The new reality

2014.06.24
 It's been 5 days since I got the results from the doctor. It feels surreal. To go from one day battling cancer to the next day it's gone and then try and live in that new reality.

It was Swedish midsummer and then packing for our trip and then making the journey all the way to the USA wearing a surgical mask. Luckily my kids are seasoned travelers so it made things a lot easier. I slept for about 3 hours on the plane for the first leg of the trip. That usually never happens. I was tired and hadn't slept much the night before. I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but all the side effects and recovery time are still to be dealt with in the upcoming year.

During the year are check-ups to make sure the cancer hasn't come back.

I've read in many places and in many forums that after care of cancer survivors is not up to par. There is still support that is needed mentally if not physically to handle all the emotions and work through what has happened the last 4 months (in my case).

Life goes on and I need to start living it and slowly edge my way back into the new reality.

Side effects suck. I must learn to live with them and its hard to not everything the way it was before. I have changed and those closest to me have also changed.

Our first full day in the USA and we helped the country out with some retail therapy. Not too much but just enough to have some fun and feel normal.........except for all the looks from people in the mall. I really just want to blend in and not be noticed. I haven't gotten fitted for a wig and I am hoping that my hair will grow back pretty quickly.

In our moving process, we threw out a lot of books. My chemo brain forgets this and I bought two books yesterday. I have already finished the first book as of this morning when I was up at 4:15 am due to jet lag. It was a good book and the first book I've read in more than four months. I had a really good cry the last half of the book.

The book is called The Fault in our Stars by John Greene. It's about two young people who have
cancer but fall in love and experience something fantastic. It was a good time for some self-
reflection.

LIFE IS ABOUT LIVING. How many times do we say it? How many times do we do it every day? What is important to do today? What can wait until tomorrow?

What I enjoyed about yesterday:
Chatting with the Starbucks Barista at Target
Eating at a food court with my 3 boys and them so totally enjoying their Chick-fil-a
Getting home to my brothers house and him opening a bottle of wine....on a Monday
All of us laughing about silly things

My blogging will continue until I am cancer free for 1 year. With my chemo brain, if I don't write it down, I forget it.

For me, this seems like a hard battle because it can be too easy to revert to doing the day to day things and just going through the motions and not really LOVING LIFE.

Peter - guest blogger

2014.06.20

FRIDAY - Midsummer Celebrations in Sweden

Remission, what a difficult word but yet so beautiful.  I had personally never heard the word and when I looked up the definition it says “disappearance of signs and symptoms of cancer.” It is of course an absolute relief to Teresa and everyone around her. My beautiful and strong wife has fought so hard and so well during these very difficult times.

She is a very strong person with a very strong will and determination. She never gives up and fights for what she believes in at almost all costs.  I am convinced that the cancer was fought off by her strong body and will power, and of course from the wonder medicine R-CHOP. I am humbled by the professional help Teresa has received from Karolinska Sjukhuset and the doctors and nurses there. The hospital is a university hospital that has close academic ties to the major hospitals and scientists around the world. Teresa’s doctors are both professors and very knowledgeable about the cancer and how to beat it the right way for Teresa.

I remember one of the first meetings where the doctor explained Teresa’s cancer using the analogy of a dog.  There are many dogs, some or dangerous and some our nice. We are trying to determine what type of dog it is. I am not sure I know what dog it was, but one thing is for sure, the dog is no more and will never come back.

Teresa is Terrific, Extraordinary, Remarkable, Epic, Super and Astonishing. She is so much more than all those adjectives but I ran out of letters in her name to describe her. She handled her cancer as a project just like the many she has run and with great success. This cancer had no chance.  The project hit a few bumps here and there but there were always friends and family by her side to make sure she stayed on track and had a good and positive outlook of the outcome.

I can’t thank all of you friends that have stood by Teresa’s side through phone calls, hospital visits, walks, e-mails, Facebook messages, blog comments, text messages and conversations to express your support and encouragement to her, me and our beautiful boys. You have played a significant part of these 120 very long, painful and stressful days of Teresa’s and our lives. It has made them meaningful in some strange way that is hard to express.  You have made an impact on our lives that we will cherish and treasure for the rest of our lives.

