THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT

2014.09.23

TUESDAY

Sitting at 12,000 meters above the earth on the way to London as I write of today's events.(looking out from the airplane window with Coldplay "I think I see stars" blaring in my ears and I am tapping my feet..)

Three month check up with my doctor is today.

Opened my eyes this morning and was instantly awake and alert. High alert and thoughts of what the day was going to bring. Mia peeked her head in and said good morning. Felt so good to be at her house. I ate breakfast after showering and packing the suitcases.

We laughed a bit about the visit on Sunday evening to the summer house by the moose who ate the padding on our trampoline. 

I dropped Mia at the subway station and continued on my way to the hospital for my early morning appointment. Of course there was traffic, but I enjoyed using the Bluetooth in the rental car to listen to my kick ass play list. 


The last two weeks the anxiety has been building and I started to worry if the cancer had come back. So today I would get an answer to all of my 20 questions. Anxious but hopeful.

As the clock strikes nine, the doctor comes out to get me so we can walk back to his office. He has a great smile and the small talk was comforting.

OK- results of yesterday's blood tests, he says, are fantastic. So no worries there. I am relieved but hesitant.

Time for me to voice all my concerns. The doctor has really good answers to all of my questions. I tell him that since he told me way back in June that everything was OK, I have been exhausted and fatigued and had bad side effects from the chemo and that the last two weeks have been anxious knowing the appointment was coming up. How could I be so strong during chemo and so weak after?

He leans back in his chair, smiles and says "if I could record and playback what you just said, it would be just like what all the others that come in here say. You have fought so hard during chemo that your body is thanking you by making you slow down to allow it to recover and that recovery will take a year or two."

But still the question remains: How do I know it hasn't come back and what tests would be done? 

He calms me with his answer of the fact that he bases further tests on one of the following three things being unusual:

• Blood test results
• How I tell him I am feeling
• Results of physical examination where he checks all my lymph nodes.

All three of these were good, so I am good. It's a relief and I can finally relax and exhale.

Next appointment in the middle of January. (No stress until after New Years)

I wondered why I can get warm or hot all of sudden and is it because cancer is back or maybe it is the onset of menopause? (Yippee...) He says a blood test will give an indication of that but chemo to people in "my age" usually brings on menopause. (Yippee....) So he lets me take one more blood test at the lab and will inform me by letter in a week or two. (Don't know how I will celebrate that milestone.)

The nurse sets up my next appointment in January and books the operation to remove the central line the day after the appointment. She is so kind and caring.

I go down to the lab so they can poke me. There are two nurses in the room, obviously the one who is going to poke me is new and being observed. The observer says to the nurse- OK pull up the test, OK you don't have to ask her anything. I say, it's OK you can ask me something. They both laugh and she says, how are you? I reply, I am fine, just got good results from 3 month check up. Then Peter calls as she is trying to decide where to poke me. I say in English to him- can't talk now she is doing the test to see if I have that old woman's disease and can't talk now. hahaha. She says, is that what it's called in English? No, but maybe it should be..... My age is catching up with me. She is successful in extracting blood and says that I have a glow about me and a great attitude. My response: I survived cancer and the future is looking good. 

OK, now I have 3 hours until I need to be at the airport. It was time for some shopping because tonight we have an important dinner to go to in London. It is all the new partners and their spouses. I will be meeting them for the first time. A little nervous and nothing to wear. 

I am not ready to wear a dress yet cause my meeting with the personal shopper is on Thursday.

So, I am going to rock it my own way. Black boots, black pants, black sweater and red jacket. I am going to be me. 

Of course, the plane is a half hour delayed in boarding because the crew had to land the other plane first and then jog over to us to fly us to London. We will hopefully make up the time.

Then the plan is home to change, hug the kids and we are off to the city. We will be a little late but finally we can start enjoying our new life. 

The doctor reminded me not to overdo it and to let the family know that I need to have time for my body to recover. I will have to remind myself often.

No tattoo until February is the doctor's opinion. I need to finalize the design and wait for some of the side effects of one of the drugs to wear off. Hope I am still brave enough to do it then.

I CAN LOOK OUT OVER THE HORIZON AND SEE POTENTIAL. 

