complain about. I am not really a complainer. But, I do know that there is always room for improvement of the new me.

April meant seeing the Oxford-Cambridge Boat Races, getting the all clear on the 9-month check up at the Royal Marsden Hospital in London. Marcus turning 15. Sophie turning 6 and celebrating life.

April 2015 all clear after 9 months.......

I am just loving the experiences that I am having, the people that I am meeting and the great weather in London.

I am really good at delaying getting anything off my list completed. I would much rather meet friends or go for a walk with Sophie in the park. June 1st is the start of a month of getting on track again and getting to the point of enjoying life without something hanging over my head undone. I have started to read the book by Marie Kondo called "The Life-changing Magic of Tidying". Clear out the clutter and live the life that I dream of. Totally enjoying reading it and looking forward to putting it into practice. It is almost a must here as the houses are so small compared to what we are used to.

Good Friends make loving life easy!

That's a lot of candles!

Celebrating with the London gang on the actual day...

My 50th birthday celebration was exactly what I needed. It was celebrated with people that mean a lot to me and we just enjoyed each other's company. It was a fantastic weekend. Marie and John came from the USA. Mia, Åke, Eva-Karin, Göte, Helena, Petra, Martin, Annica, Stina and Alex came from Sweden. All my London friends joined in too. I feel that my friends have also taken a look at their lives and now enjoy celebrating all of the great times in their lives too. My motto BE BRAVE LOVE LIFE and I got bracelets made for all those that attended this amazing day. It's just a reminder that Life is pretty great when we think about it.

Mia, Helena, Me and Eva-Karin

Mia and I

Stina and I

Annica, Petra and I

I had a fantastic girl's weekend in Stockholm a few weeks later showing the London girls around. Mia joined us the first night and shared some of those typical Swedish customs that I had forgotten. I am so lucky to have Mia as my friend. I am so lucky to have all my friends.

Last weekend was a long weekend in the UK so 29 of us Londoners went to Wales and rented a big ol' house by the sea and had the most fabulous time ever. Memories for life!

S'mores at the Waterwynch House

Domino and 

To each and every one of you!

So, the new me is ok. I do what I can. Try and not get too irritated over what I can't do. I take every opportunity to BE BRAVE and LOVE LIFE each and every day. (still trying to figure out if I am going to get a tattoo.....)

FRIENDS. FAMILY. LOVED. 
KICKED CANCER'S BUTT. 
WALES. STOCKHOLM. LONDON.
BE BRAVE. LOVE LIFE.

Coping after Cancer: ostrich, simple, find a way

2015.03.26
Thursday

The Ostrich's methods of putting their head in the sand to avoid danger is an urban myth. But, it presents a great metaphor of the feeling that I have had the last year to be able to cope with all of the pressures of just getting through each day.

 As the chemo fog starts to lift a little bit at a time I can look back and I realize that my coping and survival method was to just get by with my head in the sand. Everything that I do now after cancer takes a lot more energy, every decision I make depletes my finite source of energy. So, don't ask me so many questions you already know the answer to......

I am a changed person and I am not always liking the new me, but I am learning to live the new life.

I make a written or a mental list each day of the things that need to be done. The majority of times something gets in the way or makes ticking an item off the list impossible.  If this happens too many times, my energy is gone. Frustration sets in. My level of patience decreases and I become irritable and short-tempered. Not so fun for me or the people around me when I can't explain why something seemingly so easy to do is nearly impossible for me at those times.

I have been taking each day as it comes. Checking off one or two things on my list and adding about 30 each day. Seems insurmountable at times.

Building up my energy is done by being with family and friends in a new or different environment. Thankfully we had a vacation to Mauritius in February. It was the first time we could get away and just enjoy being with each other since our cancelled trip last year when I got the cancer. Our trip had its challenges though as the first 24 hours were spent at the Gatwick Hilton because the plane was delayed one day. I was fuming because 15th of February 2014 was when I felt the cancer on my neck and the week I got diagnosed and now one year later, Thomson is giving us a shorter vacation. We made the best of it. It is not easy to shake off those pissed off feelings, it took a couple of days and a few Rum and lemon juice drinks.

