2020. Hindsight. 9/11. United. Living a life.

 Today is 9/11. It is 19 years since the world changed so fundamentally. It is a time for reflection. It is a time for thankfulness and for being grateful for the world around us. 

But then I look up and around me on my dog walk this morning. Yes, it is a beautiful morning with the sun shining through the clouds with a faint orange-red glow and I think to the fires on the West Coast of America and all that are suffering. We can all agree that 2020 is a shit year and we still have almost 4 months left.

2001, we united, we cared for each other, we were nicer.

2020 has been pandemic, lockdown, senseless killings of blacks, protests against the systemic racism that exists today, Brexit and the culmination of 4 years of divisive politics are the things that my brain has been focused on. How have we become numb to over 200,000 people dying in the USA and almost 1 million in total from around the world? I am tired, we are all tired. We need these things resolved. Each person can make a difference, right? 

Personally, 2020 has made me tired. More than before, everything just seems like it is a challenge to find the good. I have learned how much toilet paper a household of 5 uses during lockdown even though I didn't want to know. Every little thing is not as easy to wipe away or chalk up to someone else's stupidity. I am tired. My usual fix for this was to visit friends or go on vacation- that has not happened this year to the extent that it was needed.

Empty rolls.

The house project was fun in the beginning but the environmentally friendly builders I thought I hired turned out to be double chargers, not respectful of time, misogynistic, poor planners and still to this day not finished. This is infuriating. It has been a source of stress to the actual unfinished work along with the fact that we live in the house and see these things every day. And yes, 6 months of lockdown has compounded the feeling.

I've liquidated my business as in times of pandemic, I did not see how washing and sterilizing the LEGO after kids played with it was a future I could envision. This was sad. 

The house and my company are just two things. There are many other things that need to be resolved but we are in limbo as we try to live our lives in these pandemic times. And all of these things are having a knock on effect. I started listing all the things but the list got too long and sad. We are all being affected both mentally and physically in ways we never thought possible. 

So many things are being missed out on by everyone. And the lack of solidarity of humans to get through this together is baffling and disheartening. In some ways we are becoming robots just to get through. This is counter-intuitive to human nature.

I miss my friends so much, I think my brain is trying to compensate. As I walk or ride around London, I keep seeing people that are doubles to people I know. For a moment I think, oh, is that Zulma? (or Charm, Michelle, Nikki, Marie, Mia, Stina, Avery, Marieke, Sanna, Annica or Carla and others I haven't seen in a while.). I am thankful for my brain to give me hope.....even though I know it's not them.

I am reviewing my routines and putting in the time for self-care, listening to music, time alone and meeting friends for coffees and dinners so I can experience the fun and pull myself through the tunnel. During September, I am riding 300 miles in a virtual London to Paris ride to raise money for Bloodcancer UK as I am 6 years in remission. Yes, that is something to celebrate!

 

I am an optimist. I am a problem-solver. I care about others. I am an ally. It will get better. I will do my part. I voted today. My new Converse were delivered.

We can't go back in time but we can remember the good times from before and strive to make new happy memories. I am thankful for family, friends, food, fun and the chance to make things better for me, my family, my friends and possibly the world. 

Be Brave. Love Life.

 

Coping after Cancer: ostrich, simple, find a way

2015.03.26
Thursday

The Ostrich's methods of putting their head in the sand to avoid danger is an urban myth. But, it presents a great metaphor of the feeling that I have had the last year to be able to cope with all of the pressures of just getting through each day.

 As the chemo fog starts to lift a little bit at a time I can look back and I realize that my coping and survival method was to just get by with my head in the sand. Everything that I do now after cancer takes a lot more energy, every decision I make depletes my finite source of energy. So, don't ask me so many questions you already know the answer to......

I am a changed person and I am not always liking the new me, but I am learning to live the new life.

I make a written or a mental list each day of the things that need to be done. The majority of times something gets in the way or makes ticking an item off the list impossible.  If this happens too many times, my energy is gone. Frustration sets in. My level of patience decreases and I become irritable and short-tempered. Not so fun for me or the people around me when I can't explain why something seemingly so easy to do is nearly impossible for me at those times.

I have been taking each day as it comes. Checking off one or two things on my list and adding about 30 each day. Seems insurmountable at times.

Building up my energy is done by being with family and friends in a new or different environment. Thankfully we had a vacation to Mauritius in February. It was the first time we could get away and just enjoy being with each other since our cancelled trip last year when I got the cancer. Our trip had its challenges though as the first 24 hours were spent at the Gatwick Hilton because the plane was delayed one day. I was fuming because 15th of February 2014 was when I felt the cancer on my neck and the week I got diagnosed and now one year later, Thomson is giving us a shorter vacation. We made the best of it. It is not easy to shake off those pissed off feelings, it took a couple of days and a few Rum and lemon juice drinks.

Frustrations:
Working out and eating well for 5 months and only losing 17 pounds.
Getting blood work done and supplements recommended from an alternative health place. (then being told by the GP that they could have done that for free)
Stressing about eating well
Not sleeping enough
Government authorities not understanding that I am getting things done as fast as I can.
Jumping through hoops to get my referral and translated medical reports submitted to get an appointment at the Royal Marsden for follow-up care.