I ENDEAVOR TO MAKE EACH DAY COUNT- make myself happy and those around me to feel that happy energy.

FRIENDS. LOVED. GRATEFUL. DR KARLSSON. HAPPY. SMILING.

Landed, cab home, showered, dressed and on the tube to Covent Garden to meet the others at the restaurant. We made it in less than 2 hours. That must be a record. It was  great night to meet all of his colleagues and to enjoy a good meal. It really made for a long and exciting day. #londonliving   #thefutureisbright

LOVE TO ALL OF YOU. 
LIFE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST.

Three month check up anxiety

2014.09.21

Good Morning! Only two days left until I have my 3 month check up.

My brain is saying what happens if it is back? My heart is saying it will be ok. My body is confused.

I am in Sweden for the check-up and spending time at Mia's house to give me the strength I need to face this mentally.

In between being at Mia's house I am finding and making the time to try and tackle the other things on my list that have been put off for so long. Not so easy to get motivated for those "other things". In the big scheme of life those other things really don't matter, but of course the tax authorities don't agree.

I have also the dilemma of so little time here and so many people to see that I don't end up seeing anyone. I am really a person that gets my energy from meeting and being with other people. So, I will need to determine how I am going to handle this in the future.

I feel I am rambling and having just random thoughts. My heart is racing and my chest is tight from thinking of all of this.  OK deep breaths, calm down.

I arrived Friday night at 1 am (actually Saturday morning) and drove to the summer house in the intense fog in a rented car. I was so nervous I was wide awake and thought of many things.

REFLECTIONS from a middle of the night drive:

There were no cars out on the road. It was like being on another planet.

Life is pretty good and I am very blessed to have all the people I have in my life. Why don't I appreciate that more?

How can I be a good friend to all that I know? What does it take to be a good friend?

Is it ok to prioritize myself before others? (it is still an issue for me)

When will the fog that is enveloping my brain disappear and let me just be me?

I overcame my fear of the dark when I made it home to the house and everything around me was totally dark.  (worried someone might jump out just like in a scene from a scary movie)

I totally like (ok- love) city living.

For my birthday next year I would like to eat lunch with Julia Roberts, Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep all at the same time.

I need my alone time but don't really like being alone. Who does?

Do I spend enough time on myself? Do I think I deserve it?

LUCKILY, I made it home safe and sound.

Today is visiting with a couple of friends, finishing up as best I can my duties in the "other things" area and trying to keep busy in that slow sort of way. Keeping busy will help keep the focus off the impending follow up check up.  Thanks for all your support and words of encouragement.

My levelheaded self  says - whatever happens I will get through it. It is true.

Really don't know where I would be without the love and support of my family and friends. Thanks for making my world and reality a really fantastic place! 

LOVED. GRATEFUL. HUGGED. FRIENDS. LAUGHS. WINE. CANDY. KICKING SOME BUTT.

Remission and recovery make for an anxious time..

2014.09.17

Too many things to think about. Next week is the three month follow-up to see if I am still in remission. Just thinking about that brings the anxiety levels up.

It is a weird feeling and a bit worrisome to think about if the cancer is really gone or if it has come back. I try not to think about it and it works most of the time.

The few times that it crosses my mind it just makes me stop and think. Then I think, ok, be thankful you are alive and just enjoy the here and now.

I do that for a bit but my energy levels and physical well-being are not what they are used to be. I am constantly reminded of that fact with each and every step I take. That's the part about cancer recovery that sucks. The body has taken a beating with chemo and now it needs just as long if not longer to recover. I just don't want to waste any time.

Time is so precious. My kids are away on their class trips this week. It is quieter at home but the days are still spent making sure they are ok.

Luckily for me, Annica came to visit on Monday afternoon. My first visitor from Sweden. We walked around the neighborhood and ate dinner at the great pub called The Dove on the Thames. Great food, great company and a break from the daily routines.

I do not miss Sweden at all. I am a little surprised by that actually. Maybe it is all the "new" here that is keeping me busy that I don't have time to think about it too much.

I miss my friends in Sweden. (You all know who you are....)

