A year survived...changes, friends, family

2015.06.24

June is always a month of changes. The days are longer, the school year is ending, people moving. I have been so lucky this year to have been accepted into the new school community. My children have made friends in their classes and are happy campers. That is such a huge relief.

Taking the time to appreciate all the good things is a good exercise because then all those things that are stressing me become manageable.

Reflection on just how far I have come in the past year gets me teary eyed.

• NO HAIR - Hair (that is slightly more curly than I would have liked)
• FANTASTIC FRIENDS - EVEN MORE FANTASTIC FRIENDS
• STOCKHOLM - LONDON
• FATIGUE - LESS FATIGUE
• Not so many visitors - LOTS AND LOTS OF VISITORS....and more to come....
• LOT OF NEW TRAVEL EXPERIENCES in London and abroad 

It is now a year since I got the all clear from the doctor.

My energy is returning, I think, but I need to really balance it with living life now.

A few weeks ago, I tested that energy level to the max and I realized I might have been overdoing it. Why????? Because I can see that I don't really know how much time is left and I want to make sure I am living life to the fullest each and every day.

In the space of a week, I was out every night, doing something every day and not resting at all. By day 7, I was really feeling the exhaustion. (I had laughed a lot, eaten a lot, drank a little, tried a lot of new things and saw a lot of new places) Then it hit me that I need to balance the "normal" daily life with all these exciting things too.

Each step of this journey of life means learning something new both about myself and my surroundings. Overwhelming to say the least.

June means that any expats that are leaving do so during this month. It makes you stop and think about all the fun times and looking forward to the next school year and that this will be different come September. This is sad. This year has been fantastic because of all the new people who took me in and accepted me and my family. It really has made the difference. Big thanks to Avery.....

Avery and I at Royal Ascot

Of course, all that good stuff is logically (?) balanced with the underlying fears that I am pretty sure everyone who has had cancer faces: RELAPSE.    

This feeling of what if.....creeps into the quiet moments (thus easier to be busy all the time). I have some changes to my body that worry me and of course when you google you can make it be the worst case scenario. Are the changes the result of the cancer, the result of the chemo, the result of a relapse, the result of too much exercise or just the result of getting older?  Do I want to call the doctor now or wait until my appointment in August?  

I just want to live my life. No more complications. Let me get used to the new me. Is that too much to ask?

BE BRAVE. LOVE LIFE. LIVE LIFE. 

CHEMO BRAIN sucks.

2014.12.04

So, I have been sitting here for 15 minutes and all I wrote was this sentence.

The definition according to cancerresearchuk.org of CHEMO BRAIN or MCI (mild cognitive impairment) is when cognitive changes occur after chemotherapy. Cognitive is the way you process information or understand the world and how it works.

Excerpt from Cancer Research UK: Most people who have cognitive changes are able to do everyday things. But they may notice they aren’t able to do some things quite as well as before they had cancer. 

Symptoms can include (I HAVE ALL OF THESE)

• Memory loss – forgetting things that you normally remember
• Difficulty thinking of the right word for a particular object
• Difficulty following the flow of a conversation
• Trouble concentrating or focusing on one thing
• Difficulty doing more than one thing at a time (multi tasking)
• More difficulty doing things you used to do easily, such as adding up in your head
• Fatigue (tiredness and lack of energy)
• Confusion
• Mental fogginess

The changes are often mild and very subtle. But if you have them they can reduce your quality of life. Doctors now know that people with different types of cancer may have these problems. 