Positives (now the fog is clearing):
I have submitted the annual report for my business and mostly cleared up any misunderstandings
Friends visiting from Sweden and getting to spend time with them and see new places in London
Discussion are in the works to sell my company in Sweden
I have a Fitbit Charge HR that helps me focus on eating and exercise
More friends are on the way to visit in the coming months (planning for their visit...)
Half-Century of living is coming up soon and I'm enjoying planning to celebrate that
Our cleaning ladies make my life a little easier (after 10 years of talking about getting some help)
Put an offer on a house
Peter doing the London to Paris Bike ride for Lymphoma Research
Eating more of a Mediterranean diet and trying to let go of the stress.
Intensive Spanish week coming up so the kids can practice their Spanish

MY FOCUS is to keep it simple (when I am not complicating things):

Sleep at least 7 hours a night
Eat well
Enjoy life
Drink more water
Hug the kids and hubby more than they want

Grateful to be alive. YES. Grateful for family. YES. Grateful for friends. YES. Grateful for living in London. YES. Grateful for sunny days. YES. Grateful for new adventures. YES. 

Just mulling over if I really want to get that 

tattoo.........BE BRAVE LOVE LIFE. 

Maybe it should be a present to myself? It can't possibly hurt more than Olga and the bone marrow test? How big should the writing be? Is writing with permanent marker the same thing?

Six month check-up.....focused

2015.01.15

Thursday

Well, I am doing great on all my New Year's Resolutions except one. (that would be the one where I update the blog at least every second or third day.................)

I am not perfect, so suffice to say that this one will be a reflection on the first two weeks of this year 2015. A new start.

I am trying and have truly succeeded in doing something,  learning something or visiting somewhere new each day. Every day so far has brought revelation and appreciation for that day's activity. (not always remembering

I love living in London. I appreciate all my new friends. I love having visitors and showing them around. I saw another famous person at the local cafe and even talked to him. I am busting my butt at the gym, eating well and loving life most every hour of every day.

A fun time was had by all.

I will not write about the things that I should have done. I am slowly but surely getting those things off my list.

OK, so we need to take down the Christmas tree. I need to organize a little more. I need to put my clothes into the closet after they have been folded. All very meaningless tasks in the big scheme of things. Hakuna Matata.

Love the creative parking.

My in-laws were here for a weekend just less than four days after my parents left. We celebrated Reinhold's 70th birthday in style: Lion King, dinner the next night and walks around town. Honored that he wanted to celebrate it with us. 

Tomorrow I head to Sweden because I have my 6-month check up on Monday and removal of my central line on Tuesday right after I get my haircut at SOUL. (curls be gone.....)

My anxiety level is not as bad as it was last time. I am just living my life the best I can and will deal with whatever the doctor says on Monday.

I am flying first class. (OK, not really, it will just feel like that because I will be flying without the rest  of the family....) Just going to chill. Not bringing my computer. Face to face conversations with friends will be like winning the lottery.

I did win the lottery. I kicked cancer's butt. I have family and friends who tolerate love me. 

BE BRAVE. LOVE LIFE. (thinking about getting my tattoo in February.....)

Life is fascinating

2014.04.12

Tired day, not so much energy, but pressing on to get things done because Life is Too Short and the only way to live life is to appreciate it each and every day. Different days might mean different things are appreciated.

As I sit here reflecting on what I have done today, I wonder if I have changed or if I have just changed my perspective?? Or maybe I am just more aware as a person?? I find it all very fascinating to say the least.

Took my pills, nearly choked on the big one. Quick shower and get dressed. A bowl of cheerios with milk. A glass of cranberry juice. Tired. Lay back down in bed. No peace as my mind wanders to all the things I should be doing. Pep talk with Nikki on FB. Each small step is one step closer.

Get out of bed. I cleaned out a cabinet that needed cleaning out. Now we are sorting into London, summer house, garage sale and garbage dump piles (boxes). It is hard to sort some things. Everything has a meaning but in the big scheme of things is every paper or memento really that important?? I filled a small garbage bag but still have too much stuff left. I will give that pile another go tomorrow.

Ate a light lunch and then I was a little stressed that I hadn't gotten more done. Peter and I went into the play room where we have stacked 30 boxes from when we styled the house. We went through 22 of them and sorted. The remaining ones are all those papers that we think are important. I will tackle them this week when Peter is at work. The London pile is exciting because there are paintings we have that we will be able to put up because there is more wall space in the new house. The garage sale pile will make a lot of people happy.

In the middle of going through the boxes my sister facetimes me and we have a great conversation. This  summer we are celebrating my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. The whole family (22 of us) will be together for a week. A celebration of love and family and life. Isn't that what is important????

The things I treasure the most are the experiences I have had, the family that I have, the places I have visited and lived in, the people I have met, the people who are my friends, the memories from times spent with family and friends and the anticipation of making new memories and experiencing things together is very exciting. That combination is the meaning of living life to the fullest to me.

Our London home will be filled with memories from all the celebrations and experiences we have had and also be a place to create some new ones. I have a feeling we will be having many visitors. I might need to set-up an online booking system for all the visitors. (I can't wait.....)

Dinner and then some cheese doodles and nothing on TV. I am tired but otherwise feeling good.

APPRECIATE. LIFE. FRIENDS. FAMILY. KICKING ASS. TREASURE. GRATEFUL. MEMORIES.