I forgot to call my mom on her birthday. *Thanks to chemo brain*


My observations these past few days:

The sense of politeness is really unbelievable. So many people saying "sorry" so many times just makes you feel calm. It is hard to get irritated with someone who has just apologized for something.

The eerie silence on a packed train platform during rush hour as we all waited for the next train. A couple of hundred if not a thousand people and it was totally quiet. Very cool! Wish I could have recorded that moment somehow because it was so special.

Christmas decorations are already on sale!

Not caring about the looks I get while wearing my mask on the train and buses anymore. Hopefully I will get the all green to not need it after next week.


STILL LOVED. STILL GRATEFUL. STILL ALIVE. STILL BEING BRAVE.

Friday is finally here.

2014.09.12

Back to the daily routine. School for the kids and me trying to rest in between all the picking up and dropping off of the kids.

It has been a long week.

How to get a better recovery from cancer? Some studies say that walking each day aids in the recovery. I am walking every day but it is a paradox. If I just lay around at home and rest- my joints hurt. If I go for a walk, my joints hurt.

Maybe I am building up my conditioning? I don't know but all this walking is making me more hungry and that is never good when I am trying (ok, just thinking about) to be on a diet.

There are moments when I can appreciate all the new things that we are experiencing. I treasure them.

Some examples:
Sitting at the coffee shop and reading the newspaper while I drink my coffee. Along comes an older lady and then a less older lady and sit at the table right next to me. The younger lady tell the older one she will get here a tea and a scone. It becomes evident that this younger lady is the older one's caretaker. I listen to how nice to she treats the older lady and how she explains everything to her. The older lady probably had some memory and clarity issues which made it even more poignant. As they got up to leave the old lady said goodbye to me. I said to the younger lady that I hope someone as nice as her takes care of me when I am "older". It was really moving how caring she was.

A call from the chef at the place where my older son will spend a week on his class trip. This chef called me to go through the menu and to reassure me that they were going to make sure his food issues were accommodated. We spoke for an half hour. I was crying tears of happiness by the end of the conversation.  It was an amazing feeling to say the least.

I started Pilate's this week. A beginner class which at the end all of us participants agreed that it felt like an expert class. I was sore for two days after. I will need to see if the pain lessens or if I did too much.

The countless times someone says "sorry" or shows some other politeness. It is really different than what we are used to. It makes you feel good when someone says Thank you or Cheers.

The owner of the crepe restaurant that waves to me almost every time we get of the bus right outside his place. He does a really big wave with a nice big grin on his face. Is he flirting or does he just want us to come back and patronize his restaurant. The kids do love the crepes he makes and its only 1 block from our house.

The barista at Starbucks that knows my name.

I met with a personal shopper and will meet again in two weeks to go shopping. The new me? The well-dressed me? A new start? A new look?

Those were some of the things that I am lucky enough to experience here. I am forever grateful for all of these little things.

I am starting to get into a routine but I am definitely not up to the task of completing all those things that I have been putting off yet. They weigh me down but both physically and mentally there is not enough energy to do them yet.

One other "little" thing is also in the back of my mind. My 3 month check up is in 10 days. So worried that the cancer really isn't gone. Maybe it was a dream. I have many questions for the doctor and will ask him all of them. I just hope he can show some good proof that the cancer cells are gone or dead.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. HAPPY. TIRED. WALKING. MOVING JOINTS. OPEN EYES.

Me time!

2014.09.09

It is a frustrating life as one recovers from cancer. There are so many reminders all the time, whether it is to look down while I am walking so I don't trip,  having to ask someone to help me unscrew the top off a bottle of soda, or cringing in pain as I get up from a sitting position to a standing position and start to walk.

So, I try to focus on just living and most of the time try to ignore all these side effect things.

Yes, it is hopefully going to get better but it will take a year or so, according to the doctor. Every achy step I take is a step closer to recovering.

I look back to all that I have been through since February 15th and I realized that during that time: I had 6 treatments of RCHOP, got a central line put in, took care of the kids (ok, I was there at least), had my youngest son deathly ill and then diagnosed with diabetes in the middle of my chemotherapy, supervised a packing up and a move to another country while my hubby was already living there. I was focused on doing the chemotherapy with all my energy and getting better and the rest of the stuff was just stuff I had to do using the least amount of my energy to survive. Does that make sense?