Tips for coping with chemo brain (I AM USING ALL OF THESE)

• Try to keep your life as simple as possible
• Avoid trying to do too many things at the same time
• Think about writing list about what you need to do, things you need to buy and where you left things
• Writing people's names down with a brief description to help you remember them may be helpful
• Repeating things back to people, for example, the names of people you meet for the first time can help
• When arranging to meet someone or organising an event it may be helpful to write the details down and repeat them back to someone
• Try to talk to people somewhere quiet with few distractions
• Many people find it useful to keep a calendar on your wall
• It may be helpful to write yourself notes and stick them up where you can see them to remind you to do things
• Try to follow a healthy diet, and get some exercise and plenty of rest - try to avoid becoming over tired
• Keeping your mind active may help -for example, doing crosswords, sudoku and puzzles

Those that knew me before cancer know that I was able to focus on a task for long hours and complete it. I could be counted on to follow through. I was amazing (even though I didn't know it) at multi-tasking and seemed to thrive on on having many balls in the air at the same time. (figuratively not literally - I am terrible at juggling). I started my own business and at the same time oversaw the building of a new house that I had designed. I kept track of appointments, remembered birthdays (didn't always send the card though), I was always prepared and even sometimes a step ahead for every event. I worked my butt off in everything I did.

The new me is going to take some getting used to. My attention span is like a goldfish. It doesn't bother me until I realize that my attention span is so short. I can't finish a task- especially if I can't start it. Just one of the many things that suck with Chemo Brain.

I have too many things on my mind and they are too many for my brain to handle. I become paralyzed with my actions and end up not being able to get anything done and only getting more frustrated. I make a list in my notebook to get these things out of my head. I try and do one or two of these things on the list. Frustration again because there are 10 new things to do every day.

So, here I am now 5 hours later, stopping and starting to get this blog post finished. 

Frustration comes and goes. This week it has been high as many things are happening at once. It is kind of overwhelming. I try and get myself out of my funk. Break the pattern. I am again so blessed to have friends here in London that I only met a few months ago that care. The girls are great listeners and have excellent ideas how to cope with all the varying consequences of having chemo brain. THANKS GIRLS.

If chemo brain sucks, then me getting in better physical shape is at the other end of the scale. Working out 3 times a week in the gym and then walking at least 3 miles a day means that my hip joints are sore just sometimes and not all the time like they were before. Exercise is keeping me sane. Thank goodness for that or I would already have been checked into the loony bin.

Recovery and living life after cancer always comes down to the support and encouragement of friends and family to get through it. I am truly blessed and grateful.

FRIENDS. GRATEFUL. CHEMO BRAIN SUCKS. FAMILY. RAINY LONDON. 

MAKE A LIST. START AND FINISH IT.

LOVED. BE BRAVE. LOVE LIFE.

Fatigue is here......

2014.04.13

Waking up earlier than the alarm clock is the norm. Today it was pills, chat with friends, breakfast and then back into bed for an hour or two. I feel good but I am tired, my eyes are tired, and I get out of breath quicker than before. This is going to be frustrating but it will be something that I will have to get used to.

 It really isn't that strange that I am tired if I think about how many drugs are in my body fighting this cancer. They are working hard and of course they are taking my energy. KEEP FIGHTING.

I haven't lost my appetite so much, which is good and bad. Good that I can eat and fill up on my nutrients. Bad because I had hoped that I would lose my appetite and lose some weight at the same time without having to go on a diet. (That was supposed to be the upside to this ordeal.)

Spent the early part of the day either eating, resting on the couch, snoozing on the couch, annoying the kids with questions of homework, or eating. Not my usual ambition level but it will have to be my current ambition level.

Then we got invited over to the neighbors, Linda and Bosse for some coffee and cake. It was good to get out of the house and spend some time with them. Many laughs.................Thanks Linda and Bosse.

Dinner was a hodge podge of what we had in the refrigerator and freezer. I was too tired to make the food list to send Peter for the shopping before he left for London tonight. I will make a quick trip tonight to the supermarket with my oldest and be in and out in 20 minutes. Then we will have food for a few days.

Then my youngest and I took a walk with the dog. It was good to get out but the pace was slower than usual. FRUSTRATION. 

I realize that this feeling of fatigue is an adjustment but now I need to find a new routine to make it work for me. Good to learn how to be lazy. This will be a challenge but I never shy away from challenges.

TIRED. FATIGUE. FIGHTER. KICK CANCER'S ASS. LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS.