(10 years after cancer) An appreciation post for the journey called life.

I’m alive. 

(Turn Sia’s song to highest volume and on repeat to get your day going today.)

Life is for living. 

Every day is your life. 

Make the most of each day. 

Revel in the glimmers. 

Handle the lows. 

Be kind.

Each minute is a possibility to a new experience, 

a shared experience, 

something to learn 

or maybe something to laugh about.

Be Curious not judgemental.

This is me.

I have a sunny (mostly), realistic attitude trying* to manifest my dreams.

(*damn sure I will succeed)

TEN YEARS is 3,653 days since I heard the words “You have cancer”

It is 21,481 days on this earth for me today. It is 1,481 days since I had my 20,000 days old party. I could go on but, really I only think of these days during the middle of February for the diagnosis and the end of June every year when treatment was finished. All the other days I am just living my life according to the above guidelines/lifelines.

10 years with

FRIENDS and FAMILY

EXPERIENCES

TRAVEL

MOMENTS

MUSIC

NATURE

GRATITUDE

All the joy that I have from the combination of the these things is overwhelming.

I think I have kind of Marie Kondo’d anything that hasn’t brought me joy. It is so freeing to do things or be with people who bring you joy. Anything else is a life less lived.

FRIENDS- I will say that if I am lucky enough to be your friend, Thank you for being you, I am a better person for it. I appreciate each and every one of you. As Alfred Lord Tennyson said “I am part of all that I’ve met.”

EXPERIENCES, TRAVEL, MOMENTS, MUSIC, NATURE - all the possible variations to share with friends. The essence of life for me. I have really embraced this in the last 10 years and especially in the last 4 years during and after covid. 

Here is the current list of the best:

A year of P!nk concerts. Four (or was it 5?) concerts in 3 different countries

Project manager for house renovations twice, but the current one is the best one ever on so many levels.

Raising money for Blood Cancer in the UK by riding my bicycle from London to Paris with 4 friends and 200 other people (who became friends after that trip). 

Europe favourite trips: Tuscany and cycling, Milano with friends, Southern Spain, Barcelona loving Gaudi, Lisbon shots with the girls, The Netherlands…too much to say, Paris parties and Versailles with the fam, Girl’s weekends in Berlin, Madrid, Lisbon, Amsterdam, Stockholm and Taos. Epic weekend in Tenby with 28 friends.

Exploring Colombia: Bogota, Cartagena and Armenia. Lucky to do this twice!!!!

Islands are in my blood: Long Island, NY; Manhattan, Isle of Skye (with a dog and a puppy) and the Outer Hebrides in my teardrop, Menorca which just feels right and the volcanic island of Iceland to witness an erupting volcano in person.

USA or Sweden for the holidays to spend the quality time with family. Always a priority for us as a family.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say moving to the UK 10 years ago right after treatment was finished was life changing. London also feels like home. 

My newfound interest for Women’s football in the UK happened when the Lionesses won the EUROs of 2022 and then I became an Arsenal fan which then led me to the coolest experience of 2023. Almost a month in Australia for the Women’s world cup was a dream come true on so many levels. Being there live in the stadiums for the round of 16, quarter-finals, semi-finals and the Final. PRICELESS.

Chasing Sunrises and Sunsets gives me so much joy to witness nature do it’s magnificent thing.

Incredible women making beautiful music with songs that talk to the heart (P!nk, Sia, Miley Cyrus, Kelly Clarkson and Sara Bareilles, among others). They are healing, uplifting, empowering songs that are on repeat.

Improving my Spanish is so fulfilling because to know the people and their culture you need to speak their language. I even made a joke in Spanish today. ;-)

A golden thread, the never ending beauty of a sunset, winds through my life as all of these experiences of living life are with the people you care for most. Just that in it self brings a smile to my face.

I get the positive energy and re-charge my batteries from being with friends and sharing life experiences with them. I aim to reciprocate and give energy by listening or telling a joke to make you smile.

Grateful for each day. 

BE. BRAVE. LOVE. LIFE.

Still here, still fighting, still looking forward, still.........

I don’t really know where to start. 

Should I start at the beginning and go forward or should I take a look back? 

2021 was a really shit year. Most of 2020 was also a shit year. 

Some highs or positive things did happen during these last two years but sadly there was so much shit it is sometimes hard to remember those good things. 

Every year in February I am reminded of my cancer journey and mark off the years of having survived this life so far. My first ever blog post was on Thursday, February 20, 2014 and it reminds me of that week which started on Saturday, February 15, 2014 when I first noticed something on my neck. 