Once the doctor said remission just before the end of June it was a shock and a relief. My body relaxed and the fatigue and all the other side effects hit me like a brick wall.

HAIR GROWING BACK, its thick and starting to see that it will be wavy.....

So now, here in September I realized that during this whole time, I hadn't had any alone time just me - a chance to unwind and only think of myself and only be responsible for me. As a Mom, it is quite difficult to put yourself first. (A prime example is driving my youngest to school the day after chemo and then getting back into bed and sleeping all day)

ME TIME: just me being responsible for me. The only way to accomplish this is to go somewhere where they (the rest of the family) are not and allow myself to relax for a couple of days. This is harder to do than one would imagine.

My me time was spent by the sea far away from the daily routine of life and responsibilities. I so needed this even though it was only four days. I visited a friend who was a great daily support during each and every day of my battle against cancer. THANKS NIKKI.

I visited new places by walking around a little and then sitting a lot just watching people go by. All activities were low impact and little effort. Just relaxing. It was a bit surreal to only be responsible for myself. I really should do that more often.

Eating, sitting, sleeping all the regular things just done in another country and a lot slower than I would have done it before. It was all I could handle now and just right for my recovery.

Things progressed well at home. (I even got the feedback that all three kids like their new school- they like their teachers and the work is a lot harder.....)

I charged my batteries while away.

I had time to think about all the things that I am grateful for, how many people supported me in so many ways. I had time to think about the future and what it could look like. I had time to laugh, smile, eat good food and just let the anxiety of living as a cancer survivor slip away.

I arrived back on Sunday evening and got the shortest update ever about all that had happened while I was gone.

Yesterday was back to the routines again: taking the kids to school, getting a minimal amount of housework done, walking the dog to the park, picking the kids up from school, making some food that might be construed as dinner and then hitting the sack exhausted but happy.  (except for the fact that someone in the family had eaten the rest of my Milano cookies....)

Today was more of the same routines. I need to keep taking baby steps forward. I know this because as soon as I do too much my body yells at me!!! (LOUD AND CLEAR)

In two weeks it will be my 3 month check-up to see what is going on. I am trying not to get too anxious......relax, deep breaths, ...............it will be fine whatever the news, at least I am confident in that much.

LOVE TO YOU ALL. GRATEFUL. SUN. SMILES. HAPPY KIDS. ONE DAY. LIVE IN THE HERE AND NOW.

Too much on my mind.

2014.09.02

MONDAY

Good Morning Monday! The kids are up without too much trouble even though it is only day 4 in the new school year. There are a lot of things to remember each day but they have already caught on to the routine.

We have even started to fine tune the time of departure in the morning for the bus. The trip takes a lot less time than I had originally calculated. They seem like old pros waiting for the bus and getting on and off. I am impressed with their resilience and adaptability.

Impressed much less with my own. I think I can do more than I really can. This was clearly evident when around 9:30 today I noticed that my sweater was on backwards and I already been out in public for almost 2 hours.  It was a v neck light sweater. YEP - no fashion sense and not so much looking in the mirror for me before I go out the door. (I will need to remedy that in the coming days and weeks)

Too many things still left undone from the life before cancer. I mean things that I am obligated to do but have not had the strength to tackle yet. The clock is ticking and I must get them done. Will need a plan.

I have been concentrated on fighting the cancer battle for the last 8 months and sprinkled in was a bit of life changing events including Eric getting diabetes. It has been focus, focus, focus.

There hasn't been so much time for me to just concentrate on myself. The time has finally come for a few days away for me to just focus on me. Of course before I go, I have typed up the instruction list for Peter. I am going to let go and focus on me.

My hair is getting thicker and some places on my head are growing faster than others, like for example around my ears. WHY is that so? It is annoying to be in the in-between stage but its a good annoying. It might be time for a trim.

So excited that a few friends have already booked flights to come and visit us.

SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS: THAT IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT. TO BE ENJOYED, TO BE LIVED, TO LAUGH A LOT.

I am lucky to get away. It is definitely good for my sanity to take a break and just be in the here and now. Flying alone is like flying first class.