I don’t think I am the same person anymore and I know that Teresa is not. We have gotten a second chance and I am so deeply in love with my beautiful wife and could not be happier to be with her for the rest of my life. I have spent a lot of time trying to create a home for us in London that has taken a lot pressure off of me. Teresa didn’t do that for herself but for me. She knows me so well; actually, no one can read me so well as Teresa. 

She knew that I would re-energize myself while being away for a few days a week trying to create a new platform for myself at PwC London. I know that it created a lot of stress for her and took energy from her but I am thankful that she gave me that opportunity.

Teresa, you need a relaxing time where you can rest and not worry about things. The USA trip to meet with family is going to give you a lot of energy and love that you need so much. You will continue to rebuild your body and strength over the next year and I will be there supporting you every step of the way.

Love you always. Peter

KICKED CANCER'S ASS

2014.06.19

THURSDAY

It has been exactly 4 months since I sat in the doctors office at City Akuten with Mia and got the news that I had non-hodgkins lymphoma. Mia cried and I was in shock. This is not happening to me. So began this journey and today it would be the beginning or the end of something after the doctors appointment to find the results of the most recent tests from Monday.

I have undergone 6 cycles of RCHOP given every other week. I had a few preliminary tests and procedures done before chemo that hurt like hell but were necessary to determine the extent of the cancer. I had a toenail removed due to an infection. I have had some side effects to these powerful drugs to kill the cancer - which have taken a toll on my body and won't be better until a year has gone.

Today is the day. I woke up early after having trouble to fall asleep last night. Not nervous but anxious in a subdued way. Hoping for the best but forcing myself to consider the worst. Peter was very anxious too. It is hard to be the spouse to a cancer patient, probably a very helpless feeling.
I fell back asleep and then woke up around 9 am. I asked Peter to make me some American pancakes. He did. Thanks Peter. The tension in the air was thick. We are all thinking about it, but not really talking about it.

The messages of good luck and well wishes were making my telephone sing. (my heart too.)

Finally got around to showering and getting ready. I briefly considered not even going to the appointment, think if I could just live in ignorance of the results. NOPE, that's not how us humans work. We need closure and we need to know.

The time to go was approaching and my anxiety level was building. Deep Breathes.......

I packed my backpack with my journals and list of questions to the doctor. I put the bottle of champagne for the doctor in the bag and zipped it up.

We said bye to the kids and headed towards the hospital. I could tell that Peter was anxious because he talked about everything but what we were on our way to do. We were both thinking about it in our own ways. Of course, there was a bit of traffic but we made it with plenty of time to spare.  I had HAPPY on repeat and we listened to it way too many times according to Peter.

We checked in and then went to sit up in the waiting room. Peter said he didn't know if he would be able to (or want to) read the doctors demeanor in advance to see if it was good news or bad news. We came into the office and sat down. My head is cloudy, foggy, not 100% receptive to all that he is saying.

He takes out the report from the pet/ct scan and starts explaining "the lymph nodes have decreased from the last time from a size of 29 x 12 mm to the size of 22 x 6 mm"  I am thinking "it is not all gone" panic. OK, so it has gotten smaller but its not gone?  that's right says the doctor. Then he goes on and reads the next line "it does not show any increased FDG uptake."

INFORMATION about this radioactive substance that they used to determine how much cancer is active:   FDG = fludeoxyglucose. 
F-FDG is taken up by cells, phosphorylated by hexokinase (whose mitochondrial form is greatly elevated in rapidly growing malignant tumours), and retained by tissues with high metabolic activity, such as most types of malignant tumours. As a result FDG-PET can be used for diagnosis, staging, and monitoring treatment of cancers, particularly in Hodgkin's disease,non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, colorectal cancer, breast cancer, melanoma, and lung cancer.

So the FDG uptake means that the areas of high cancer activity show up on the imaging. In my case, nothing showed up even though the tumor is still there. It is now just dead cells.  Karolinska Hospital has a lymphoma protocol on how they treat the disease. Because my tumor is less than 2,5 cm then there is no need to give radiation or any further treatment. 

Once we understood that it was gone and no cancer activity, my husband was overwhelmed with emotion and relief and jumps out of his chair and gives the doctor a big hug (at least 30 seconds long) then he comes over to me and gives me a hug. I can feel his relief in his hug and start to cry too. We are still in shock but happy. Now it is time for me to ask my 20 questions about all the side effects, limitations, next steps and let him take a last look at my toe.  

