ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

2015.02.15

SUNDAY

It has been exactly one year today that I looked in the mirror and saw that my neck looked funny. That is a moment that I will not ever forget. It meant that the following five days were tests, questions and then a diagnosis on the 20th. holy crap.

I still remember that feeling of disbelief as Mia and I walked out of the doctor's office. I was cursing and in shock. How I managed to get through it all the way to today is really a mystery to me. I had no choice really because I love life too much to do anything else but fight it (that darn cancer).

To celebrate life and because I am in remission, we are heading this afternoon to a warmer climate with some sun, beach and relaxation. It is a well deserved time for me and the rest of the family. I really need to recharge my batteries and just enjoy myself. Going to make some happy memories.

There is a spa at the resort and I have already decided that I am going to do a different treatment each day, just because I am worth it.

The days before a trip always result in me trying to think of everything and then pack for all possibilities for all of us. This time a round I am still trying to think of everything but I am sure that I have forgotten something. (even though I have made numerous lists and then forgotten where I put them) I am exhausted but can breathe out once we have checked the luggage in and are sitting on the plane.

This year compared to last year:

I put myself first now.
I try to simplify everything I do.
I appreciate everything I see, every chance meeting I make, every raindrop and rainbow.
I look in the mirror.
I feel confident enough to cast away that niggling feeling that the cancer is going to come back and
I just enjoy life each day.
My definition of "enjoying life" has changed since last year.
I take selfies. (and I think it's fun too)
I exercise often, eat well and have cut out almost all processed foods.
I only hang out with people that give me energy.
I have some scars on the outside that add to my character.
I still believe I can do anything as long as I set my mind to it.
I appreciate all the doctors and nurses who cared and all the scientists who researched R-CHOP.
I feel thankful and overwhelmed by all the people in my life.

The new me is still taking some getting used to by me, by Peter and by everyone else. (It's harder for them than it is for me.)

365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, many tears but oh so much more laughter during this time.

Now it is time for sun, sand, spa and just relaxation.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FAMILY. FRIENDS. KICKED CANCER'S ASS. LOVING LIFE. LIVING LIFE. 

UPS and DOWNS

2015.02.08

Sunday

Life is like riding a roller coaster up and down, day in and day out.

Some roller coasters scare the crap out of me and I refuse to ride them. Others like The Dragon at Legoland are just right with a bit of excitement as we start up the incline and then just enough nerve tickling turns and acceleration as we head down towards the finish.

I have ridden The Dragon in Denmark, Windsor and Florida so many times but it is still exciting and a little bit scary each and every time we get to the top and hold our breath for the ride down. Getting out at the end is usually a relief but also a let down because it is over.

It is almost a year ago that I discovered and got diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. holy crap how time flies..........hahahhahaha.

OK. Yes in remission for more than 6 months now. Yippie.

The new me is taking on new challenges and also trying new things like trying to overcome some of my fears.

Fear of heights
Fear of eating vegetables that are healthy...
Fear of being wrong. *lucky that hasn't happened yet*

My fear of heights is being challenged each day mainly due to construction work being done near the kids school (for the next two years) that forces me to walk over a footbridge that crosses 4 lanes of traffic. The bridge is narrow and I just look down at my feet and walk right across the middle in a quick pace (while holding my breath or hyperventilating). My kids think it is funny and sometimes try and make me more nervous on the bridge by walking slowly in front of me. How many times do I need to walk over it until this fear subsides?

VEGETABLES. My main ingested foods up until last October were mainly processed foods and fast foods. Vegetables and fruits were after thoughts. This has probably not been the best plan for living a healthy life. So, the new me is trying new vegetables and I am pleasantly surprised so far that I can actually try one and like it.

VEGETABLES CONQUERED: zucchini, courgettes, peppers, sweet potatoes and spinach.
Going to try in 2015: avocado and hummus

Fear of being wrong is really about not having control over everything. This is a daily challenge that is compounded by the fact that those darn-side effects of chemotherapy have changed me. My attention span is shorter and my ability to retain the knowledge reaches a maximum each day. I can't keep track of things like I used to. This is only frustrating when I realize it, otherwise I just go with the flow until it becomes a flood.....

So the great flood has come. I have been eating healthy (no processed foods) since October and working out in the gym. That was supposed to be the recipe for fat loss. Ha ha. Not lost anything since November. Yes, it is frustrating. So, got some blood work and toxicology tests done to get some advanced biochemical feedback. That was interesting. Results show some missing vitamins and amino acids among other things. It now means 3 months of supplements to re-balance everything inside so that I can loss some fat.

This is extremely frustrating. Working out for 4 months and it feels like I am standing still in relation to this goal. This is the worst roller coaster ride ever. Eating well, exercising and still no results. Maybe we are destined to be a certain weight? I know that healthy eating is here to stay for me along with the exercise- that is logical. Doing all the work and not losing - that is not logical.  KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS. A solution or answer is on the horizon.

Luckily for me, the downs are balanced by the ups.

Crossing the Millenium Bridge on the way to the Tate. 

WHAT ARE THE UPs? Spending time with friends and family. This week was a visit to the Tate Modern Musuem to see an exhibit of Dumas. Very cool and interesting exhibit. Another example is just today when we went to a restaurant called STOCKHOLM which is run by Swedes here in London. We went with Kristina, Magnus and their children (who attend the same school as our kids and are from Sweden). We ate typical Swedish food and finished it off with a semla. YUM YUM.

This will be a busy week if I do everything on my list. Starting off the week tomorrow with a long walk before my workout. Good Night! Sleep tight!

KEEPING FIT. LOVING MY FITBIT CHARGE HR.
EATING HEALTHY. NEW FAVORITE IS SHRIMP STIR-FRY.
FRIENDS. LAUGHING. HUGS. SMILES. KICKING BUTT.