Yesterday Nikki sent me the fantastic words that Meryl Streep has said she lives by :

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” 

I would love to meet and have lunch with Meryl Streep. Maybe one day it will happen. I saw Colin Firth a few days ago walking on the high road and we made intense eye contact with each other. You just never know, it could just happen, Meryl and I eating lunch........

(Itunes keeps track of how many times each song is played. Tonight I saw that BRAVE by Sara Bareilles has been played over 850 times. Definitely my fight song!)

STILL LOVED. NEW ROUTINES. ME TIME. TAKE IT SLOW. LOVE LIFE. BE BRAVE.


  

It's the little things......

2014.09.01

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday

All those good little things usually add up to something great and that is called LIFE.

Yes, there are less good things that happen too and I sometimes blow my lid, but luckily my chemo brain forgets them quick enough and I can smile at the good things.

Boys are positive to school. We get to school on time. (OK we get to school too early because I don't want us to be late.) They are finding their way to and from school and also in this new international environment. A new chance for them to learn more about themselves really. I am proud of them and get teary eyed as soon as I think about it.

I drove on Friday about 1,5 hours in total to get the all important parking permit. Very proud of myself for driving on the left side of the road, obeying all traffic regulations and not hitting anyone or anything.  I do see areas that need improvement and that would be parallel parking and backing up. The first day I only made left turns so I wouldn't have to cross traffic.

If I don't feel like cooking or just haven't been to the supermarket and bought the right food- it is too easy to eat out or order in with delivery. That is good that I am conserving my energy.

With the arrival of the car comes the longing to explore further afield than the neighborhood. I took a chance this weekend and realized I needed to frame it just right so the kids would follow along. I have used the tactic of only give as little information as possible and promise a big ice cream or a dessert. If that fails, use the ultimatum of taking away the computer and all other screens so they want to come..........it works every time.

Sticky toffee pudding at the Swan Inn

I knew that I could get away with about an hour drive each way. So, I looked on the map, did some searching and found something called a AONB. This is a designation called Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. It was an hour away and we could choose between some different lengths for the walking hike. I picked a 3 mile hike both for my sake and the kids sake. We went to Inkpen and ate lunch first at the Swan Inn. Great fish and chips and really really good desserts.

Sophie met a big pig during our hike.

This is a drove road. It means it was used way back when to  take the cattle to market.

Fighter jets in formation just passing by.

The walk was long and we took it slow. Sophie loved it too. I could barely walk by the time we got back to the car. It was my turn to drive home (on the highway).  It was an experience, that's all I am going to say.

The past few weeks I have been too tired to unpack any boxes. The only know cure for that reluctance and lack of strength to unpack is to invite dinner guests for Sunday dinner.  That meant we got to unpack another 10 boxes Saturday night and a couple more the next morning before Stephen and Pearl and their 3 children arrived.

It was so much fun for Peter to grill the meat from our butcher on our new grill. Good friends, good food and good times.

This morning was school again. Some interesting developments at school and a fun PTA meeting is the way to spend a Monday morning. The afternoon was spent on a little quick adventure to the mall for some fun shopping.

Yes, we ordered Chinese food from our new favorite Chinese restaurant and they delivered within a half hour. YUM YUM.

Then all those school papers and forms needed to be filled out before I could sit here and pen today's entry.

Love the international flavor of people at the school. I am totally fascinated by all the different languages spoken. I need to brush up on my Spanish and Italian so I can communicate more.

Got teary eyed before we each had to present ourselves as I realized how thankful I am to even be here. Pulled myself together long enough to remember what grades my kids are in and what my name is.

The please and thank you culture here is really refreshing. It makes you smile.

My hair is growing in and it has got a tiny mohawk look to it if I brush it backwards when its wet. It will be fun to see what my hair will do these next few months.

Making new friends in a new place. Just need to decide my level of engagement so I don't overdo it.

Appreciating how far I have come in such a short time and how lucky I am to have so many fantastic friends supporting me and caring about me every step of the way. It is still a humbling feeling.

Loving the city living totally. Glad we did this.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. NEW FRIENDS. NEW PLACES. DRIVING. NEW FOODS. LIVING LIFE. LOVING LIVE. BEING BRAVE.