My family in the USA is so anxious to know results that during the appointment my phone is ringing with a FaceTime call from my niece. I answer and tell her I will call back soon and the news is good news. The rest of the calls - I just let the phone ring on vibrate.

Side effects will take about a year to go away. Not too much to do about them- just accept. I can now go swimming and get my toe wet. (my toe hasn't been wet since May 5th), our trip to the USA is a go, next appointment is in September. Risk for infection still high for next three months, need to be aware of that. Still numb, calm and quite it was time for us to go. 

Dr. Claes Karlsson and I

Before we can leave his office, Peter gets out the bottle of champagne and says "Thank you" Then it is time for a picture so I can have a memory of this great day.

We leave his office and walk down the corridor, right past Olga's office (a.k.a the bone marrow biopsy hard handed doctor) and I don't care. All of it was worth it.

It feels like we are walking on a cloud. We head to the pharmacy to get my last medicines. I have started to text all the people that needed and wanted to know right away. My phone is buzzing with encouragement.

We treated ourselves to lunch at Stallmastergården. YUM YUM. Some Swedish specialties. I updated Facebook with the news and it was fantastic to share it with everyone that has been so supportive these past four months. I can't say thank you enough to all of the people that have cared and supported me throughout this fight against the cancer.  

Kalix lojrom........my favorite

We took the long way home through Vaxholm and the car ferries after stopping in Täby. 

The sun started to shine the closer we got to home.

Cows in the fields just enjoying themselves.

Upon arrival we are greeted by the kids. Eric has made a really neat drawing of the cancer cells being killed and all gone. Everyone let out a collective sigh of relief. Then everything was back to normal for them.

Opening the champagne.......

After a little while it was time to give the kids some food. Then it was time to pop the bottle of champagne and enjoy it with some strawberries. (Ok, I need to admit that this will be my dinner tonight.) I am now on my fourth glass of champagne, feeling quite tipsy but content.

Peter is excited because he gets the honor of guest blogging tomorrow while I am packing for our trip. 

Now my goal is not to lose focus of what is most important in life and to live life to the fullest, starting right now.

GRATEFUL. 

LOVED. 

KICKED CANCER'S ASS. 

FAMILY. 

FRIENDS.

Lyckligt ovetande (ignorance is bliss)

2014.06.18

WEDNESDAY

It might seem crazy what I'm 'bout to say

Sunshine she's here, you can take a break

I'm a hot air balloon that could go to space

With the air, like I don't care, baby, by the way

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you know what happiness is to you

Annotate (Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

Here come bad news, talking this and that (Yeah!)

Well, give me all you got, don't hold it back (Yeah!)

Well, I should probably warn ya, I'll be just fine (Yeah!)

No offense to you, don’t waste your time, here's why...

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you know what happiness is to you

Annotate (Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

Bring me down

Can't nothing bring me down

My level's too high to bring me down

Can't nothing bring me down, I said...

Bring me down

Can't nothing bring me down

My level's too high to bring me down

Can't nothing bring me down, I said...

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

(Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you know what happiness is to you

Annotate (Because I'm happy)

Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

My last 24 hours and the ignorance is bliss. The results are already determined but I don’t know them yet. Whatever happens tomorrow I will be OK. Right? YES.

It will be a defining moment when I get the news. Either reserved happiness with an enormous sense of relief or a crappy feeling with disbelief which will eventually turn into a new resolve. (although it could take a week or two)

Today Eric and I went back to the hospital for an appointment with the diabetes doctor Eva. She borrows his blood sugar meter and hooks it up to the computer to look at his results from the last two weeks.  She then makes some adjustments to his carb. calculations so that in effect he will be taking less insulin. She is a great doctor and has an excellent way of explaining things in an easy way.

Eric was hungry when we left the hospital so it was a forced stop at McDonalds. Getting tired of that place. Eric likes it though. So I must make sacrifices…

Heading into town, it was a perfect opportunity to stop in at SOUL, my favorite hair dressers and say hi. I missed them and it will be a while until I need a haircut again. I will have to fly back to Stockholm for that. HUGS.