Yet, today over 8 years later as I read the original blog post, it sometimes seems like it is written about somebody else. It’s February 15, 2022 and I realise that I haven’t posted at all since 2020. 

Why? 

Because I have been surviving this pandemic. Each little adjustment to our lives that has been made over the last two years has been done willingly so we could collectively get back to our way of life. We’ve followed the science, did the research and kept ourselves safe while minimising our risks. We got our shots and boosters, did the weekly testing and I even volunteered at the vaccination centres so I could help but also to see other humans after being so long in lockdown. 

The whole family worked or went to school from home and that caused everyone to adjust and adapt to each other like never before. I did not enjoy every minute of this, I must admit. Each of us have survived this differently. The pressure was immense to keep things normal but each day in lockdown (and Brexit at the same time) chipped away at the old life and put us in a holding pattern. We are still in the pandemic, in a holding pattern, mostly I think because the world leaders were more often concerned with the politics than for the wellbeing of their people. 

2020 when the first lockdowns started we never thought it would last this long so we adapted and accepted many things for the greater good. Trips were cancelled, grocery shopping was done by one person (me), friends were seen through zoom and we lived in our own bubble. As I write this, the emotions come over me and I realise I felt so bad because I couldn’t remember the good because of all the bad seemed overwhelming. Why can’t I see the forest for the trees? 

So, I just looked back through my instagram account for the last year. I’m sorry to say that I was wrong about 2021 being a shit year. It is just me with a shit memory. 

Skye and Hasse

Lake District

Lake District

Isle of Skye

Isle of Skye

Sweden

Paris

Marseille

Marseille

Iceland

Iceland

These memories are my 2021: Foxes in the garden. New president. February 1 was first vaccination. Bagels. Snow. Zoom quizzes. Frogs. Long walks. April weeklong visit to the Lake District. Met Mr. Blue. LEGO workshops at school. Mr. Blue moved in May 30th. Teardrop camper ordered June 14th. A week in Scotland, Isle of Skye with our dog and her puppy nephew. Lavender Farm. Summer in Sweden after two years away. Paris, Marseille and Iceland in September. Brave Wandering Teardrop is on the road for a couple of nights. Ted Lasso in Richmond. Holidays in USA with family after two years away. 

Thank goodness for these times. They pulled me through the shitty year. These things gave me hope when I needed it most. I made them happen to save myself and pull me through. (Reminder that we only post the good and that is not the whole picture of our lives.) 

Bad times (cleaned up): Feeling trapped during lockdown to not do what I did before to live my life. Yelling in frustration to people who had nothing to do with the frustration. Watching and feeling helpless how being at home for school is not beneficial to a student’s learning and growth. Feeling lonely. Tired, all the time. Not letting go when I should. How we have all changed in ways we never thought we would. Feeling helpless because life is short and it seems I am standing still. Trying to do everything and anything to fix the “bad” things. Still tired. 

Dear 2021: Thank you for the time spent with friends and family in Scotland, Sweden, France, Iceland and USA. Thanks for letting me take care of Mr. Blue for 8 weeks. Thank you for my friends. 

Dear 2022: What will become of you? I now look forward and plan but still try to take it all one day at a time. Support for upcoming exams with silly jokes, snacks, food and revision textbooks. Time spent with friends. Travel through the UK and Europe with Mr. Blue Skye a.k.a the Brave Wandering Teardrop. Stopping to take in the view, smelling the coffee and making new memories in this journey of life. 

C’mon, who is joining me?

2020. Hindsight. 9/11. United. Living a life.

 Today is 9/11. It is 19 years since the world changed so fundamentally. It is a time for reflection. It is a time for thankfulness and for being grateful for the world around us. 

But then I look up and around me on my dog walk this morning. Yes, it is a beautiful morning with the sun shining through the clouds with a faint orange-red glow and I think to the fires on the West Coast of America and all that are suffering. We can all agree that 2020 is a shit year and we still have almost 4 months left.

2001, we united, we cared for each other, we were nicer.

2020 has been pandemic, lockdown, senseless killings of blacks, protests against the systemic racism that exists today, Brexit and the culmination of 4 years of divisive politics are the things that my brain has been focused on. How have we become numb to over 200,000 people dying in the USA and almost 1 million in total from around the world? I am tired, we are all tired. We need these things resolved. Each person can make a difference, right? 

Personally, 2020 has made me tired. More than before, everything just seems like it is a challenge to find the good. I have learned how much toilet paper a household of 5 uses during lockdown even though I didn't want to know. Every little thing is not as easy to wipe away or chalk up to someone else's stupidity. I am tired. My usual fix for this was to visit friends or go on vacation- that has not happened this year to the extent that it was needed.

