Still here, still fighting, still looking forward, still.........

I don’t really know where to start. 

Should I start at the beginning and go forward or should I take a look back? 

2021 was a really shit year. Most of 2020 was also a shit year. 

Some highs or positive things did happen during these last two years but sadly there was so much shit it is sometimes hard to remember those good things. 

Every year in February I am reminded of my cancer journey and mark off the years of having survived this life so far. My first ever blog post was on Thursday, February 20, 2014 and it reminds me of that week which started on Saturday, February 15, 2014 when I first noticed something on my neck. 

Yet, today over 8 years later as I read the original blog post, it sometimes seems like it is written about somebody else. It’s February 15, 2022 and I realise that I haven’t posted at all since 2020. 

Why? 

Because I have been surviving this pandemic. Each little adjustment to our lives that has been made over the last two years has been done willingly so we could collectively get back to our way of life. We’ve followed the science, did the research and kept ourselves safe while minimising our risks. We got our shots and boosters, did the weekly testing and I even volunteered at the vaccination centres so I could help but also to see other humans after being so long in lockdown. 

The whole family worked or went to school from home and that caused everyone to adjust and adapt to each other like never before. I did not enjoy every minute of this, I must admit. Each of us have survived this differently. The pressure was immense to keep things normal but each day in lockdown (and Brexit at the same time) chipped away at the old life and put us in a holding pattern. We are still in the pandemic, in a holding pattern, mostly I think because the world leaders were more often concerned with the politics than for the wellbeing of their people. 

2020 when the first lockdowns started we never thought it would last this long so we adapted and accepted many things for the greater good. Trips were cancelled, grocery shopping was done by one person (me), friends were seen through zoom and we lived in our own bubble. As I write this, the emotions come over me and I realise I felt so bad because I couldn’t remember the good because of all the bad seemed overwhelming. Why can’t I see the forest for the trees? 

So, I just looked back through my instagram account for the last year. I’m sorry to say that I was wrong about 2021 being a shit year. It is just me with a shit memory. 

Skye and Hasse

Lake District

Lake District

Isle of Skye

Isle of Skye

Sweden

Paris

Marseille

Marseille

Iceland

Iceland

These memories are my 2021: Foxes in the garden. New president. February 1 was first vaccination. Bagels. Snow. Zoom quizzes. Frogs. Long walks. April weeklong visit to the Lake District. Met Mr. Blue. LEGO workshops at school. Mr. Blue moved in May 30th. Teardrop camper ordered June 14th. A week in Scotland, Isle of Skye with our dog and her puppy nephew. Lavender Farm. Summer in Sweden after two years away. Paris, Marseille and Iceland in September. Brave Wandering Teardrop is on the road for a couple of nights. Ted Lasso in Richmond. Holidays in USA with family after two years away. 

Thank goodness for these times. They pulled me through the shitty year. These things gave me hope when I needed it most. I made them happen to save myself and pull me through. (Reminder that we only post the good and that is not the whole picture of our lives.) 

Bad times (cleaned up): Feeling trapped during lockdown to not do what I did before to live my life. Yelling in frustration to people who had nothing to do with the frustration. Watching and feeling helpless how being at home for school is not beneficial to a student’s learning and growth. Feeling lonely. Tired, all the time. Not letting go when I should. How we have all changed in ways we never thought we would. Feeling helpless because life is short and it seems I am standing still. Trying to do everything and anything to fix the “bad” things. Still tired. 

Dear 2021: Thank you for the time spent with friends and family in Scotland, Sweden, France, Iceland and USA. Thanks for letting me take care of Mr. Blue for 8 weeks. Thank you for my friends. 

Dear 2022: What will become of you? I now look forward and plan but still try to take it all one day at a time. Support for upcoming exams with silly jokes, snacks, food and revision textbooks. Time spent with friends. Travel through the UK and Europe with Mr. Blue Skye a.k.a the Brave Wandering Teardrop. Stopping to take in the view, smelling the coffee and making new memories in this journey of life. 

C’mon, who is joining me?

2020. Hindsight. 9/11. United. Living a life.

 Today is 9/11. It is 19 years since the world changed so fundamentally. It is a time for reflection. It is a time for thankfulness and for being grateful for the world around us. 

But then I look up and around me on my dog walk this morning. Yes, it is a beautiful morning with the sun shining through the clouds with a faint orange-red glow and I think to the fires on the West Coast of America and all that are suffering. We can all agree that 2020 is a shit year and we still have almost 4 months left.

2001, we united, we cared for each other, we were nicer.

2020 has been pandemic, lockdown, senseless killings of blacks, protests against the systemic racism that exists today, Brexit and the culmination of 4 years of divisive politics are the things that my brain has been focused on. How have we become numb to over 200,000 people dying in the USA and almost 1 million in total from around the world? I am tired, we are all tired. We need these things resolved. Each person can make a difference, right? 

Personally, 2020 has made me tired. More than before, everything just seems like it is a challenge to find the good. I have learned how much toilet paper a household of 5 uses during lockdown even though I didn't want to know. Every little thing is not as easy to wipe away or chalk up to someone else's stupidity. I am tired. My usual fix for this was to visit friends or go on vacation- that has not happened this year to the extent that it was needed.

Empty rolls.

The house project was fun in the beginning but the environmentally friendly builders I thought I hired turned out to be double chargers, not respectful of time, misogynistic, poor planners and still to this day not finished. This is infuriating. It has been a source of stress to the actual unfinished work along with the fact that we live in the house and see these things every day. And yes, 6 months of lockdown has compounded the feeling.

I've liquidated my business as in times of pandemic, I did not see how washing and sterilizing the LEGO after kids played with it was a future I could envision. This was sad. 

The house and my company are just two things. There are many other things that need to be resolved but we are in limbo as we try to live our lives in these pandemic times. And all of these things are having a knock on effect. I started listing all the things but the list got too long and sad. We are all being affected both mentally and physically in ways we never thought possible. 

So many things are being missed out on by everyone. And the lack of solidarity of humans to get through this together is baffling and disheartening. In some ways we are becoming robots just to get through. This is counter-intuitive to human nature.

I miss my friends so much, I think my brain is trying to compensate. As I walk or ride around London, I keep seeing people that are doubles to people I know. For a moment I think, oh, is that Zulma? (or Charm, Michelle, Nikki, Marie, Mia, Stina, Avery, Marieke, Sanna, Annica or Carla and others I haven't seen in a while.). I am thankful for my brain to give me hope.....even though I know it's not them.

I am reviewing my routines and putting in the time for self-care, listening to music, time alone and meeting friends for coffees and dinners so I can experience the fun and pull myself through the tunnel. During September, I am riding 300 miles in a virtual London to Paris ride to raise money for Bloodcancer UK as I am 6 years in remission. Yes, that is something to celebrate!

 

I am an optimist. I am a problem-solver. I care about others. I am an ally. It will get better. I will do my part. I voted today. My new Converse were delivered.

We can't go back in time but we can remember the good times from before and strive to make new happy memories. I am thankful for family, friends, food, fun and the chance to make things better for me, my family, my friends and possibly the world. 

Be Brave. Love Life.