Frustrations:
Working out and eating well for 5 months and only losing 17 pounds.
Getting blood work done and supplements recommended from an alternative health place. (then being told by the GP that they could have done that for free)
Stressing about eating well
Not sleeping enough
Government authorities not understanding that I am getting things done as fast as I can.
Jumping through hoops to get my referral and translated medical reports submitted to get an appointment at the Royal Marsden for follow-up care.

Positives (now the fog is clearing):
I have submitted the annual report for my business and mostly cleared up any misunderstandings
Friends visiting from Sweden and getting to spend time with them and see new places in London
Discussion are in the works to sell my company in Sweden
I have a Fitbit Charge HR that helps me focus on eating and exercise
More friends are on the way to visit in the coming months (planning for their visit...)
Half-Century of living is coming up soon and I'm enjoying planning to celebrate that
Our cleaning ladies make my life a little easier (after 10 years of talking about getting some help)
Put an offer on a house
Peter doing the London to Paris Bike ride for Lymphoma Research
Eating more of a Mediterranean diet and trying to let go of the stress.
Intensive Spanish week coming up so the kids can practice their Spanish

MY FOCUS is to keep it simple (when I am not complicating things):

Sleep at least 7 hours a night
Eat well
Enjoy life
Drink more water
Hug the kids and hubby more than they want

Grateful to be alive. YES. Grateful for family. YES. Grateful for friends. YES. Grateful for living in London. YES. Grateful for sunny days. YES. Grateful for new adventures. YES. 

Just mulling over if I really want to get that 

tattoo.........BE BRAVE LOVE LIFE. 

Maybe it should be a present to myself? It can't possibly hurt more than Olga and the bone marrow test? How big should the writing be? Is writing with permanent marker the same thing?

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

2015.02.15

SUNDAY

It has been exactly one year today that I looked in the mirror and saw that my neck looked funny. That is a moment that I will not ever forget. It meant that the following five days were tests, questions and then a diagnosis on the 20th. holy crap.

I still remember that feeling of disbelief as Mia and I walked out of the doctor's office. I was cursing and in shock. How I managed to get through it all the way to today is really a mystery to me. I had no choice really because I love life too much to do anything else but fight it (that darn cancer).

To celebrate life and because I am in remission, we are heading this afternoon to a warmer climate with some sun, beach and relaxation. It is a well deserved time for me and the rest of the family. I really need to recharge my batteries and just enjoy myself. Going to make some happy memories.

There is a spa at the resort and I have already decided that I am going to do a different treatment each day, just because I am worth it.

The days before a trip always result in me trying to think of everything and then pack for all possibilities for all of us. This time a round I am still trying to think of everything but I am sure that I have forgotten something. (even though I have made numerous lists and then forgotten where I put them) I am exhausted but can breathe out once we have checked the luggage in and are sitting on the plane.

This year compared to last year:

I put myself first now.
I try to simplify everything I do.
I appreciate everything I see, every chance meeting I make, every raindrop and rainbow.
I look in the mirror.
I feel confident enough to cast away that niggling feeling that the cancer is going to come back and
I just enjoy life each day.
My definition of "enjoying life" has changed since last year.
I take selfies. (and I think it's fun too)
I exercise often, eat well and have cut out almost all processed foods.
I only hang out with people that give me energy.
I have some scars on the outside that add to my character.
I still believe I can do anything as long as I set my mind to it.
I appreciate all the doctors and nurses who cared and all the scientists who researched R-CHOP.
I feel thankful and overwhelmed by all the people in my life.

The new me is still taking some getting used to by me, by Peter and by everyone else. (It's harder for them than it is for me.)

365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, many tears but oh so much more laughter during this time.

Now it is time for sun, sand, spa and just relaxation.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FAMILY. FRIENDS. KICKED CANCER'S ASS. LOVING LIFE. LIVING LIFE. 

UPS and DOWNS

2015.02.08

Sunday

Life is like riding a roller coaster up and down, day in and day out.

Some roller coasters scare the crap out of me and I refuse to ride them. Others like The Dragon at Legoland are just right with a bit of excitement as we start up the incline and then just enough nerve tickling turns and acceleration as we head down towards the finish.