Our next stop was my school to see what LEGO I had left there and which stuff I am leaving there for next year. It was great to see my colleagues and chat a bit with them.  HUGS.

We made our way home with the music blaring in the car. Eric talked during all of my favorite songs and asked me to be quiet during his songs….hmmmmmmm

Beatles “Let it Be” played and many other good songs, made the trip go quicker. It is interesting how fast upbeat music makes the car go faster……hmmmmmmmm

So, my hematology doctor knows the results but I don’t. I figure that whatever it is it will be OK. Of course bad news would suck but I will have to figure it out.

Tomorrow is the day. The results will be known by me. I am prepared for the good news. One bottle of champagne for the doctor and one for us tomorrow night. I told the doctor he would only get the bottle if it is good news.  J

Kids are on the trampoline and I guess I need to make some sort of dinner. It is good to keep busy as it makes the time go by faster.

ANXIOUS but CALM. HAPPY but SUBDUED. LOVED and GRATEFUL. FRIENDS and FAMILY. FINISH LINE. KICKING CANCER’S ASS.

Tuesday means two days left....

2014.06.17
TUESDAY

Started the day when my alarm went off at midnight. Time to get up and watch the USA-GHANA game. It was just me and Kevin awake until halftime. Then it was just me. A very exciting game because I know the American spirit is to never give up. That's why I knew Team USA would win.

Once the game was over it was time for some sleep. Woke up without the alarm anyway at 6:30. Yuck. Too early, so out with the dog and then back to bed until 9 am. Kevin has one of his friends for a two day visit so by 11 am they wanted something to eat. Made some bacon and eggs and then went back to bed.

It was just one of those days with no scheduled appointments anywhere but still lots to be done. I had no energy to do any of these things. Time for another nap until 2:30 then I tried to move my self toward taking a shower but luckily I got sidetracked a few times when Nicole called me, then my sister Kris called me and then Nikki chatted with me. I eventually got clean and then Kevin and his friend followed me to the store for some food shopping so they could bake some cookies.

I made pancakes for dinner and the boys made their Reese's peanut butter chip cookies. The house smelled great. Then the boys were outside on the trampoline and I just wasted time- cleaning up. Messages popped up from Mia, Peter and Petra and they warm my heart. THANKS.

Now it is time for sleep. I didn't get any of the things I really needed to get done at all finished today. But who gives a toot. Those things will still be there tomorrow.

So, less than 48 hours left. I only think about it sometimes and then I don't dwell on it. Whatever happens happens. Now I just want to know what the verdict is.

Tomorrow is one day closer. I so want to be done with this. Ready for the next step.

LOVED. ONE DAY CLOSER. FRIENDS. FAMILY.

I am glowing with radioactive materials......

2014.06.16

MONDAY

Woke up first at 5:30 am. Took the dog out for a quick pee and then back to bed until 6:30 am. The sky was cloudy but the sun shone through. Up, chatted with Nikki and Carla , medicine, shower and dressed by 7 am. I needed to be done eating by 7:30 am as I needed to be fasting before my appointment.

Got Eric ready to spend the day with Farfar and Evy so they could keep and eye on him and his diabetes. I left at 9 am and it took me nearly an hour to get to the hospital thanks to all the construction traffic on the highway. It was ok. I played some music and contemplated many things in life.Why do we subject ourselves to this type of torture to the body? Is it because of our will to live. We are only here on earth a finite number of years. Why does it usually take something like life or death to make us appreciate what we have and live each day to the fullest?  I sang along to all the good songs and didn't care what the other drivers thought.

I got a great parking spot at the hospital and walked in to the main entrance to go to the lab to leave my blood to them. There were about 25 people ahead of me. All of them are sick. I have a immune system that is susceptible to infection. I do not want to be around sick people. Slight panic. At the other lab I usually go to they told me "you have cancer, come right to the front of the line". The next nurse that came out, I asked her if I could be taken sooner because of my risk for infection. She says sit here. (here being where all the sick people pass by) after about 10 minutes I start to panic a little more and ask the supervisor. Finally something happens and they take me next.  It is already stressful enough to have cancer. Why can't somethings be easy??????