Empty rolls.

The house project was fun in the beginning but the environmentally friendly builders I thought I hired turned out to be double chargers, not respectful of time, misogynistic, poor planners and still to this day not finished. This is infuriating. It has been a source of stress to the actual unfinished work along with the fact that we live in the house and see these things every day. And yes, 6 months of lockdown has compounded the feeling.

I've liquidated my business as in times of pandemic, I did not see how washing and sterilizing the LEGO after kids played with it was a future I could envision. This was sad. 

The house and my company are just two things. There are many other things that need to be resolved but we are in limbo as we try to live our lives in these pandemic times. And all of these things are having a knock on effect. I started listing all the things but the list got too long and sad. We are all being affected both mentally and physically in ways we never thought possible. 

So many things are being missed out on by everyone. And the lack of solidarity of humans to get through this together is baffling and disheartening. In some ways we are becoming robots just to get through. This is counter-intuitive to human nature.

I miss my friends so much, I think my brain is trying to compensate. As I walk or ride around London, I keep seeing people that are doubles to people I know. For a moment I think, oh, is that Zulma? (or Charm, Michelle, Nikki, Marie, Mia, Stina, Avery, Marieke, Sanna, Annica or Carla and others I haven't seen in a while.). I am thankful for my brain to give me hope.....even though I know it's not them.

I am reviewing my routines and putting in the time for self-care, listening to music, time alone and meeting friends for coffees and dinners so I can experience the fun and pull myself through the tunnel. During September, I am riding 300 miles in a virtual London to Paris ride to raise money for Bloodcancer UK as I am 6 years in remission. Yes, that is something to celebrate!

 

I am an optimist. I am a problem-solver. I care about others. I am an ally. It will get better. I will do my part. I voted today. My new Converse were delivered.

We can't go back in time but we can remember the good times from before and strive to make new happy memories. I am thankful for family, friends, food, fun and the chance to make things better for me, my family, my friends and possibly the world. 

Be Brave. Love Life.

 

Five years and cancer free

Friday September 6, 2019

Life is strange.

Life is exciting.

Life is crazy.

Life is experiencing what is around you.

Life is slow.

Life is fast.

Life is happy.

Life is sad.

Life is friends.

Life is family.

Life is laughing.

Life is BRAVE.

Life is LOVE.

Life is being brave and loving life - no matter what you do.

I think about these things every day. Some decisions we make influence how our life will be or how it will change. Some decisions we regret and others change how we look at and live our life.

Life puts everything into perspective when we are tired or frustrated and we just want to give up, but we don’t. Life is not caring if someone is mean to you because there are billions of other people in the world. Life is shared experiences with people “who get you.” Life is being grateful for what you have because being alive is what life is all about.

2,024 days between February 20, 2014 which was the day of diagnosis of Non-hodgkins lymphoma high grade Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) and September 6, 2019.

Just one time period of the 19,853 days so far on this planet for me.
Every day should be celebrated, appreciated and cherished.

January 31, 2020, will mark 20,000 days alive. Party anyone?

September 6, 2019: It was a check-in and a check-out at the doctor's office today. Everything looked great. I am done and it's a relief. Five years of follow-up care and I got the all clear.


Here is my journey from February 20, 2014 to today:

Within 4 months of February 20, 2014, I had undergone numerous blood tests, pokes, prods, 6 rounds of RCHOP chemotherapy and countless pills on each different day of the 14-day chemo regime each round. (The steroids were fun for cleaning the house.) Then it was all the PET and CAT scans that could determine the progress of chemotherapy and its mission to decrease the number of cancer cells. Some good drugs and fantastic supportive friends helped me reach the first goal. Finally, on June 19, 2014, I heard the words (just barely) that treatment had worked. I could get on with my life. It has been a whirlwind since then.

The last half of 2014 was way better than the first half: Midsummer celebrations in Sweden. Charlotte, NC and then Florida to celebrate 50 years of marriage for my parents. Moved to London. Kids started at new school. Weekend in Malta. Personal shopper and a new wardrobe. All the NFL games in London.

Me with a very, very short hairstyle. Making new friends as the new me. Getting to explore London. Girl’s weekend in Lisbon. Christmas celebrated in London. 

2015: Haircut, 6-month cancer check-up and chemo port removed during visit to Sweden in January. Visits from so many friends during the next year.  Mauritius for February break, which replaced the cancelled trip from the year before when diagnosed. Family trip to Sierra Nevada in Southern Spain for Easter. My 50^th birthday celebration in London with old and new friends from around the world. More visits from friends. Girl’s weekend in Stockholm. Memorable Family Weekend with a few other families in Tenby, Wales for the bank holiday in May. Uni visits for Kevin. Drove through Europe to Sweden for the summer. 

