Three month check up anxiety

2014.09.21

Good Morning! Only two days left until I have my 3 month check up.

My brain is saying what happens if it is back? My heart is saying it will be ok. My body is confused.

I am in Sweden for the check-up and spending time at Mia's house to give me the strength I need to face this mentally.

In between being at Mia's house I am finding and making the time to try and tackle the other things on my list that have been put off for so long. Not so easy to get motivated for those "other things". In the big scheme of life those other things really don't matter, but of course the tax authorities don't agree.

I have also the dilemma of so little time here and so many people to see that I don't end up seeing anyone. I am really a person that gets my energy from meeting and being with other people. So, I will need to determine how I am going to handle this in the future.

I feel I am rambling and having just random thoughts. My heart is racing and my chest is tight from thinking of all of this.  OK deep breaths, calm down.

I arrived Friday night at 1 am (actually Saturday morning) and drove to the summer house in the intense fog in a rented car. I was so nervous I was wide awake and thought of many things.

REFLECTIONS from a middle of the night drive:

There were no cars out on the road. It was like being on another planet.

Life is pretty good and I am very blessed to have all the people I have in my life. Why don't I appreciate that more?

How can I be a good friend to all that I know? What does it take to be a good friend?

Is it ok to prioritize myself before others? (it is still an issue for me)

When will the fog that is enveloping my brain disappear and let me just be me?

I overcame my fear of the dark when I made it home to the house and everything around me was totally dark.  (worried someone might jump out just like in a scene from a scary movie)

I totally like (ok- love) city living.

For my birthday next year I would like to eat lunch with Julia Roberts, Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep all at the same time.

I need my alone time but don't really like being alone. Who does?

Do I spend enough time on myself? Do I think I deserve it?

LUCKILY, I made it home safe and sound.

Today is visiting with a couple of friends, finishing up as best I can my duties in the "other things" area and trying to keep busy in that slow sort of way. Keeping busy will help keep the focus off the impending follow up check up.  Thanks for all your support and words of encouragement.

My levelheaded self  says - whatever happens I will get through it. It is true.

Really don't know where I would be without the love and support of my family and friends. Thanks for making my world and reality a really fantastic place! 

LOVED. GRATEFUL. HUGGED. FRIENDS. LAUGHS. WINE. CANDY. KICKING SOME BUTT.