Gave her my blood. Then I went up to the Nuclear Medicine department. I was about an hour early for the PET/CT scan. They took me a little earlier. There wasn't much time for anxiety because Nikki was keeping me company by chatting with me. First I got called in to take a pill and then to get a line put in. Then it was wait an hour. Then it was follow me to this room and he rolls over a machine with the radioactive material in it. He hooks me up and presses a button. About 30 seconds later it is done. Now it was wait an hour again. Finally it was my turn.

Finally the formula in use......

Poster in the hallway showing what was going to happen.....

Radioactive material hidden inside this machine

I walked in, got to lay down with my hands above my head and not move for 30 minutes. My eyes were closed the whole time and I just thought happy thoughts about the future.  Before I knew it, it was over.

Then it was a drive home in some more traffic.

This whole experience started in a surreal way on February 20th when the doctor said that I had cancer and will probably end in a surreal way this Thursday, June 19th. Maybe the cancer is already gone from my body. The only thing left are all the bloody side effects of those nasty but effective cancer killing drugs. On Thursday I will know one way or the other what the future holds.

One thing I do know is that the friends I have are awesome. Some are super awesome. I value each and every friend that has been there for me the past 4 months. I couldn't have done this without their support. All my friends that are praying for me - awesome! Thank you for taking the time to think about me in prayer. When I say friends, I include the family members that are also friends.

So, there is less than three days left to find out............

Anxious. LOVED. Nervous. GRATEFUL. Scared. FRIENDS. AWESOME. KICKING ASS........

Last weekend of not knowing.....

2014.06.13
FRIDAY

Got the kids up and we left the house in time to sit in some traffic on the way to the Campus Manilla's last day of school. I brought all three of my children because right after we had to take them to the dentist. Logistics.........

Being at the school again, I was able to visit each of the classrooms and share with the students how talented and focused they were during their LEGO lessons through the year. I also got to tell the parents about their children and their fantastic creativity. It gave me so much mental energy to be there with them for those few hours. I am going to miss those kids.

We left the campus around 11:30 and had a fun time (not) in traffic trying to get from Djurgården to Gamla Stan on a Friday in the middle of the day. We made it in time and even had time for a quick lunch. It was good to have all the kids appointment at the dentist at the same time. I need to schedule mine as soon as I am allowed by the doctor.

Peter joined us at the dentist and then we split up so they could do food shopping and we could go home and relax.

I fell asleep early. Feeling tired physically but full of energy mentally.

2014.06.14
SATURDAY

I woke up at 4 am because the wind was blowing the trees around. A little scary to see them swaying so much. I tried to fall asleep again and awoke at a more normal hour at 7 am.
We got some stuff done in the morning but it is always a challenge to get everyone out of the house for any events.

Today's event was Kevin's last American football game. We arrived in time to drop him off for warm-ups and then head to our old neighborhood to pick up our mail at Gunilla's house and we even had time for a cup of coffee. Feels good that we have moved on even though we are in a sort of holding pattern right now. I am anxious to start this new life but there are still some things to finish off here.

Kevin played fantastic for his last game. The opponents were large guys but Kevin found many different ways to tackle them. He was on fire. I was emotional before the game as I thought about how much I will miss standing on the sidelines cheering him on, being nervous during the game even if they were leading and then the joy of each win that they have had this season. It is really a great group of guys and their parents are fantastic too. THEY WON THE GAME. After the game, Kevin got a gatorade type of shower (luckily it was only water) and they thanked him for his great efforts during the past few years.

It is good to have other things to do so that my mind doesn't have time to dwell on the next week.

I slept well.

2014.06.15
SUNDAY

Awoke too early this morning, went back to sleep. Got up and didn't feel too good. Too many things to be done and no energy to do them. Today was just catching up on all the bill paying and moving stuff paperwork in between my long naps. So basically I just slept, ate a little bit and sat at computer getting caught up on reality.

I am always thankful for my friends that are able to know when I am down or tired and give me such encouraging words.

Peter is on his way back to London.

I will get through this week of tests and results. Tomorrow is the big test to see if the cancer is still there. The results won't be known by me until Thursday. So it is a week of limbo and uncertainty.

Feeling tired again. Gotta go to sleep.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. HOMESTRETCH OF KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FAMILY. FRIENDS.

Last week of school.

2014.06.10

TUESDAY

We woke up at Mia's house and everyone got up and out in time. This was supposed to be my day to sleep and do my bookkeeping. I did do some of my bookkeeping to try and finish up 2013. Only one piece of information missing and that is at the summer house.  Well, lucky for me Sara had texted me and we decided to eat lunch together. It was great to see her and talk with her. THANKS SARA.

After lunch and dessert it was time to pick Eric up from school. Then we headed back to Mia's and it was time for a nap before the rest of the gang came home.

It is really a fantastic feeling to stay at their house and everything is so calm for my spirit. All the kids have fun with each other and there aren't any moving boxes for me to sort through. Sitting on the porch and enjoying a cup of tea with Mia is so relaxing and good for my energy levels and my daily laugh quota. LOVED.

Sleep is inevitable and I rest my weary bones on our last night at Mia's. THANKS TO MIA AND ÅKE for fantastic hospitality. I really appreciate it.

2014.06.11

WEDNESDAY

Today is Eric's last day of school. It was also time to pack up the car to head out to the summer house in the afternoon. So, it is drop him off at school, grab a coffee, back to school for classroom goodbyes then off to the storage unit to meet the movers.

These movers are going to help move some of the LEGO and the big LEGO table to the school I teach at so that they can continue with LEGO Education next year. They loaded up the stuff and we headed out to Djurgården. They carried the stuff in and put it in storage. I snubbed my other big toe on a metal grate and it started to bleed a bit. I washed it off .They left and I said hi to a lot of the kids that were out on the playground. Or rather they saw me and came over to see me. It was great.


It was time for Eric to eat and we headed out of the city to the summer house and stopped at our go to place when you need something quick.

Finally home and it felt good (as long as I ignored the pile of boxes in the hallway). The older boys took the bus home and I picked them up from the bus station.

Peter had an appointment to look at a house to rent that I had really liked from the pictures. He called me from the place and really liked it. We left an offer directly. Now we needed to wait until tomorrow for an answer.

Dinner was quick and then the kids just hung out watching TV. Good for them.....until the two youngest watched a movie that made them a little scared and they ended up in the bed with me. So much for alone time. Lucky it is a big bed.

Finally, all were in bed and I could also sleep.

2014.06.12

THURSDAY

My two oldest boys last day of school that they have attended for 6 and 4 years each. I drove them to the bus station today so they could take the bus to Slussen and then train to their school.

Eric and I drove in around 9:30 so we could get to the church for the final assembly of all the students. This was the 6th time that I have sat in the church and listened to all the songs and speeches.
During the middle of the assembly, I feel my phone ring and go out to answer it once I see it is Peter calling from London. The estate agent for the rental house was in negotiation mood. So we counter- offered and I was hopeful.

The end of the assembly had the different choirs singing Happy by Pharell and the place was rocking. It was a little emotional but at the same time, everything has its time and place and we are moving on. That is exciting.

Outside the church, which is next to the school, it was time for the boys to hug their friends goodbye. Thank god for technology because they know they will still keep in touch with their friends, some of whom have already said they will be visiting in London.

We met up a bunch of the families from school at Vapianos in town and enjoyed eating lunch with friends.

Then we had to practically run back to the parking garage to get the car before the time ran out. We made it just in time. Traffic was not fun and we drove to our next place and parked in a new parking garage. My mission was to go to the Birkenstock store to get a pair so that my feet are comfortable and more protected than they have been..........mission successful and now I have shoes to wear that won't hurt my toes and can minimize injuries. I wore them out of the store.

The drive home wasn't too bad once we left the city limits. The logistics of driving today would have been better if I didn't have chemo brain. We got home to the summer house at 4:30 and had to leave at 5:15 to drive all the way to Täby for Kevins practice from 7 to 9. We chose to drive through Rindö and Vaxholm with the car ferries because the other way would be way too much rush hour traffic.

During our drive, Peter called and said the estate agent wanted him to call. I gave Peter my thinking and strategy for getting this house to be ours. He made the call and then called me back. GOOD NEWS. We have somewhere to live in London. Yahoo, yippie, its about time! Great location, great size of the house, room for all the visitors that we are expecting......

It's the red one on the left.

Some good news today and hopefully more good news next week when the test and results are reported.

 I dropped Kevin off at practice and the slight feeling of euphoria set in. Music loud, chatting with Nikki then driving to pick up Sophie. I think I drove too fast when there was a good song on the radio....ooops.

Picked up Sophie at Ellinor's house. It has been a fantastic help to have Sophie at their house when we haven't been able to be home with her. THANKS ELLINOR.

Made it home around 10 pm tonight and now I am tired. One more big day tomorrow and then I can relax a little bit......... just passing the time until the tests on Monday and then the three day wait to find out the results............. hope this wave of good things happening continues into next week.......

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FINALLY A HOUSE. KICKING CANCER'S ASS. FAMILY. AWESOME FRIENDS. 

Sunny weather is always good.

2014.06.08

SUNDAY

This is post #100 and it is 111 days since I have been diagnosed. 

Woke up early but in no hurry to get the day going even though there was tons to do. All done with the shots, it was just two pills to swallow before breakfast.

Getting out of bed, my body is like what I imagine it would be like for an old person: stiff joints, minimal feeling in my hands and feet, blurry vision. This is the new reality for me even though I am not old. (or don't want to act my age anyway) It sucks but I live with it because the other choice is not acceptable. I think I will get used to it but I really wish I didn't have to.

Kids up and fed, the sun is shining brightly as we pack the clothes for the next few days that we will spend at Mia's house. It is time for lunch and planning of the logistics for the day.

Shortly after lunch we load up the car: 5 people, 1 dog, 2 suitcases, 1 sports training bag, some Lego, and 3 school backpacks.

Our first stop is Sjökrickan, the home of the Täby Flyers American Football Team. Kevin has a game against Stockholm Mean Machines. It is a bright and sunny day, except for the half hour of rain during warm-ups. Peter had to make a detour to buy a new leash for Sophie as he forget hers at the summer house.

Sitting on the sidelines, cheering the team on is an adrenaline rush. Kevin was playing the position of Safety today and made an awesome interception and ran it for about 15 or 20 yards before being tackled on the 10 yard line. He was pumped up today. The Flyers won 46-6. GO FLYERS.

Next stop after the game was to drop Sophie off at Ellinor's house. Sophie really likes being there. Thanks Ellinor.

Then it was off to the airport to drop of Peter so he could work a little next week. Now it is just me and the kids. So, we made a stop at Mcd's and then the food store before we arrived to Mia's house.

We invaded with our luggage and were greeted warmly by the whole family. It was a beautiful evening and we sat on the back deck, drinking tea and just chatting. No moving boxes in sight.

Sleep didn't happen until almost 11 pm.


2014.06.09

MONDAY

Slow to rise but quick to get ready this morning. Got all the kids where they needed to be this morning even with some packed lunches for their class excursions.

It has been almost two weeks since chemo #6, when I look in the mirror I am hoping that everything is now gone. Next week I will know.

I needed to go to the local nurse to get my toe bandage switched. It was quite a hassle to get someone to fix it for me and then a bit of a bummer because it is not 100% healed which means not getting it wet and still taking the antibiotics.

Eric's class was going to the Butterfly house at Haga Park today and I promised to meet them there. It was a hot day and we had fun seeing all the cool butterflies, the sharks and the piranhas. Strange I know to call it the butterfly house and then have sharks and piranhas but heck, it's Sweden. It was fun to spend time with his class.

I  took Eric home in the car directly from the park. I had time to sleep and he had time to relax before we headed off to Bella's high school graduation party. It was great to be invited to the celebration of such a great achievement. Fantastic.

Got back to Mia's home around 8 pm and it was time to relax before getting the kids into bed.

The side effects are cramping my style and forcing me to adjust what and how I do some things. Frustrating but bearable.

What keeps me going?????? Of course my husband and kids make me want to keep up the fight. My friends and their encouraging words and actions make sure that I stay focused. Now I just need to focus on the next steps and take one day at a time.

Feels like I am standing still but time is hurrying forward but not fast enough to the day of the results. CRAZY.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. FRIENDS. FAMILY. KICKING CANCER'S ASS.

SIDE EFFECTS SUCK

2014.06.06

FRIDAY

Happy Swedish National Day.