1^st year in remission seemed like I did everything because I didn’t want to miss out on life.  I was exhausted from living life but so much richer for all of the experiences.

Explored England at the end of the summer with a highlight Banksy’ Dismaland park in Weston-Super-Mare. Peter completed first Bloodwise London to Paris bike ride. More visits to Sweden for haircuts. Girl’s weekend in London. Then we said goodbye to the world’s best dog, Sophie just before Christmas. That is an unfair part of life.

2016: We bought a house in London. Berlin weekend with the girls. Long weekend with friends and family on Osea Island. The highlight of the year was my first London to Paris Bike ride for the Bloodwise Cancer Charity in September. My “Be Brave, Love Life” team of Peter, Aaron, Eileen, Iannick and myself raised almost £10,000 for blood cancer research. Then I was lucky to witness the birth of Sophia and Alexander in November. We rounded off this year with a fantastic visit down under to Australia. Counting my blessings.

2017:  Israel. Scotland. Tuscany. Puppy Skye brought home. Madrid. Sweden. Taos. Charlotte. Colorado.

2018:  Nice, France girl’s weekend. Drove through Europe to Sweden. Gotland. Amsterdam Girl’s weekend. Turks and Caicos and Charlotte to end the year.

2019:  Ten days in Colombia- it was amazing.  P!nk in Concert three times: Charlotte, Greenville and London. Valencia with the boys. My brother and family visit in July to London and Paris. Finished the summer with house renovations…….(currently ongoing) Lost more than 10 kgs, finally.

Through all the ups (noted above) and downs (noted inside my head) the one thing that always gets me through is remembering that life is precious and to BE BRAVE and LOVE LIFE in everything that I do.

That’s what keeps me going………

And the family, the friends, the support, the love, the caring, the crying, the dog, the gelato, the doctors ..... all parts of my life, so essential and so inspiring and it wouldn't be life without them.

My one take-away is the same now as it was more than 5 years ago upon hearing the diagnosis:

BE BRAVE, LOVE LIFE.

(Here is the journey in pictures.)

Great hair. Realizing it will be gone soon. After diagnosis but before treatment. February 2014

1st Chemo session. Not so bad as I thought it would be.

2nd chemo session. No hair and a port operated in above my heart to get the drugs directly to the cancer cells.

Infected toenail removal same day as Eric in for DKA

Eric 3 days after intensive care for DKA.

Swedish doctor when he gave the good news of remission in June 2014.

Bald in the USA. Key West July 2014

London, August 2014 - taking precautions.

Sophie in London.

Malta, September 2014 with nice grey hair.

Lisbon girl's weekend November 2014. Lucky me.

6 months of hair growth. Out of control.

Six month check up in Sweden and a hair cut January 2015.

Mauritius, February 2015

Paradise

Sierra Nevada, Southern Spain April 2015

My amazing friends at my 50th Birthday party in London. April 2015

Stockholm May 2015, girl's weekend.

Tenby, Wales May 2015

Dismaland, Weston-Super-Mare August 2015

Photoshoot with Sophie, November 2015. 

Girl's weekend, Berlin Germany April 2016

London to Paris for Bloodwise, September 2016

Be Brave Love Life Team

Aaron, Iannick, Peter, Eileen and I at the finish line in Paris.

Newborns Sophia and Alexander November 2016

Christmas down under with Charmian and family. AMAZING. December 2016

Squeaky Beach, Australia December 2016

Jerusalem, Israel February 2017

Aberdeen, Scotland February 2017

Sophie and Alexander's photoshoot in Aberdeen 

A great day cycling in Tuscany, April 2017 

Skye is brought home. April 2017

Girl's weekend, Madrid May 2017

Magical week in Taos, NM November 2017

Eric and I visited our friends in Colorado.

New Year's Eve in Charlotte, NC 2017

The new Space Force, January 2018

Nice, France, April 2018

Never liked pictures of myself before cancer. I have learnt to embrace them now. Turks and Caicos, December 2018

My boys. December 2018

Not bad at selfies.....

Loving Life.

Bogota, Colombia, February 2019

(These 2 chiquitas....) Villa de Leyva, Colombia

Rosario Islands, Colombia

Mia and I. She has been there from the beginning. 

P!nk Concert with Nikki. March, 2019

Valencia, Spain, April 2019

Fun, Fun, Fun in Paris (and London) with this gang. July 2019

then I

Today it is just the scars left. London, September 2019

All clear after 5 years. CANCER FREE at the Royal Marsden September 6, 2019