I have ridden The Dragon in Denmark, Windsor and Florida so many times but it is still exciting and a little bit scary each and every time we get to the top and hold our breath for the ride down. Getting out at the end is usually a relief but also a let down because it is over.

It is almost a year ago that I discovered and got diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. holy crap how time flies..........hahahhahaha.

OK. Yes in remission for more than 6 months now. Yippie.

The new me is taking on new challenges and also trying new things like trying to overcome some of my fears.

Fear of heights
Fear of eating vegetables that are healthy...
Fear of being wrong. *lucky that hasn't happened yet*

My fear of heights is being challenged each day mainly due to construction work being done near the kids school (for the next two years) that forces me to walk over a footbridge that crosses 4 lanes of traffic. The bridge is narrow and I just look down at my feet and walk right across the middle in a quick pace (while holding my breath or hyperventilating). My kids think it is funny and sometimes try and make me more nervous on the bridge by walking slowly in front of me. How many times do I need to walk over it until this fear subsides?

VEGETABLES. My main ingested foods up until last October were mainly processed foods and fast foods. Vegetables and fruits were after thoughts. This has probably not been the best plan for living a healthy life. So, the new me is trying new vegetables and I am pleasantly surprised so far that I can actually try one and like it.

VEGETABLES CONQUERED: zucchini, courgettes, peppers, sweet potatoes and spinach.
Going to try in 2015: avocado and hummus

Fear of being wrong is really about not having control over everything. This is a daily challenge that is compounded by the fact that those darn-side effects of chemotherapy have changed me. My attention span is shorter and my ability to retain the knowledge reaches a maximum each day. I can't keep track of things like I used to. This is only frustrating when I realize it, otherwise I just go with the flow until it becomes a flood.....

So the great flood has come. I have been eating healthy (no processed foods) since October and working out in the gym. That was supposed to be the recipe for fat loss. Ha ha. Not lost anything since November. Yes, it is frustrating. So, got some blood work and toxicology tests done to get some advanced biochemical feedback. That was interesting. Results show some missing vitamins and amino acids among other things. It now means 3 months of supplements to re-balance everything inside so that I can loss some fat.

This is extremely frustrating. Working out for 4 months and it feels like I am standing still in relation to this goal. This is the worst roller coaster ride ever. Eating well, exercising and still no results. Maybe we are destined to be a certain weight? I know that healthy eating is here to stay for me along with the exercise- that is logical. Doing all the work and not losing - that is not logical.  KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS. A solution or answer is on the horizon.

Luckily for me, the downs are balanced by the ups.

Crossing the Millenium Bridge on the way to the Tate. 

WHAT ARE THE UPs? Spending time with friends and family. This week was a visit to the Tate Modern Musuem to see an exhibit of Dumas. Very cool and interesting exhibit. Another example is just today when we went to a restaurant called STOCKHOLM which is run by Swedes here in London. We went with Kristina, Magnus and their children (who attend the same school as our kids and are from Sweden). We ate typical Swedish food and finished it off with a semla. YUM YUM.

This will be a busy week if I do everything on my list. Starting off the week tomorrow with a long walk before my workout. Good Night! Sleep tight!

KEEPING FIT. LOVING MY FITBIT CHARGE HR.
EATING HEALTHY. NEW FAVORITE IS SHRIMP STIR-FRY.
FRIENDS. LAUGHING. HUGS. SMILES. KICKING BUTT.

Still in REMISSION

2015.01.30

Yes, my updates have been worse than sporadic. I agree. Just when I thought I could sit down and unload all that has been accumulating in my brain.......my mac dies. I have ordered another one but the delivery is not until next week. So, this post is via my son's borrowed mac. (although I didn't get his password)

Stockholm is so peaceful in the winter.

January is coming to a close and I have done tons of stuff and at the same time not many of those things that I should have done.  Always room for improvement.

I have been more aware and tried to really live in the moment. I do see an improvement from last year. (still have some side effects that are a drag but learning to live with them.)

Time with friends and family is like taking a medicine to make me feel better. That is really the best medicine for me. Suffice to say that I have been taking a lot of "medicine" this month.

Last week it was time for my 6 month check-up with the requisite blood work beforehand. This was followed the next day with the operation to remove the implantable port. I have been preoccupied with other things and not so focused as I was last time so my anxiety and stress level was much lower. I was almost calm. I have kicked cancer's butt before - worst case I could do it again........

