Loved, Snow, Blood and Supraclavicular lymph glands

2014.02.21

Two positives to this cancer for me.. (kind of)

• That weight I needed to lose will be coming off once the chemo starts! Yea!
• Losing hair will let me be a redhead on the weekends and a blond during the week if I get some wigs! (or vice versa)

I couldn't sleep too well last night. The tumor is growing fast and it is pushing against my thrachea which makes coughing and breathing a bit uncomfortable at times.

As I lay in bed feeling LOVED by all the prayers and well wishers from Facebook it made it a lot  easier. I will treasure these comments and thoughts when the rough days are here.

As I look out the window and see the snow gently falling outside, it still feels like all of this is happening to someone else. It can't be happening to me because we have plans to move and start anew. Now it is just a bit more complicated. Thinking how to have an everyday life when the only thing that goes through my mind is holy shit!

I do feel loved and overjoyed that I have 3 wonderful kids who really showed their true colors yesterday! The doctor suggested just enough information to inform them. "A serious condition but curable with a bra fight". Kevin came home first and I told him. Then I joked around and said if I lost all my hair would he shave his head in solidarity? He said "yes".

Then Eric came home and I told him. Eric has been growing out his hair since August so when I asked him about shaving his head, he tilted his head to the side and said "can I just cut it shorter....." Kevin heard this and told Eric that he was shaving his head and Eric said OK.

Last was Marcus who came home, I asked him and he heard his two brothers already answer for him before he could also say yes!.  Then Kevin said, it might not be a good idea for dad to shave his head because his might not grow back.......

Blood tests were scheduled for today! They are testing everything with 12 tubes of blood being filled. Sitting in the little room with the nurse and showing her my tired arm from earlier in the week, and it hit me. The tears starting running down my cheek and there was silence in the room except for the sound of the machine moving the vials back and forth. Shit, shit, shit!

Just cancelled the one week all inclusive trip to Masplomas in the Gran Canary Islands which we should have left for on Sunday! It is obvious that it needed to be cancelled but makes for the week to be a long one with the kids home from school and me doing all the tests at the hospital.

The information about all the tests just arrived in the mail. It was a thick package almost like when you get accepted into college but not as fun! Bone marrow sample, CAT scan, larger biopsy and who knows what else is planned for Tuesday and Wednesday. Looking forward to getting it over with so I know excactly what I am facing to kick some butt! The growth is on-in-with-around(?) the supraclavicular lymph glands and is about 7 cm big!

It feels good but strange to tell people who ask or who I do business with. The only thing is that when saying "I have aggressive non hodgins lymphoma" there is a silence as most don't know what to say. I know cause I was just like that too.

Now I have made the decision to suspend all operations in Creative Brick Zone and cancel all the birthday parties that were booked from March onwards. I really love what I do and I will miss it during these months!

A highlight of the day are the flowers from the neighbors! They really perk the place up now that the house is not styled anymore.......

I feel after just 24 hours that this is a crazy rollercoaster ride especially with my emotions! (and I am holding on tight and won't let go!)