Awoke at the summer house. It is always early here because the sun shines right into our bedroom. I was still tired and tried to fall back sleep- but no luck.

It’s funny here in Sweden how the National day is not as big a deal as the 4^th of July in the USA. This day for us was just like any other day except the kids were off from school.

Peter had to work anyway as the UK doesn’t have off for Sweden’s national holiday…..

I took it easy in the morning. I unpacked a few easy boxes and then we ate lunch. After lunch, Kevin and I headed into the local shopping area to just browse a little bit and do some light food shopping. It was late afternoon and I was tired after just a little while of shopping. We found a cool painting to hang on Kevin’s bedroom wall.

Back home again, I tried to lay down and rest. It doesn’t work that good when most parts of the body ache or hurt in some way and my mental status is foggy with the chemo brain and the wait for new tests and the results.

I ate half my dinner and then didn’t feel good. It was a crappy night with all the side effects. But, I have been lucky because this is the first time during all the treatment that I felt this bad.

Sleep finally came but it was a very restless sleep all night.

It is days like this that make it hard to be happy. Why is everything happening to me? Shit, I am so tired of this shit. There are so many things that are affected; I try not to complain because who likes to hear about other people’s shit? Not me.

I am lucky to have friends and family that care and support me, without them I would be a wreck.

2014.06.07

SATURDAY

It was 7 am before my eyes opened and I reached for my iphone to see what I missed during the night. Hahahaha. Didn’t miss much.

Got up and started the day feeling a bit better than yesterday, but still not so much energy. Peter was ambitiously organizing under the house with all the stuff we brought here from the other house. 

The kids are loving that the trampoline is now up and useable. It gives them something to do out here besides look at a computer screen.

Just after lunch we headed back to north Stockholm to our storage unit. I needed to see how it looked and organize it a bit. When we were done then we called Stina and hung out a bit on the soccer fields and just took it easy in the sun. It feels weird to not live there anymore…..on to bigger and better things…….

Home again and now I am more tired but I need to make some cookies for Kevin’s American football game tomorrow.

A pretty good day even though I didn’t get near anything on my list completed, but that is just the new reality here. I don’t have enough strength to even stress over it.

LOVED. GRATEFUL. HAPPY. WAITING. KICKING ASS………bye bye cancer……I HOPE.

Making up for lost time....

2014.06.04

WEDNESDAY

Waking up at Mia's house is great. When you only have enough clothes for the visit it makes choosing them so much easier. There are no moving boxes to go through and only happy people live here. It feels good.

A restless night with periods of hot and cold sweats. I am still tired when I wake up and mentally plan my day around how many hours I can sleep. Tonight is a dinner with work colleagues so I need to save up my strength.

Kids to school, me home to nap for 4 hours, eat, sleep for 2 hours, pick up kids from school, make some quick snacks then it is time to drive into town.

Dinner was at Djurgårdsbrunn and it was really good food and great company.  I drove some of them into town and home and it was a fun time. I got home around 9:30 pm and I was tired. I drive the car on auto pilot. Åke was a dream and took care and fed all the kids because Mia and I were both out. THANKS ÅKE.

Sleep was restless and I awoke several times during the night.

2014.06.05

THURSDAY

Today we were even later out the door than yesterday. But we still made it to all the right places in time. The older boys made it to school and Eric and I had a 9 am doctor's appointment at the hospital with the diabetes nurse. Traffic wasn't too bad today on E4.

The visit with the nurse went well even though I am still exhausted and can barely stand.  After the visit was over I dropped Eric off at school and came back to sleep. YEP, slept for a few more hours before I had to wake up and go get Eric from school.

We did some quick food shopping and then came home to Mia's house. Tonight I am going to make some dinner before Kevin has to go to practice. Then I will pack up the car, go and get the dog from Ellinor's house and then drive out to the summer house.

Peter will arrive to the summer house from London around 1 am. I am looking forward to a 3 day weekend. I plan on sleeping as much as possible.

I just need to get through each day and let the medicine do its work. Less than two weeks left until new tests and the final results are in. Not thinking about it too much as I have been sleeping these past few days. I am sure the anxiety level will be up as it gets closer to the actual date.

Next week is the kids last week at school in Sweden. I hope they take the time to enjoy it.