I arrived in Sweden a few days before my appointment so I could go to Charlotte's 40th birthday party. The day of the party I got up late and lounged around the house (in my pj's) all day until it was time to leave for the party. It has been a while since I've done that. It felt GREAT.

Such a fun party. A great time dancing, eating and spending time with good friends. I am so lucky to have so many people that were supporting me and so happy that it was now a happy occasion for us to get to together. GRATEFUL.

I met up with some of my other friends and spent quality time just living in the here and now. THANKS SARA, STINA, and MIA.

It is a dilemma of how to visit everyone that I miss. It will be hard. I need a solution.

Monday morning and I needed to head to the hospital early to leave blood. On my way there, I call Anna and find out that her daughter had just been diagnosed with diabetes two days earlier and was at the same hospital I was going to. So we meet up quickly and I give hugs and words of encouragement. They have a great children's diabetes center at that hospital.

Then it was time for my appointment with Dr. Claes. Everything looked great. It was a relief. I thanked him profusely for all that he had done. It felt good but also a little surreal. This is the calmest I have ever been. Now it was time to celebrate.

Yippie!

On my way to Sara's house I picked up a Princess Cake which is my favorite type of Swedish cake. I got to spend time with Sara and her family and meet her newborn son who is the cutest.

 

The next day was the day I was most anxious about. Removing the implantable port with just local anesthesia. What better way to spend the time until the afternoon appointment than to visit SOUL and get my massive amount of curly hair cut and then to have lunch with Mia.

Chemo curls have made my hair extremely curly. Hair product has been necessary since October to keep it in place. I reached the decision to cut it and let it grow back when my oldest son called me Einstein about two weeks ago. You all know which picture I am talking about:

Before the haircut: Einstein

Before the haircut: me

Me after the haircut.

It was great to see Ulrica and Sophie again. It is such a warm and loving feeling at SOUL. THANKS ULRICA for squeezing me in on such short notice. GRATEFUL.

Lunch with Mia after was Indian food and then a walk for me in the cold weather of Stockholm to finally get this thing out of me.

So many emotions as I sat in the waiting room. It is overwhelming. Anxious. Determined to keep the implantable port once it is out of me. Shock at a "no" answer to keeping it. Crying. Disbelief. All alone. Determination. Inevitable removal. Headphones in with "Brave" by Sara Bareilles on repeat. EYES CLOSED. Three needles. Time to begin says the doctor. Focused. Sad. Tears streaming out of my eyes non-stop. Too much emotion. Nurse rubbing my arm. Time passing by too slowly. Weird sensations of pressure but no pain except for the emotional release of all that has happened. OK, just sewing up the vein now before he sews up the rest, says the nurse. "crap, my vein was opened?" goes through my head but not out my mouth. Surreal. Finally finished. Said my peace about why it was important for me to have it. NOPE, there are laws to be followed. OK. Good to go. Time to drive to Mia's house. I survived. GRATEFUL.

This is an implantable port. That tube was in my artery.

About the size of a silver dollar and
as high as a piece of LEGO.
In the center is where the needle for the chemo went.

I thankfully spent the night at Mia's house and as usual enjoyed a great dinner and fantastic company. HAPPY. THANKS MIA.

The next morning it was a quick visit to my mother in law before I headed to the airport. That was fun to pull and hold my luggage with just my right side so I wouldn't rip the stitches. 

Sad to leave Sweden but oh so happy to get back to London. The new life that is starting to take shape here is so exciting. The possibilities are endless.

I am eating well, exercising, trying to figure out why I am not losing weight, still motivated and just got the latest activity tracker that is perfect for me. It is called the Fitbit ChargeHR and I love it. It has a heart rate monitor, counts my steps, lets me track my sleep patterns, food intake and exercise and it looks good on my arm too. So psyched to challenge myself. (and any others that are up for a challenge)

Number of steps I have taken today...

GRATEFUL for the fabulous friends I have made here. They are amazing. Overwhelmed with gratitude. 

KICKED CANCER'S ASS. REMISSION. 

GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. 

BRAVE. STITCHES. 

NEW ME. NEW LIFE.